Feeling quite, adult.

  There are people who would laugh reading this title.  My parents would be one.  My ex husband is another.   My ex mother in law too,  after all I live in a fantasy land according to her.   Expecting happy endings,  wanting them.  But reality is,  it's not that I expected them,  I wished,  I hoped, and I allowed myself to dream.

  Right now,  and I am not saying this in a sad,  depressed,  or forlorn way,  I am saying it in a "Ah Ha!"  Kind of way.  I do not like to dream,  or wish,  or hope anymore.  Now add to this that I am simply doing as I wish.  My whims,  what I want,  and asking for what I want,  without being upset when I am denied or cannot attain those things I want.

I just work harder and/or smarter to attain them.

 What I want has definitely changed in the past 2-3 years.  Where I once believed unless I had lots of friends,  a man,  or a pet I could not be happy.   Quality not quantity is the key.   Balance as well in all things.   It's been months but this week is the first time I was comfortable in my me time.

I feel like I deserve it now. 
Everyone does.


So it's early Sunday morning,  I just returned from some chill time and good chatter with someone I have mentioned in another blog,  His Royal Rascalness.   We are watching this very interesting and cool series where they tell the story of major era's like the Roaring 20's  Victorian era,  Elizabethan Era, Roman Times,  they give a good history.   But they do it showcasing the food,  and culinary norms of the time.  It's informative,  it's entertaining,  humorous,   and educational.   Good conversation.  Perfect, save for one thing,  I wanted to be home.  It was good to see him.  Good to get away from the house where I work now as well as well as live,   cabin fever!    But I wanted my blanket my computer and some chill head time.   No one in it,  (head that is)  no one around so I could scratch myself and fart if i wanted to without feeling embarrassed.

It was an odd feeling.

  I have found myself forcing social interaction.  Even with my most trusted and adored friends.  I just don't like people.  Yes,  I am a people,  so sometimes I do not even like who and what I can be.  I am trying to stop my "demands" in my head.  I am trying to stop the "score card" mentality.  Doing a good job I think.  I never give and expect to get anything back.  I give if and when and because I WANT TO.  Not because I might get something out of it in the end.   If I am asked,  and I have it to give,  it is given.  Sometimes even if I have to cut what I have in half,  I will still give it.

  I have decided as well,  I do not want a ass load of friends.  I have about 5 right now,   who mean the world to me.  But that really is it.  

  It is a comfortable and manageable number.

I have tested another change in me to make sure it was not a temporary thing,  or something I will not be able to keep up on.  I have literally come to the place where people do not effect my happiness.   What people say or do,  or DON'T do as it were does not have any baring on my happiness.  It's a nice thing.

I am missing something tho,  something I find to be very important when it comes to being healthy on all levels,  Spiritually,  emotionally, and physically,  Intimacy.  People get this mixed up with sex and sensuality.   Intimacy does snot have to include any arousal at all.   A hug,  can go a million miles to helping someone feel better.  Sooth anxiety,  and uplift a spirit.  Same with cuddles and snuggles.  Some have a hard time separating this from sex/sensuality.  

I miss it, and hate that most everyone I would even consider sharing this kind of intimacy seems to think it has to or does include sex and all that it comes with.   The feeling of letting yourself spill into someones arms and relax is the most settling antidepressant and anti anxiety fix there is.  I am missing it.  Either those who would be good "cuddle buddies"  expect more than that from me.  Or they think I expect more than that.   Fucken assholes and assuming jerk offs.  I say what I want,  I won't beat around the bush.


  I start my first normal schedule for work tomorrow.  Noon to 9pm,  Wednesdays and Sunday's off.   Looking forward to the routine.  Looking forward to making things work.  Looking forward to my independence growing.  The less I feel I need people the less I worry about what they think.   It's nice, freeing and empowering.

Time to throw myself into some gaming.  Skyrim needs their Dragonborn!

Light and love
Blessed be!
)O(