I am fighting with everything I have not to fall into that spiral. You know the one, that path of thinking where you end up spinning downwards into a negative place that some never seem to return from. Others hang there for a while and climb back up to fight another day.
The past 2 months have been unreal. Good and bad, Positive and negative. I have been without money and food on regular basis. I had a meal yesterday and a couple before thanks to kindness from 2 of the friends i seem to have left. I am sick now. I cannot think straight I have a nasty infection now I am trying to fight. So much pain, I am dizzy and unsteady. I have been vomiting so much, I am drinking water to keep the dry heaves away. Working thru it. Glad to have the job I have Looking forward to that first pay check to get me something to eat since The food stamp office has still failed to deliver my EBT card, after almost 4 weeks of waiting, reissuing and repeated calls to them.
That first check was to be deposited last night into my account and it never came, I have been calling all over my Employers to get some answers and getting nothing but full mail boxes and more numbers to call from anyone who I did get to talk to.
Lets add some non financial shit to this pile.
How to begin, how to do this so as not to upset people more. I don't think that is possible. Especially when those who are upset are just Looking for a reason to be upset at anyone but who they should most be, themselves.
I am being asked to take the blame for 3 adults failing in a cohabitation venture. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am the one to blame. That unless I can acknowledge the damage i have done, that everyone else can see I have done. I am a fool. I have sat for days thinking about it. Stewing Hurt and appalled that anyone, any adult can actually believe that anyone else is completely to blame for their bad luck or decisions. I love this person with all of my heart. But i find myself wanting to say, "I will not take all the blame, there were 3 adults, I will, at most take 1/3 of it."
I do not want to loose any friendships. At the moment, however, I am loosing myself. My health, my mind, and my ability to even want to continue. Every step forward has been met with a knocked back 2.
I am clawing at that spiral pretty badly right now... Trying to stay at or near the rim. Yesterday was the last time I will ask for help. Yesterday was the last time I will even think to get support from anywhere.
I will figure it out on my own, or die trying. I don't know if anyone knows the pain of a UTI, The nausea and they constant discomfort. I have spent a majority of the past week crying. Looking with hope to this day, and then the thing that would have truly saved me. The money I have earned myself was not available and may not be until Monday. I have no idea what To do anymore. I have not felt such loneliness in so long. Oddly I am finding I prefer it.
After all, I have apparently, single handedly ruined one of my most valued friends life, relationship, and financial standing. I have not been able to feed myself regardless of working full time now for almost a month, and I have trying so hard to stay positive but am now in what seems like a stuck hard negative head space. I am tired of pushing this elephant up the stairs, the feeling that I wish it would just come free and crush me finally is too much to deny. Yet I keep grunting, at the least holding it in place if not budging it a bit. How long before its understandable and my arms give out?
I feel like all the friends, save for 2 maybe 3 have been lost to me due to some thinking, completely lacking in cognitive reasoning, has been shared and spread among the only friends I have made since I got down here. Somehow it is, however, oddly comforting. The less people I have in my circle, the less will be crushed when the elephant does comes smashing down on top of me. I find myself just wanting to push them all away. Live or die on my own, and not have to worry if I take anyone with me. Even if it is just emotionally for them.
I do not feel suitable for anyone, or anything. Least of all Myself. Even in the work I have done to get better. I know this is all just my Diabetes or at least a lot of it. Not eating enough/right, Out of meds. out of time. I have tried so hard to get it all right. Instead, every ledge I climb onto on this mountain I am climbing boasts a beast that knocks me back down to the next. I dunno how I can keep trying to climb.
I feel broken
Heart
soul
body
mind.
Not sure I want it fixed. Maybe smashed and swept up into a dust bin would be better. At least then I can no longer be a scapegoat, a burden, or a person most people seem to simply see as weak, and unnecessary. I cannot stand the thought of the couple of friends I do have left, pulling away.
I truly do not understand. Why i keep ending up in this place
I give without expectation of return
I respect those around me
I love with all my heart,
tho what is left of that is not enough for even me right now.
I retreat then, Until i make a break happen. See how that is said? UNTIL I MAKE A BREAK HAPPEN. UNTIL I MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN BETTER IN MY LIFE. No one else is to blame or to be lauded if and when I do, or don't. That is the adult and reasonable way to see things. Shit happens, if ya cant change it, move on if ya can than do it. Or Die as you try...
Blessed Be.
Lilith T
)O(
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