Ramble on Rose.

   I ain't even gonna try and Name this entry until I am done.   May end up without a name.  I feel like I am vibrating all over my skin.  Realizations,  Understandings and so many other weird revelations.  I feel as if I am caught in a rip tide.  I am winning however,  This stream will cause me to fail.  That's all this is.  A simple tributary feeding into something better down a bit,  where the stream turns into a larger deeper and more balanced flow.  That's what I have learned recently.

I am not wrong to seek Balance. 

  I do realize I tend to try and balance too much.  I also think, tho thinking in too much of extreme in either direction is a bad thing,  that ya need to go to extremes sometimes.  Snap yourself either way to keep the other plains all in alignment.  

  I am trying to settle without settling in.   This is what has been going through  my mind all day.  Trying to be comfy enough to get my job done.  Without settling in.  Because I see several moves  ahead of me.   Ironically it's mostly my OWN shit in the way right now.    Even what is technically "Other people's Shit"  is only because I am "The Shit in their way".   The Moral of the story?

We all end up shit on someones shoe.

It's not fair,  or pleasant to realize this.   But it also helps out a lot to figure out where exactly to give the most intense and well placed Fuck.

Or none at all..

 We also find ourselves the apple of someone's eye, the adored, the adoring.

Everything in between.

Which is my point.  So much color, so much variety,  so many ways to see things.  I cannot do the black and white thinking anymore.  I also cannot swallow anything at face value.  I do not believe it anymore,  words.  Actions,  that is all I will accept as proof of what is said.   Until the two jive,  I believe nothing.

Or at least very little

 Seems there has been a involuntary pruning of my Friends and Family tree.  I have lost a few as of late, also some new growth has begun to sprout.   I do not think these friends are gone for good.  Just on Holiday.  Right now I really don't have the time to worry or stress over things.  Especially if I cannot control or change the past.  So I will simply keep plugging along.  After all that's what life is right?

 Someone recently pointed something out to me,  about me.  I love a good mirror.   He has pointed out to me I seem to be full of anger.  In being shown this in me I am paying attention.  Yes,  I have a great deal of anger I am working through at this moment.  Both old and new catalysts.

I am Human...

 I have thrown myself out there again.  The "Mating World"  I have called it this before.  In my Letters to my International Man of Mystery Blog.  It's really all it is.  We call it Dating to cover the fact it is all about meeting some primal and basal Need.   Whether it be Companionship,  or sex.  Love is just a nice label we put on it to make it seem noble.  When in actuality its all about the payoff.  For most anyway.

 It amazes me,  more than just a little,  how we get stuck in cycles.  Those little circles that keep us stuck against their walls.   Some centrifugal force that causes us to seek out the familiar,  what we held for so long,  in so many repeated decisions and mistakes, as the "norm".  When the truth is,  normal in relationships varies in so many degrees.  As I said before,  all the color, variety, and options in life.  Why do we find ourselves either stuck in,  or repeatedly pulled back after a long and trying climb out, to that ridiculous, environmentally, and emotionally ingrained rut?

  Don't expect a answer from me,  I have been trying to figure this out for,  shit,  7 years now.    It's utterly maddening.   Sometimes the ruts change,  not because we change much other than dents' bruises and scars not just on us, but those who we touch as well,  I think it's us who changes.  Our view if we let it.  I think that's the key.  I know it is..  Taking in every view,   opening your mind to the new and different.  Letting it soak in and make us different.

I am doing a lot of rambling right now.  Mostly because I am working things out in my head.   Assigning and accepting blame,  learning not to blame myself or others completely for anything.   Learning to forgive where it seems there should be none.   Learning to forgive myself.

Anger...  yeah yer right Dude.  MMh Dude need a real name for this guy.   Someone I met recently,  who has,  even if he don't know it,  played far to many of his cards so soon.  I am gonna give him the blog name  *Drum Roll*  ArchAngel.  Mostly because when he gave me his name at the FF party I laughed to myself over the Arch Angel Michael belief the Jehovah's Witnesses had.  How different it really was from most christian religions.  And I thought about it.  The Watchtower bible and tract Society make Jesus "Perfect Man"  and simply a ransom.  Not a god or deity as it were.  Because they needed get one of the "Mediators"  out of the way.  The down Played Jesus a lot.  Which always made me laugh.

 So yes back to ArchAngel,  showing cards blah blah;

     So did I,  part of the rut I get in.  I will say it again, however, I think this is not a bad thing.  Especially if you are a real person.  Be real,  be you, be proud of that, but be smart.   There is no easy button in trying to find people to share life with.   Friends, lovers, mates, all of them take serious patience and understanding.  It takes really being willing to be open and honest.   Be able to accept honesty and trust it.   Be ready to sacrifice,  sometimes we make it,  sometimes we are it.   Sometimes you get stuck really hard and it stings a while.  But there is always those experiences where you get caressed so perfectly,  all of the pain disappears.

Which are you right now and to whom of your "limbs"  do you care the most for?  Which are you stepping on to reach the next.  And would you appreciate having them when things change and your world is, once again,  changed?

Keep Seeking those Caressing moments. Always remember,  The one constant is change.

 Those are rare moments,  so painfully infrequent.  For some not so much.   The society we live in however,  makes it very hard to break through into that with people because most of the population is, in fact,  I believe that each and every one of us are guilty of it to some degree.   The offence?  Being a little shallow,  superficial, and judgmental.

 "I am Not!!"

I hear ya saying it in yer head as you read this.  Really?  Is that what you call honest?  Tisk Tisk..  if ya wanna claim honesty and deny this one,  Maybe a look in a mirror will be a good thing.   We all do it. We all chose not to see someone because they just didn't turn us on.   Visually as well as mentally.

 Tho,  I think rejecting some one as a Mate or a friend based on their mentality or intellect is not so bad a thing to do.   After all, that's whats left when the body no longer looks or functions as it once did.  So if you're someone who needs that mind to connect with yours because yer smart enough to know that's where it Truly is at.  Go right ahead,  Make that decision.   It's OK.  

  I am also fighting darkness,  those questions we ask ourselves in moments of doubt.  Is all this work work push push really worth the effort?  Is it even worth looking for "Love"  when its so obvious  it is something that seems to have been lost to the wind somehow?

Is there really any reason for anything?

  No,  there isn't,  and that another good point.  No matter what happens today, there will be new born children tomorrow,  a war will rage,   a child will cry and one will laugh, people will claim to "Fall in Love" and out of it.

The sun will rise tomorrow.  Whether we rise with it or not.

Ramble on Rose...   Perfect.
Lilith
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