OK, it's become painfully obvious I have lost my network of friends down here. I will also explain why.
1. Was a rough year, 2 hospital stays, Amputation, lost my job. Because of this I could only pay rent fin my last situation. People I loved dearly. Burdened by my presence. It was not in my control at the time. But it was what it was.
2. I was dumb and made only friends thru other people Instead of out and on my own.
Lesson learned. Then again even the one friend I made on my own during that time has chosen to push me aside and encompass them. Which ironically I understand. After all I am a heterosexual female and his current female is... not ok with him hanging with women who might possible want to fuck him. Even tho Id rather take my eyes out with melon ballers than ever let him near me sexually again.
3. Apparently unless you are as successful or "Solid" as your friends you aren't worthy of their company and companionship.
4. I refuse or shoulder 100% of the guilt of a Difficult roommate situation. I refuse to apologize for being the only cause of problems. I refuse to shoulder all of the guilt on a bad business venture.
3 adults 3 thirds of blame.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I spent it utterly alone. At first I was sad. Lil sobbing, a little self pity. Then I realized that in reality, I didn't want to be where they were. Aparently my missing 100 dollars on the first months of rent with these friends (Which was given to me by them because I had to pay for a bed) and then Not paying the last months rent. (I was set to move out, But she insisted i stay for the last month. and not to worry about the rent because they were defaulting on the lease anyway.) I lost my job and paid rent anyway. Up until the last months as I said. 600 a month coming in I was paying 500. Then I moved out and to where I am now. I was renting a room. With use of a bathroom and the kitchen, (Shared bathroom) for 500 a month. Apparently I was to pay 1/3 of the utilities as well. I faltered there with a lost job and illness. It will be soon remedied.
Now all this truth above has somehow morphed into I paid no rent, I had men over without asking my roommates (I'm sorry I thought I was an grown woman paying rent on a room) I never did, only HisRoyalRascalness was ever in my bed. I have had comments from people that tell me they have the impression I paid no rent.
I was also there to babysit at a moments notice. But this has gone utterly unrecognized. So I have spent the last 2 weeks really analyzing the past few months.
Yes, I was unable to help as much as I wanted to financially
I gave all i had.
I gave of my own ability
Babysitter
cook
friend
So for the loss of job, and the stress that put on you I apologize
I also am grateful to you for all you did when I was ill and recovering from surgery, It meant the world.
I also apologize for not having yet been able to pay you back for the Utilities.
That will be remedied soon.
I also apologize (now for the 3rd time) for my words in this blog offending you. I was angry and feeling very Patronized for a long time.
This is the last time I apologize. At least now its out there. And it can be seen.
I am not, however, to blame for everything. And I will not apologize for something I do not have blame on.
ALWAYS GET IT ON PAPER.
So any friend I made in the last year has just gone to shit. The tree has been pruned back and I am waiting to see if anything grows back. I am, however oddly content. The routine has settled in. Saved money looking for apartments seriously now.
I was told by one of my "friends" to wait and see when I am more independent, how all those friends you thought were gone will come back.
Fuck you, you cannot handle me at my worst,
you sure as fuck do not deserve my best.
I miss all of you.
But then, if what I have been hearing is what ya'll really believe.
Perhaps I am better without.
Ya all were like family,
Stay Positive my friends!
)O(
Lilith
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