MIA

 Yall are right,  pathetic..  Yer right Pathetic.   40 years old.  Sleepin on a couch,  trying my hardest.  Failing again,

Congratulations you were right.


 Gonna be MIA a while.  Getting some things taken care of.  


Merry Fucking Xmas.

)O(

Lilith

Nevermind,

  I never once turned you away,
but never mind.
  I always had your back,
but never mind.
  I kept my word and wouldn't let you hide
but never mind.
  I always wished only the best for you
but never mind.

  I love our friendship
but never mind.
  I love watching you grow and change
but never mind.
  I adore your talents,
but never mind.
  I always defended your stand.
but never mind

  I miss you and the things we shared
but never mind
  I still wish you well in all things
but never mind
  I never thought you would underestimate me.
but never mind.
  I never thought you would treat me as a enemy
but never mind.

  I feel as if I lost a sibling.
but never mind.
  I feel as if I've lost a year
but never mind
  I feel as if I lost you.
but never mind.
  I feel I have found myself...
But never you mind.

)O(
Lilith

Options

  Ahh a day off..  Feels good today to do the menial things.  Laundry Packing and organizing.  Ready for my next move.  More than likely first week in January.  Been throwing out the old.  Down to my 2 suitcases soon.  And My Computer,  tho the way things are going.  That's gonna fit in a suit case too.  
 
  Options,  we all like to have them,  most of the time.   Some can be both delightful, and a burden.  others seem cut and dry to one person.   Some see the decision as obvious.  But then they do not see the whole picture.  Just the landscape from their view.

  I find myself in a situation I thought I had remedied with this new job.  Health Insurance,  too expensive through work to afford it, rent utilities and other necessity.  Obama care?  Hmm,  not in the mood to go there completely.  But I am lookin' into it.

I cannot loose anymore of myself,  mental, emotional, or physical.

  Weighing my options, of which I have mainly 3.   I have put them all on actual paper.  One sheet each.  Pros on front Cons on back.  Still a work in progress,  but then,  I have a little time to make the decision.   They might even end up as not exactly "Options"  but plans.  Clear cut paths on the map I can tread.  Let's see how the weather is as we go.  I can cut a path, blaze a new trail in places if need be.   But I really must stick with the plan initially in my mind.  Simply make it,   singularly.

  I really dunno if I will,  and this brings me to a little bit of a reality share.   I am tired of the mentality that everyone will.   As if no one knows anyone who didn't "Make It".  We don't talk about them, painful reminders of the reality of life.  It's kind of sad really.  Humans do pick and choose which of these people or happenings have importance.   In One hand 9-11 is something we have to commemorate,  so important,  such a lesson to learn for us.  A lesson life teaches us about society on a regular basis.    But <Insert random persons name that you know and maybe take some blame for their not making it here> Who taught us a lesson in life and its darker side.  How maybe we can put light out more yourself,  Not so much someone to commemorate.

  General consensus be damned.

  Dun even know if that makes sense in words,  but in my head it does!  There's another possibility. All in my head?  Always a possibility.  Well,  not all but parts, all of us do that.  Some more than others.  

 Feels like the Swamp of Sadness in Never Ending Story.

ARTAX!!!  NOOOOO!!!

 Don't let the mood of the swamp get to you. You will sink in and die.  Daily mental determination,  discipline,  and focus.  *snorts*  yeah.   Why does that seem like a little bit of a downer in itself.

 I need to make this decision in my own way,  carefully, slowly, and with a lot of thought on it.  It wont happen in a week.  Will happen when it happens.  Gotta break this line before it comes full circle.   The only way that will happen is to make sure I make my decisions in a different way than before.  That will take a lot of examination.  Which I do, am doing, and will continue doing in my way.   I wont hurt myself or anyone else in this.  I will proceed with caution.  Not just for me,  but anyone I might tread on in the process.  You always do,  it's just a matter of who gets it,  and how quickly you can realize yer doing it and stop!

 Due north?
 Local?
 Towel Toss?
 East?

Options,  sometimes they are a burden,  other times a blessing.

Stay Focused My Friends.
)O(
Lilith



 



 

No one can follow

Where I go,  I go alone
no one can follow
what I learn I learn on my own
it's something no one else can swallow.

I don't know how else to say that,
I've given up on those who I said I never would
I've moved on from what I said I would stick with.


That's kinda how life is hey?  Tonight was an odd night I felt my walls still up but it let me experience people and things on a safe level.  It also reiterated to me a simple truth.

I am not made for this world.


there is no trust in me anymore.   I don't want any.  I don't want anyone,  anything.   I just don't Want anymore.

It's odd,  I went to this event and everything was meh.   It was entertaining in part.   But on a whole,  I found myself for a moment longing for people I could not reach for.  And it froze  me more.   At one point I took a whipping.  A good one,   other than the sting of the leather for the brief moment i felt it.  That was all I felt.   No arousal,  no emotion,  nothing.  Sealed in me the knowledge I really am done.

  I loved what I could not hold
I cared for what could not care for me
I have done this for so long

I am empty,  and I have no idea if I can recharge.

I also found.  I could care less how things turn out anymore.

I just don't care.  Even the physical pain of the flogger,  it didn't touch more than my skin.

I had hoped it would help me at least cry.

I guess it's just as well.  I have no use for my emotions right now.  they have done nothing more than cause damage.  I don't need em anymore

I am good,  without them,  without the complication.   I also feel as if I deserved it a bit.  After all,

I am the cunt who let him go free right?

No one can follow,
I go alone
It's just as well,

Stay real my friends

)O(
Lilith

Hunger? Frozen? Still in Motion.

  I have experienced an odd feeling lately.   It feels like hunger.   Pit of my stomach empty and sticking to itself.   But even when I eat the feeling does not go away.   Mind you it's not an emptiness. All I can describe it as,  is like my receptors are no longer working.  Those little things that tell you you are full or receiving any kind of nourishment.  It's not purely physical either.  It's emotional and mental as well.  Kind of like when yer gas tank reads empty even tho you just filled it up.

  No matter the input,  kind words, good food, warm hugs, or even negative feed back.  It is as if i do not feel it.  It bounces off and falls to the ground like it never happened.   The ironic thing is,  I am not even trying to receive anything.  I seriously am just not open to any of it anymore.   Good,  bad it don't matter.

  Tonight I am supposed to be going to a event I have been looking forward to for a month now,  and I really am forcing myself to do so.   I have got to find a way to De-Ice.   Because this is one place I cannot go to with the walls so firmly up

But they are up,  and they are solid

  So,  how do I do it?   Fake it till ya make it?  I HATE THAT.   I am afraid to put off bad signals tonight.  I'm afraid to put anything out tonight.  I almost want to skip the whole thing.  But I will go,  force myself to interact.    I just hope I don't piss anyone off.  Cynical,  untrusting,  and unapproachable.

Hopefully that changes once I get all dressed up.

  In addition,  I was told something last night,  something I already knew.   someone felt a connection to me,  one I felt with them as well.  They used words,  i cannot seem to absorb or use as of late.   Someone said the words "I Love You".   They said it more than once,  each time it felt like a dull tap on my wall.  I feel bad,  that I cannot feel,  and that those words tho beautiful,  just do not process for me anymore.  I dunno if they ever will.  He is an old friend and someone I have kept an eye on for as many years as I have known him.   He was involved at the time.  So was I,  now neither of us are,  and I am simply,  out of reach.    I dunno if I will ever be able to let those walls down.   But I heard the tap,  so at least they aren't terribly thick.

I would say to stay open my friends,  but I cannot give advice I myself cannot follow.    I would say stay positive,  but sometimes it is just too hard.   So I suppose instead i will say

"Stay in Motion my friends"
)O(
Lilith

I cannot tell a lie. (or shouldn't)

  This lesson was learned the hard way today for me.    I met someone from a dating site for the first time.   Seemed  charming,  until he got inside.   Before I knew it he had me against the wall.  Gripping my shoulders,  and digging his nails in.   It all happened so fast.  I am not even sure how its possible I hurt as much as I do right now.     Even my dog tried to defend me,  which was odd for him.   He grabbed the guy by the pant leg,  and when he did this fucker kicked him across the room.   My lil defender:

  He was a bit stronger than I expected,  I did not invite this guy to touch me.  I did the opposite and warned him I am not interested in touch or sex on a first,  second or even a month into dating.   I think this pissed him off.    He pushed me against the wall and knocked my head.  I got a lil dizzey and screamed.  This seemed to scare him off.

"Fuck this,"  and he left. 

once it was over I realized i felt some odd burning on my skin.  He left nasty marks all over my neck back shoulders and chest.  

  I told everyone that I called the cops.   I did not,  I feel bad about lieing about it,  I did it because I didn't want anyone feeling the need to go after him and I didn't want to get lectures on the need for me to do so.  if he comes back,  I will.   In the mean time.  IF ya meet someone on Tagged with the name Herium.   Leave him alone.  Bad apple.  

 So to those I lied to about the cops I do apologize.  All the talk about me being a liar.  Me defending myself and saying I am not.  Then what do I Do?  I lie about calling the cops..  Smart huh?    If he comes back I wont open the door,  I will call the cops and have it done then.  

For those of you who know me and how open I am concerning sexuality and all things concerned,  you know how I can be.   Partially My fault for being so open about it.  As HisRoyalRascalness says.. 

We show too many cards.

And I did.  He saw my hand and went for the win.   So I own that as well.  My part in the whole thing.

BlueShirt told me last night,  something I hate to have to swallow,  he is right.  It is different for women than it is for men.   More dangerous for us as women.  More to loose,  so to speak.  So I am off the site,   all of them.  Too Dangerous too many unknowns.

  I am truly sorry for that Lie.   I own it,  and I apologize.

Stay Honest My Friends

)O( 

Lilith

A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down.

   Well now,  where do I begin.   In the past week I wen't from darkness to light shining a little in my world again.

  I had quality time with good friends,   Met new ones and am prepping for this months Fetish Factory party!  "Seasons Beatings"  Cleaver..  I really cannot wait.  This time I am going Masquerade.    Black Ball gown.  Opera length black finger less gloves,  Beautiful half mask reminiscent of the Phantom of the opera.   Cool thing is.  I think my friends Shocker and BlueShirt are gonna go with me!

  I had Faith Rekindled in a friend I had feared I lost and have,  I think,  found my next place.   Things seem to both fall apart and come together all at once for me.   YAY Roller coasters!

  In my International Man Of Mystery blog I spoke about a girl he was chatting to from Thai Land.  This girl brought a serious smile to his face.   She lightened his mood and I loved to hear the tone in his voice when he was talking to/about her.   Always willing and wanting to please and make him smile.   Recently he found a woman who makes him very happy.  I see it in his face and hear it in his voice..   Its beautiful and I am so happy for him based on his present state as far as his health and mood.

Good Job!

  Well one thing anyone will tell you,  if you ever spoke to me or knew me when he and I were hanging on a "intimate" level.  He is influential.  He is endearing and for this lil girl he was the center of her universe.   She has had plans to come see him for almost a year,  but since he started dating he told her not to come.   The Determined lil Minx that she is.  She showed up.  Knocking on his door and TBH it was a disrespectful of her to do so.  

Bad !!   Cute!!  But BAD!

  This did not mean that his Need to tell her to go,  send her away and tell her not to come back Didn't break her heart.   Being as I have felt in the past the heart break it causes when you realize, as ChinaGirl said "not being the lucky one"   I went and met her after he left her off at her hotel.

The best Idea I ever had

  The first night I did,  she came to the apartment and ate some chicken soup and I let her just cry to me.   Unload all of what was in her head concerning him and how it broke her heart.  She is the sweetest thing.  Sharp as a whip,  and very very endearing.     The second day I took her with me to The Swap Shop in Ft Lauderdale and The Fetish Factory Store in Oakland Park.    She is a never married Thai girl with a Dowry.   I wanted to see her blush in the Fetish store.    She did too as bright as a the sun.   but she also helped me pick out some nice pieces for the party next week.   I have to say,  She helped me spend less than Half of what I was going to on the whole thing.  That and the fact my Friend Tracy had given me a black ball gown that would be perfect for the event!

I caught her admiring the restraints.

She kind of takes the whole "orientals and their cameras"  Stereo Type and nails it home.   She loves to take pictures and loves to have them taken.   I will post some throughout this blog. 

  Apparently this lil thing has a love for Fast cars.   She saw the "Museum" at the Swap shop and hand to have a pic of herself in front of almost every car.  The way her eyes lit up when she saw the cars was so amazing.  So we went inside and I snapped pics of her in front of them

  Once we got home she insisted I dress up in the outfit for the party so she could take pictures.   I put on that dress and the whole outfit and I swear I felt like Cinderella.  Yet another moment where seeing my image made me question it was even me.    

Chan roo-sok suay mak (I feel Beautiful in Thai)

  Now I know some people will say I was stupid to go and get her,   to put myself in a position where I had a lil more drama than I needed.

Drama bad.  peace and calm good

  But I look back on a lot of the last few months and I was left completely alone at times when I felt I wanted to die.   Asking those same questions I heard from her lips.

"What is wrong with me"
"Why am I not good enough"
"Did I not make him happy enough"

  No my dear sweet and so trusting lil new friend.

This is the chance you make when you let your heart get involved.

 I couldn't leave her alone with that.  *I* don't have that ability,  When someone needs a shoulder,  If I have it and the time to give,  I cannot say no.  I never will

So I made sure to give her a bit of what I saw from my side concerning her.

I did not know one other person that gave him such a delightful uplift as her.   And I made sure she knew it.

Her and I hung out for the afternoon,  she ordered Thai food,  in Thai which in itself made me giggle.   We played with my dog and chatted about relationships, men, sex, and..  the differences between most american women and women from her country.   Also in family.   My family was sheltering like hers can be,  it was an interesting conversation.    We also talked about religion,  which for me,  a HUGE subject.

   After she went back to her hotel,  I sat on the couch, 3 hours of sleep,  lots of emotional Outpouring, the past couple days have been Satisfying on every level.

Including a late night visitor.   Learned last night a man who knows hes wronged you,  can really make it up to you in the most,  amazing way.  Mmh been a while...   I dare say since before my Divorce,  that I have been this,  well rounded,  and satisfied!!

Stay Determined My Friends
Lilith
)O(

Gone Fishin'

  I am really fucking hurting right now.  Physically,  emotionally,  mentally.   I keep on waking up every day and pushing for what I want in my future.   I have no one,  friend or otherwise to share it with.  Not really.  My biggest sadness right now is all the things that are happening with me I cannot share with those I wanted to so badly.  Everything from Dr. Who, to my new job,  To the book that is now in a publisher's hands.  

  I am not angry, however,  I realize whether right or wrong.  The emotions other people are feeling concerning me are real.   Just sad people talk among themselves about me,  rather than to me.   The adult way is to not take what a person says as gospel truth.    To realize the truth lies somewhere in the middle between what people are saying on the situation.

  How dare I expect adult behavior from adults..


  The past week has been rather stupendous.  Like I said my book is now in the hands of not just one Publisher but 4 different ones.  I am not expecting it to be accepted.   I am however expecting to learn more of how to better it from their take on it.  So I can refine it.

  I have met a few nice friends.   I went fishing for the first time in over a decade this last week.  I dunno if Tom realizes that it was so wonderful for me.   I had forgotten how wonderful it was to do and how relaxing and therapeutic it was.  We have plans to go again and I cannot wait!

I have not smiled like this in forever.

                             
  I am simply doing as I should have from the beginning.    Not what a friend of mine says is best. "Not giving a fuck"   I don't believe for a minute that is how to live.   When you don't give a fuck,  it's easy for you to simply throw people away.  I am simply caring about what is most important first.

Me

  I am not giving up on any of them.  I am just focusing on not giving up on me.

Stay Focused My Friends!

)O(
Lilith

  

Utterly and completely cold.

  I feel so utterly cold.  I've dated a bit in the past few weeks and anything that is said I simply am not able to swallow.   Warm words met by a cold shoulder.     It don't matter if it is a Friendly meet or a Date.  I have to find a way to approach this stuff with less skeptical eyes.

Or not at all.

  I have never been this close to just giving up on relationships of any kind.  Fighting the desire to just vanish.  Tho it seems i already have,  at least to those who meant the most.  I am not asking either.  I am not reaching out.  I am not extending any more olive branches.  I am simply trying to stay on my path without falling into a gutter on either side.   Tho to hear some talk,  i am there already.

I do not deserve any of what has been thrown at me by "family and friends"
I would never have left anyone I called friend alone on Thanks Giving,
I would never have expected a friend to take all the blame for my life's downfalls
I would never have given up a friend.  Stopped talking to them,  because I had a romantic interest.
I do not forsake my friends.  Once I call you friend,  it is what you are,
as you have learned.  you have to walk away.
used to be I would always say my door is always open.
Not so sure about that,  as time passes I am questioning that policy of mine.
I have made my apologies.
I have made my peace.
Now I have to mourn and move on.

This is what is so hard for me....

I really don't want to.  I have been fighting for so long this darkness.  The more time passes even in all the awesome I have accomplished along the way so far.  I just don't want to anymore.  I am tired.  rotting slowly.   if 40 years of my life has yielded what it has to date.  Untrustworthy,  liars,  selfish,  cheaters,  sanctimonious assholes.    People who chew up people and then move on after absorbing the energy from them.

  I sit here literally,  looking around me.  I have a couple friends,  I do,  reality is,  once yer spent everyone will walk away.  Maybe they try and come back when you have recharged and they sip from ya again.

I never go back

 Only time I ever did was my Husband.  He hurt me hardcore over and over.   But I went back.  Lesson learned.  It wont happen again.

Moving on to the next zone.

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I have no one i can talk to about any of this.   It has to sit in my stomach and stew.  The only friend I have i wont talk to about it because he is a neutral peice and its not his problem.  So,  It sits here in my gut and stews.    if I talk here i will seal the fact that these people want nothing to do with me.
Based on mostly lies..
Based on one side of the story.
Based on half truths.

Retarded High school Click Bullshit.

My Mistake was moving here and expecting a community that is supposed to be so open and tolerant to tolerate me.

Oopse!

I forgot,  tolerance only of your own kind.

Sounds quite republican to me.

Stay Motivated My Friends
)O(

Like a forrest fire, Meant to renew and refresh.

Do give a listen.  

  Tho it is very destructive,  and traumatizing,  a good Forrest fire has it's purpose.  I burns away the old making way for the new.     Sometimes the trees that were scorched even start to grow new life from their stumps.  It's the same tree,  just cleansed and reborn.

  Much like a phoenix rising from the ashes to live a new life.

  One is still burning for me,  so I will relocate until the fires die,  until the life returns and nurture what has started to grow.   This new location,  is definitely going to challenge the pant's off me.   I stand poised and ready for it.  No matter the outcome I will swing until I own it,  At least in part.

  I am still and will be licking the wounds I have both had inflicted and inflicted on myself as of late,  as I know wounds i have inflicted on others are healing as well.  So,  that is what I am doing now.  Not just from the last few months.  The last 3 years are still oozing a little and need time.  So Wrapping up all the damaged areas,  closing them for admittance until remolding is done.

  I am allowing myself to indulge in the things I have kind of been afraid to lately.   I am considering taking on a sissy more regularly, More than considering hes on his way over.    I am also doing the dating thing....  with a different pace and dance step.  Newly learned and still perfecting the moves.

But then that is the fun in it all.  Practice,  Don't take things so seriously.

  Just felt a flow and wanted to put it out there.   Getting ready for company and time with some friends tonight.  Beer,  boys, and beautiful Florida weather.

  What is there really to be upset over?

Nothing I can control.  *Tosses it to the wind*

 Stay Open My Friends!
)O(

Understood and noted.

  OK,  it's become painfully obvious I have lost my network of friends down here.   I will also explain why.

1.  Was a rough year,  2 hospital stays,  Amputation,  lost my job.   Because of this I could only pay rent fin my last situation.   People I loved dearly.   Burdened by my presence.  It was not in my control at the time.  But it was what it was.

2.  I was dumb and made only friends thru other people Instead of out and on my own.
     Lesson learned.  Then again even the one friend I made on my own during that time has chosen to push me aside and encompass them.  Which ironically I understand.  After all I am a heterosexual female and his current female is...   not ok with him hanging with women who might possible want to fuck him.  Even tho Id rather take my eyes out with melon ballers than ever let him near me sexually again.

3.  Apparently unless you are as successful or "Solid" as your friends you aren't worthy of their company and companionship.

4.  I refuse or shoulder 100% of the guilt of a Difficult roommate situation.   I refuse to apologize for being the only cause of problems.  I refuse to shoulder all of the guilt on a bad business venture.
  3 adults 3 thirds of blame.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  I spent it utterly alone.  At first I was sad.  Lil sobbing,  a little self pity.  Then I realized that in reality,   I didn't want to be where they were.   Aparently my missing 100 dollars on the first months of rent with these friends (Which was given to me by them because I had to pay for a bed)  and then Not paying the last months rent.  (I was set to move out,  But she insisted i stay for the last month.  and not to worry about the rent because they were defaulting on the lease anyway.)   I lost my job and paid rent anyway.   Up until the last months as I said.  600 a month coming in I was paying 500.    Then I moved out and to where I am now.  I was renting a room.   With use of a bathroom and the kitchen,   (Shared bathroom)  for 500 a month.   Apparently I was to pay 1/3 of the utilities as well.  I faltered there with a lost job and illness.   It will be soon remedied.

Now all this truth above has somehow morphed into I paid no rent,  I had men over without asking my roommates (I'm sorry I thought I was an grown woman paying rent on a room)   I never did,  only HisRoyalRascalness was ever in my bed.    I have had comments from people that tell me they have the impression  I paid no rent.

  I was also there to babysit at a moments notice.   But this has gone utterly unrecognized.   So I have spent the last 2 weeks really analyzing the past few months.

Yes,  I was unable to help as much as I wanted to financially
I gave all i had.
I gave of my own ability
Babysitter
cook
friend

So for the loss of job,  and the stress that put on you I apologize
I also am grateful to you for all you did when I was ill and recovering from surgery,  It meant the world.
I also apologize for  not having yet been able to pay you back for the Utilities.
That will be remedied soon.
I also apologize (now for the 3rd time)  for my words in this blog offending you.  I was angry and feeling very Patronized for a long time.
This is the last time I apologize.  At least now its out there.  And it can be seen.

I am not,  however,  to blame for everything.   And I will not apologize for something I do not have blame on.

ALWAYS GET IT ON PAPER.

  So any friend I made in the last year has just gone to shit.  The tree has been pruned back and I am waiting to see if anything grows back.   I am,  however oddly content.  The routine has settled in.  Saved money looking for apartments seriously now.

I was told by one of my "friends"  to wait and see when I am more independent,  how all those friends you thought were gone will come back.

Fuck you,   you cannot handle me at my worst,
you sure as fuck do not deserve my best.

I miss all of you.
But then,  if what I have been hearing is what ya'll really believe.
Perhaps  I am better without.

Ya all were like family,

Stay Positive my friends!
)O(
Lilith

Today is just another day, and that's OK.

  I guess there are a few things I can say are positives about growing up one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  For one,  days like today, holidays are less likely to depress us if we find ourselves alone.   Growing up a JW these days really were just another day.  

  This year I am working On Thanksgiving.  Not that I got any invites anyway.  Ironically its OK.  If the last 2 years have been anything its been a crash course in how little you should rely on others presence to be happy.   I  have become quite good at finding happy within me.  I have found I am less in need of others around than I thought.  Lately it's been preferable.  

  I am not saying I do not miss people.   I do, very much.  I have also come to the point in my life where I will not beg,  grovel, whine or plead to get people to be with me or my friend.    I will not sacrifice my own integrity,  do or say anything that is against what I know inside to be true.

Ain't no one got time for that!

  So today I am gonna work my 12 hr shift and then play me some games.  Wake tomorrow to another every day kinda day and smile through it.    I really am Good with or without.

  While you all hang with your friends and family,  eat food and gossip/talk about the world and people around you.  Remember to give thanks for the good as often as you moan about the bad.  Remember that there are people out there who would be elated to have your problems.  Especially if they are because of all the friends you have around you.  


  Today I am thankful for a lot of things.

 My freedom to do, go, and be whoever I want.  No strings to hold me down
My Job and future financial stability
My own real sense of purpose.  
My Friend Tim who has unconditionally helped me out as of late
My dog prince.  Still the most loyal friend I have had.
My broken heart,  which
 is teaching me to survive without and appreciate what I have.

Stay Thankful My Friends!

Lilith
)O(

Put a little of everything on your plate.

  Ahh well,  ya win some, a loose some..   I think its one of the hardest concepts to grasp and really be able to embrace as truth sometimes.  We really WANT to win 'em all right?   This weekend I did the whole "Win" thing a lot.  I seriously pushed myself to do shit I normally wouldn't have, and also the things I should be doing.  It paid off quite well.

After Bob died I kinda went on a internal dig.  Soul Search ha,  love those times usually.   This weekend was a definite test of my courage, confidence, and social acumen.   It was also a challenge to my resolve.  It was also a reminder of the positive effects of any pain, suffering, and sacrifice we go through in life.   Keeps you growing,  improving, and bettering yourself as you go.

Like a diamond in a tumbler.

  I am finally actually shopping for apartments.   Options,  so many,  I literally can go wherever I want.  So I have been asking around.  I meet someone and its one of the questions I pop in.   I have heard a lot of good things about right where I am but to the north some.   I think that's the direction I am going.  But I cannot live here in Wilton,  The prices on simple places are just outrageous.  I do love this lil berg tho.  Will visit often!


  This past weekend I forced myself to get dressed up and go out alone.   Only place in town where you can meet a good blend of Gay and Straight people is The Manor.  So far at least.   I went had a couple drinks sat outside watching people as they came in and out.   This youthful looking guy came towards me.  I held my cellphone so I could see him over the top and still look to be playing a game on it.  as he passed I turned and looked at his ass..  I had to what I saw coming was so yummy I had to see if it ended on a sweet note too!

Boy did it ever.

  I wiggled a little in my seat and settled in to play blendoku for another hour until the place closed.  I felt a warm breath on my shoulder and one of the smoothest voices I have heard in a while tickled my ears.

"Mind if I sit with you beautiful?"

I literally looked around me and back at him "Yer talking to me?"  I slid over and patted the leather seat next to me,  "Well sure have a seat."  

 I was on the prowl I guess.  I wasn't looking for any connections,  or anyone to ever see again after that night.  So i played all my "hook em and tie em up"  cards.   Playful, flirty, open, and forward.     He leaned in after a moment and said,

"You know I love chubby girls."  he turned on his phone and showed me some pictures.  "I just love how soft they are"

  Nothing happened.  We walked around a bit and chatted,  he came back and met my roommate Blueshirt,  and kissed me goodbye,

Haven't heard from em since.  I guess I stayed on track with that one hey?  *laughs*

Then the next day I got a text from someone I met on Tagged.  He asked me out for sushi and then stood me up.  All the things that went thru my head.  Like maybe he came and sat in the parking lot and once he saw me he decided I wasn't sexy enough,  or chickened out.  I poked em a lil for standing me up.  Turns out his phone got stolen that night and he couldn't make it to me.  So we gave it another try.

  Rosie's bar in Wilton was the choice of venue this time.  I went and sat waiting.  He wasn't showing so I ordered a Appetizer.  Treat myself I thought.  Crab cakes.  It felt good to know that even if he didn't show I could take care of this meal myself.  And without making much of a dent in my budget.

As I sat there nibblin my crab cakes he texted me saying he went the wrong way.   I tipped the ketchup bottle onto its side near my plate,  the sign at Rosie's that ya are just away from the table but will return shortly.  Stood outside so he could find the place.  Rain,  wind,  and sandals.  I didn't mind.   I was,  am proud of myself for where I am going in many aspects of my life.   First time in a while.

  When he pulled up and got out of the car I was a little intimidated.   Very tall,  well dressed,  smelled amazing.   Nervous,  yeah a lil he was a handsome man black man,  younger,  and very smart.  Once we started talking.  It wasn't hard at all.  He was easy to be around.   I didn't feel out of place,  I was in my skin, and  I was confident.  At first driving the conversation then some of the conversation took off.   The right kind.  

  Religion, politics, GLBT community and a lot of aspirations.   He asked me a toughie.   My last heartbreak.   At first I told him I wasn't ready yet to discuss the last one.   I took a huge bite of my coconut shrimp and a sip of my gin and tonic laughing to myself how ironic it was the cocktail I was drinking during this particular line of questioning.   I let the glass hit the table a lil hard and laughed.

  "No you know I am ready."   I laughed and reached out poking his hand.  "I fell for someone who could never love me."   I took another drink and sighed.  "But it wasn't the worst heartbreak of the last year."

  I told him a little about the divorce.  How I met him and how it ended.  then asked him the same question.  Time for his buns to burn a little.

  He told me a little,  one sided energy exchange kind or relationship.  We all have had them.  You give all your energy to someone,  who cannot or will not ever reciprocate enough to keep your levels at a healthy place.    They Inevitably fail because one of the pair goes cold.   You cannot give energy and not recharge,  You end up with nothing to give and they walk away with it stuffed in their reserves for the next conquest.  

  We went back to where I am staying and sat on the back patio had a good smoke and went silent for a bit.  Goofy glazed and just sitting with our heads bent back lookin up at the sky enjoying the sound of the water and wind thru the palm trees,  giggling every once n a while at the randomness of the thoughts being expressed so comfortably.

"I just miss this,"  he said and looked at me.  "Someone to just hang with,  and to come down with after long days."   His accent making his words seem a little more unreal.

"I know,  me too."  I turned and looked at him over my glasses and smiled  "But everyone has their own idea of what that means.  Right now for me its exactly what We are doing right now for the most part."  I rolled slowly onto my left hip toward him and nudged em' a little.  "I am not out here to play any games.  I am not in a hurry,  but I am also too old to waste my energy on anything that isn't even partly consistent.   So I'm poking around to see what fits.  Just keep that in mind."

He laughed and even it had a accent.  This I had to laugh at.  He pulled me over and wrapped his arms around me and sighed.  

"It's good."  He just stroked my hair.

  I like this one,  he is out of the norm for me physically but mentally seems to be almost spot on.  We will see how it goes.   Spending and taking our time.  So much else going on.

He is on his way over tonight.   Gonna truly curl up on the couch and watch a movie.  No barriers,  no expectations,  no pressure.

Well I hope a little pressure.   Just a little...

Stay open my friends!
Lilith
)O(

An Ode to Farmer Bob, Thank you for the perspective old man.

  Last night I spent a little time,  since I had some to spare,  with TheShocker, Mr Content and Farmer Bob.  We drank a few and talked.  Ironically I didn't talk all that much.  Mr Greyer was, even tho he was gay,  women do not speak over men.  You let them finish.  Then you are told you can speak.   This didn't bother me too much.   This night however i was challenging him.   I reminded him, (thanks to some vodka and sprite)  exactly what it is women were are and always will be to the world.

The Backbone.

  For those of you who did not read my IMOM blog, TheShocker is a lawyer friend I met a few months ago.  Hes become a very good friend.    His neighbor,  I'll call him,  Mr,Content,  be cause he repeats a lot he has NO troubles in his life right now.  Bob,  a 78 year old gay man who I have been helping out as kind of a personal assistant.    See he was legally blind.  He needed a spare set of eyes.  He even interviewed me.  When i approached him for the first time,  I had to giggle.

  HE was seated in his very stylish Walker/chair combo legs crossed and smoking a Full Flavor menthol Pall Mall.   TheShocker and MrContent looked a lil' too serious for my tastes.   Tho a look in TheShockers eye told me it was all in good fun.

"Lilith sit down, This is Mr Greyer, and he wants to interview you for the job."  Already just a bit drunk I could tell and peering over his cigarette at me,  tho you could tell he didn't see a whole lot.

"Oh, oh is this her?  Oh yes my dear have a seat,  I have some things to ask you and these two handsome boys,"  he said waving the same hand he was holding the cigarette between his fingers in their direction.  "This is my Board of Directors,  They will have to make the final decision."

 I laughed and looked at TheShocker,  he winked back at me and I knew what I had to do.  I crossed my legs and folded my hands over my knees.

"Yes Sir?  What do you want to know?

  At first he was very serious.

"I will speak concisely and with meaning,  I will speak exactly what Is needed no more,  you do exactly as I tell you and we will work wonderfully."  He lit another cigarette , only getting the flame close enough to the tip to start it smoking.  The flame never touched.

"You see dear I am blind,  I need someone to help me organize.   To help me with correspondence and to help me get my bills paid sorted and filed away,  how organized are you?"

  I had to laugh at this question.  I can organize very well.  Gimme a day and I will organize the hell outta a space.   I just have a hard time keeping it that way.  That's exactly what I told him.  He laughed and choked on his cigarette.

"Well at least she's honest"  He said  "Do you think you can handle that?"

"Absolutely!"  I smiled and told him about my past exp in Home Care and Nursing home care.   He smiled at me and went silent for a bit.  TheShocker and MrContent cracked some jokes about being a Sexretary.   Bob broke the silence with a sick laugh.

 "Oh oh oh no wait,  Let me speak without interruption,"  everyone went quiet.  "Don't worry dear,  I am gay as the day is long and you don't have the equipment,  but I might have you drive me to a bar sometimes to pick me up a cutie."  For me at this point,  I knew he and I would be great friends.  He was,  for the short time I knew him, quite the perfect companion.

We Negotiated a wage and got to work.   The next morning I came to find him sitting on the couch watching the news,  and knocked on the door Jam.

"No!  no no,  what time is it dear?  Exactly the time no rounding up."

"It's 7:23 am Captain."

"What time were you to be here?"

"8:00 am"

"Go outside I am not ready for you yet.  Got to keep it on track,  or the day just goes to hell."

  So I went outside and smoked a cig,  listening to some music and trolling Facebook on my phone.

He asked me what kind of music I liked as he felt around for the dials on his van stereo.   "I love it all Captain."  The radio came on Far too loud,  his fingers poking around must have hit the volume up.  it scared him to giggle fits.

"Do you have any on you?"  he asked.  SO I took out my phone and put the blue tooth to work.  I have a song I play on repeat when I do my walking.   I started that again recently and i am gonna do it more and more.   But the song it has the perfect beat.  Morphine - Early to Bed.     Well its what played.   At first i said ill find something better.   He shook his head.

"No I like this,   Who is this and do they have many records?"   I laughed at "records"  and said they had a few.  He had me play a few,  he liked a lot of em but in the end said most seemed so depressing.   But there were 3 he requested regularly while on the road.

Morphine - Early to Bed

Morphine - You Look like Rain.

Morphine - French Fries with Pepper

He also often liked to listen to heavy club and house.  Me and Farmer bob rolling around Lauderdale bobbin our heads to some rave music.   It was the day's he liked classical playing,  that i loved the most.  For some reason when that music played he was calm and Cool.    Music fueled his biggest personality trait,  Passion. 

 He was passionate about many things.  Politics, God (but not religion),  Sex and flirting.   He loved to help people,  and he did so by having them help him.   TheShocker told him I was trying to save some  money.  Get into my own place and on my feet.   Hence I ended up working for him, in a way.  Yes I organized and helped him blind friendly his home.  Lil black dots just to the side of the button that puts 30 seconds on the cook time for every time you hit it.  YAY now he can nuke his Wendy's Small Chilli with extra hot sauce!  

  HE was a man on the edge..  *chuckles*

  Most of all he wanted the company.  He didn't want to be alone.   He had so much to share,  old people sometimes talk a lot want to be heard.   But,  this is because there are all those years of Knowledge.   Knowledge that he wishes he had at our ages.   We all should stop and listen more often.  Somehow people always stopped and listened.  He commanded that kind of attention.  No matter where we were.  People always stopped and listened.

  Well This morning I woke up and made my coffee.   Goin to Delray,  Bob needs his treatment and more than likely a lil Wendy's on the way home.  Poured my coffee put that song on loop and started my morning trek to his house.  It's a beautiful walk,  I don't care how tired, grumpy, or depressed I could be.  Taking that walk was enough to have me in chipper places inside!   

  He was slow moving,  very much so.  But he had been up very late with us.   After a long nap in the early afternoon.   Slow but moving!  It needs to be said.  This man never stopped moving.   You gotta admire that.    

 I drove em out for his treatments,  came home and made sure his house was unlocked.   Door open so he could get inside.   He sat out and listened to his car radio.  I hugged him and told him I would be there bright and early tomorrow for his appointment.  I walked home to start work in half hour.  

I got through 2 calls.   TheShocker called me over and over again.   I was on the phone with customers. doing my  Full time job.   finally in a break I notice TheShocker sent me a text.

"He passed away"

I walked faster and harder than I ever walked that walk.  Crying all the way there.   When I turned the corner I saw a police car and as I came to the back of it I saw a yellow blanket over bob on the ground.  That typical pull the cover over the head if it dies.  I really cried for a bit after seeing that.  Laying where I hugged him and went off to work.

 Police asked me some questions.  Kinda paced a lot.  I wasn't sure how to process it.  I really only knew the guy for a couple weeks.  Just so wise.  really truly wise.  He got used tho, a lot because of it.  Even he would say it.

  "I get used I know it,  but at least it put a smile on their face!"

I am angry tho,  his body laid on the pavement for hours.  Covered in a yellow blanket.  We played his absolute favorite song as they bagged him up.  

  

 We must have listened to it 20 more times while we sat out at the table 

I don't want to be alone tonight,  i didn't.  I have been for a while now.  But tonight,  I really wish I could have someone to talk to.   For the first time in a while,  I don't.  No one.  Good thing I have numbed out, or this would hurt a shit load more than it does.

He will be missed. HE is an inspiration and will be even now, in the memories and the stories people will share. 

I chose a pic to post that reflects who Bob was. And who he will remain in the memories of everyone who came into contact with him.

Farmer Bob, he loves to laugh, and make people laugh!

RIP Farmer Bob, you will be missed.

Keep giving gratitude my friends.
)O(

?

  Did they turn and look because I was pretty?
Or was I a Spectacle?
  Was I a friend,
Or a distraction.
  Did I earn your attention?
Or was it given out of pity?
  Did I care enough?
Or too much?

Did I do anything,
  Worth anything,
To you?

  Did I let myself believe,
Was I lead to believe,
  Naive enough to believe,
That a person's heart was worth more,
  Than gold,  or silver?

I have been told I am too honest
 Dishonest,
Not able to handle real truth.
  When truth be told,
I appreciate a painful truth
   Much more than caressing lies.


There is no real answer to any of this.
just more questions.
So I stop asking them.
I simply,
Stop.

I accept it.

  I am both sad and lighter today.  It's an odd combination.  Partly due to the gloomy weather I am sure.  But also because my life has changed again in bitter sweet kinda way.  People I once thought would never,  what's the word?     Hurt me,  or be hurt by me, have in some way or form been so.  Either they have completely floored me with how they seem to be able to see life,  or how they see themselves.

  I have been avoiding this particular blog entry.  It's been seated in my head and heart for about 6 weeks now.  Simmering slowly,  painfully,  and even has been a little cleansing.   I am angry at so many people,  myself included.   It's amazing what fear will make people do.  How they will treat people, and how much they so easily forget of their part in any situation,  bad or good.

  I plan on the practical means to acknowledge my part in situations right now.  Through action and not words.   By both giving of myself in an physical show of my apology in a situation,  and in removing myself from any situations that see there is danger in further mishap concerning the negative in them.   I do not talk about anything anymore.  I just don't want to.  Again,  talk is cheep,  actions is what insures rewards to reap.

  I need to find a switch on my heart,  maybe a dial.  Install one if I find none exists.   It's happened a bit naturally lately.   It's pushed some new friends away.  I dunno, however,  how much that matters.   I have been far to easy,  far to open,  and far to willing to  help, please, and change my instinct and Stifle my voice,  I got better but,  I still kept my mouth shut far to often when I should have opened it.  I also opened it when I should have kept it firmly shut.

I hate that i have a human heart.

I am also tired of feeling i cannot voice my opinion for fear of loosing a friend, lover, whatever.  I oddly don't care anymore.    There is far too much I am trying to make happen.  For once all I can seem to focus on is,  me.

Not that I am trying to hard to focus on anything else.  I just haven't the energy.  I never get a real return on it.  So I end up empty anyway.  Time to stock pile and not spend anymore of my resources on anything but my future and my well being.  Emotional, mental, physical, and material.    My reserves are empty.

  I am trying not to feel abandoned.   Tho it is what it feels like as far as some are concerned.  But it actually happened over the past 3 months.  I am really digging in hard to figure out any and all accountability I do have in the situations of the past.   Why it is I end up being the satellite spinning around the edges.    Only ever able to experience the Inside of that circle once and a while, and in the short term.  Then I am flung back out into orbit.  Never enough to keep close.   Alone and trying to keep centered.

  My thoughts make me laugh.  If I heard someone talking like I was thinking a year ago,  I would have simply called them bitter.   I really don't feel bitter.  I just feel as if I see things with a little less of a rose colored tint to my glasses.  I see the world around me,  I see my reflection in the mirror,  I see my age on my drivers card.  

I used to say I had given up on love, and for the most part I was just whining.   Hurt and trying to make it stop.  But right now,  I am not hurting over the loss of friends and companions as of late.   I am truly over it.  My heart has been packed away.   I know this because I have had a couple men recently who have showed interest and I went ice queen.  I know I did it I felt it I saw it,  they didn't deserve it.  But they got it.   Pure Ice Queen.  

I just see clowns.  Dancing around to music only they can hear.   Music no one else will ever really understand.  I will not put on any other face than my own anymore.  


  I am also tired of people who cannot even allow a person to have thier view or way of handling things without trying to make them feel dumb because they do not think like them.   Just because someone can face something with a smile you could not yourself,  does not mean they don't take it seriously.  It just means they don't take to TOO seriously.   What will happen will happen.    Arm yourself with as much knowledge to survive it.

I will not get more beautiful
I will not grow any younger.

I just don't see love in the cards for me.
And Friendship will be very few and far between.

I just don't trust anymore.

So I focus on myself,  2 jobs, saving money.  Getting my life up and running.   I don't think I ever want anyone in this space again.  I don't think I want to even be around people right now.
I am tired of growing to really like them
Then being tossed off to the side,


I guess its the realization I was simply and only a distraction for people.   Or became little more than a scapegoat for their problems.   I have no problem accepting my share of accountability.  I will never again take all of it.

I will die before I let myself depend on anyone again.   Either I got this.  Or I am done.

I am struggling with life,  I see no real joy in it.  I keep going trying to find hope in every situation.  I just haven't any of it left.  I cannot even dream anymore.  Hope,  and wish?  Right.


After all that,  why do I feel lighter?
Simple;

I accept it.

)O(
Lilith