I am both sad and lighter today. It's an odd combination. Partly due to the gloomy weather I am sure. But also because my life has changed again in bitter sweet kinda way. People I once thought would never, what's the word? Hurt me, or be hurt by me, have in some way or form been so. Either they have completely floored me with how they seem to be able to see life, or how they see themselves.
I have been avoiding this particular blog entry. It's been seated in my head and heart for about 6 weeks now. Simmering slowly, painfully, and even has been a little cleansing. I am angry at so many people, myself included. It's amazing what fear will make people do. How they will treat people, and how much they so easily forget of their part in any situation, bad or good.
I plan on the practical means to acknowledge my part in situations right now. Through action and not words. By both giving of myself in an physical show of my apology in a situation, and in removing myself from any situations that see there is danger in further mishap concerning the negative in them. I do not talk about anything anymore. I just don't want to. Again, talk is cheep, actions is what insures rewards to reap.
I need to find a switch on my heart, maybe a dial. Install one if I find none exists. It's happened a bit naturally lately. It's pushed some new friends away. I dunno, however, how much that matters. I have been far to easy, far to open, and far to willing to help, please, and change my instinct and Stifle my voice, I got better but, I still kept my mouth shut far to often when I should have opened it. I also opened it when I should have kept it firmly shut.
I hate that i have a human heart.
I am also tired of feeling i cannot voice my opinion for fear of loosing a friend, lover, whatever. I oddly don't care anymore. There is far too much I am trying to make happen. For once all I can seem to focus on is, me.
Not that I am trying to hard to focus on anything else. I just haven't the energy. I never get a real return on it. So I end up empty anyway. Time to stock pile and not spend anymore of my resources on anything but my future and my well being. Emotional, mental, physical, and material. My reserves are empty.
I am trying not to feel abandoned. Tho it is what it feels like as far as some are concerned. But it actually happened over the past 3 months. I am really digging in hard to figure out any and all accountability I do have in the situations of the past. Why it is I end up being the satellite spinning around the edges. Only ever able to experience the Inside of that circle once and a while, and in the short term. Then I am flung back out into orbit. Never enough to keep close. Alone and trying to keep centered.
My thoughts make me laugh. If I heard someone talking like I was thinking a year ago, I would have simply called them bitter. I really don't feel bitter. I just feel as if I see things with a little less of a rose colored tint to my glasses. I see the world around me, I see my reflection in the mirror, I see my age on my drivers card.
I used to say I had given up on love, and for the most part I was just whining. Hurt and trying to make it stop. But right now, I am not hurting over the loss of friends and companions as of late. I am truly over it. My heart has been packed away. I know this because I have had a couple men recently who have showed interest and I went ice queen. I know I did it I felt it I saw it, they didn't deserve it. But they got it. Pure Ice Queen.
I just see clowns. Dancing around to music only they can hear. Music no one else will ever really understand. I will not put on any other face than my own anymore.
I am also tired of people who cannot even allow a person to have thier view or way of handling things without trying to make them feel dumb because they do not think like them. Just because someone can face something with a smile you could not yourself, does not mean they don't take it seriously. It just means they don't take to TOO seriously. What will happen will happen. Arm yourself with as much knowledge to survive it.
I will not get more beautiful
I will not grow any younger.
I just don't see love in the cards for me.
And Friendship will be very few and far between.
I just don't trust anymore.
So I focus on myself, 2 jobs, saving money. Getting my life up and running. I don't think I ever want anyone in this space again. I don't think I want to even be around people right now.
I am tired of growing to really like them
Then being tossed off to the side,
I guess its the realization I was simply and only a distraction for people. Or became little more than a scapegoat for their problems. I have no problem accepting my share of accountability. I will never again take all of it.
I will die before I let myself depend on anyone again. Either I got this. Or I am done.
I am struggling with life, I see no real joy in it. I keep going trying to find hope in every situation. I just haven't any of it left. I cannot even dream anymore. Hope, and wish? Right.
After all that, why do I feel lighter?
Simple;
)O(
Lilith
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