I have experienced an odd feeling lately. It feels like hunger. Pit of my stomach empty and sticking to itself. But even when I eat the feeling does not go away. Mind you it's not an emptiness. All I can describe it as, is like my receptors are no longer working. Those little things that tell you you are full or receiving any kind of nourishment. It's not purely physical either. It's emotional and mental as well. Kind of like when yer gas tank reads empty even tho you just filled it up.
No matter the input, kind words, good food, warm hugs, or even negative feed back. It is as if i do not feel it. It bounces off and falls to the ground like it never happened. The ironic thing is, I am not even trying to receive anything. I seriously am just not open to any of it anymore. Good, bad it don't matter.
Tonight I am supposed to be going to a event I have been looking forward to for a month now, and I really am forcing myself to do so. I have got to find a way to De-Ice. Because this is one place I cannot go to with the walls so firmly up
But they are up, and they are solid
So, how do I do it? Fake it till ya make it? I HATE THAT. I am afraid to put off bad signals tonight. I'm afraid to put anything out tonight. I almost want to skip the whole thing. But I will go, force myself to interact. I just hope I don't piss anyone off. Cynical, untrusting, and unapproachable.
Hopefully that changes once I get all dressed up.
In addition, I was told something last night, something I already knew. someone felt a connection to me, one I felt with them as well. They used words, i cannot seem to absorb or use as of late. Someone said the words "I Love You". They said it more than once, each time it felt like a dull tap on my wall. I feel bad, that I cannot feel, and that those words tho beautiful, just do not process for me anymore. I dunno if they ever will. He is an old friend and someone I have kept an eye on for as many years as I have known him. He was involved at the time. So was I, now neither of us are, and I am simply, out of reach. I dunno if I will ever be able to let those walls down. But I heard the tap, so at least they aren't terribly thick.
I would say to stay open my friends, but I cannot give advice I myself cannot follow. I would say stay positive, but sometimes it is just too hard. So I suppose instead i will say
"Stay in Motion my friends"
)O(
Lilith
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