Tho it is very destructive, and traumatizing, a good Forrest fire has it's purpose. I burns away the old making way for the new. Sometimes the trees that were scorched even start to grow new life from their stumps. It's the same tree, just cleansed and reborn.
Much like a phoenix rising from the ashes to live a new life. One is still burning for me, so I will relocate until the fires die, until the life returns and nurture what has started to grow. This new location, is definitely going to challenge the pant's off me. I stand poised and ready for it. No matter the outcome I will swing until I own it, At least in part.
I am still and will be licking the wounds I have both had inflicted and inflicted on myself as of late, as I know wounds i have inflicted on others are healing as well. So, that is what I am doing now. Not just from the last few months. The last 3 years are still oozing a little and need time. So Wrapping up all the damaged areas, closing them for admittance until remolding is done.
I am allowing myself to indulge in the things I have kind of been afraid to lately. I am considering taking on a sissy more regularly, More than considering hes on his way over. I am also doing the dating thing.... with a different pace and dance step. Newly learned and still perfecting the moves.
But then that is the fun in it all. Practice, Don't take things so seriously.
Just felt a flow and wanted to put it out there. Getting ready for company and time with some friends tonight. Beer, boys, and beautiful Florida weather.
OK, it's become painfully obvious I have lost my network of friends down here. I will also explain why.
1. Was a rough year, 2 hospital stays, Amputation, lost my job. Because of this I could only pay rent fin my last situation. People I loved dearly. Burdened by my presence. It was not in my control at the time. But it was what it was.
2. I was dumb and made only friends thru other people Instead of out and on my own.
Lesson learned. Then again even the one friend I made on my own during that time has chosen to push me aside and encompass them. Which ironically I understand. After all I am a heterosexual female and his current female is... not ok with him hanging with women who might possible want to fuck him. Even tho Id rather take my eyes out with melon ballers than ever let him near me sexually again.
3. Apparently unless you are as successful or "Solid" as your friends you aren't worthy of their company and companionship.
4. I refuse or shoulder 100% of the guilt of a Difficult roommate situation. I refuse to apologize for being the only cause of problems. I refuse to shoulder all of the guilt on a bad business venture.
3 adults 3 thirds of blame.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I spent it utterly alone. At first I was sad. Lil sobbing, a little self pity. Then I realized that in reality, I didn't want to be where they were. Aparently my missing 100 dollars on the first months of rent with these friends (Which was given to me by them because I had to pay for a bed) and then Not paying the last months rent. (I was set to move out, But she insisted i stay for the last month. and not to worry about the rent because they were defaulting on the lease anyway.) I lost my job and paid rent anyway. Up until the last months as I said. 600 a month coming in I was paying 500. Then I moved out and to where I am now. I was renting a room. With use of a bathroom and the kitchen, (Shared bathroom) for 500 a month. Apparently I was to pay 1/3 of the utilities as well. I faltered there with a lost job and illness. It will be soon remedied.
Now all this truth above has somehow morphed into I paid no rent, I had men over without asking my roommates (I'm sorry I thought I was an grown woman paying rent on a room) I never did, only HisRoyalRascalness was ever in my bed. I have had comments from people that tell me they have the impression I paid no rent. I was also there to babysit at a moments notice. But this has gone utterly unrecognized. So I have spent the last 2 weeks really analyzing the past few months.
Yes, I was unable to help as much as I wanted to financially
I gave all i had.
I gave of my own ability
Babysitter
cook
friend
So for the loss of job, and the stress that put on you I apologize
I also am grateful to you for all you did when I was ill and recovering from surgery, It meant the world.
I also apologize for not having yet been able to pay you back for the Utilities.
That will be remedied soon.
I also apologize (now for the 3rd time) for my words in this blog offending you. I was angry and feeling very Patronized for a long time.
This is the last time I apologize. At least now its out there. And it can be seen.
I am not, however, to blame for everything. And I will not apologize for something I do not have blame on. ALWAYS GET IT ON PAPER. So any friend I made in the last year has just gone to shit. The tree has been pruned back and I am waiting to see if anything grows back. I am, however oddly content. The routine has settled in. Saved money looking for apartments seriously now.
I was told by one of my "friends" to wait and see when I am more independent, how all those friends you thought were gone will come back.
Fuck you, you cannot handle me at my worst,
you sure as fuck do not deserve my best.
I miss all of you.
But then, if what I have been hearing is what ya'll really believe.
Perhaps I am better without.
I guess there are a few things I can say are positives about growing up one of Jehovah's Witnesses. For one, days like today, holidays are less likely to depress us if we find ourselves alone. Growing up a JW these days really were just another day.
This year I am working On Thanksgiving. Not that I got any invites anyway. Ironically its OK. If the last 2 years have been anything its been a crash course in how little you should rely on others presence to be happy. I have become quite good at finding happy within me. I have found I am less in need of others around than I thought. Lately it's been preferable.
I am not saying I do not miss people. I do, very much. I have also come to the point in my life where I will not beg, grovel, whine or plead to get people to be with me or my friend. I will not sacrifice my own integrity, do or say anything that is against what I know inside to be true.
Ain't no one got time for that!
So today I am gonna work my 12 hr shift and then play me some games. Wake tomorrow to another every day kinda day and smile through it. I really am Good with or without.
While you all hang with your friends and family, eat food and gossip/talk about the world and people around you. Remember to give thanks for the good as often as you moan about the bad. Remember that there are people out there who would be elated to have your problems. Especially if they are because of all the friends you have around you.
Today I am thankful for a lot of things.
My freedom to do, go, and be whoever I want. No strings to hold me down
My Job and future financial stability
My own real sense of purpose.
My Friend Tim who has unconditionally helped me out as of late
My dog prince. Still the most loyal friend I have had.
My broken heart, which
is teaching me to survive without and appreciate what I have.
Ahh well, ya win some, a loose some.. I think its one of the hardest concepts to grasp and really be able to embrace as truth sometimes. We really WANT to win 'em all right? This weekend I did the whole "Win" thing a lot. I seriously pushed myself to do shit I normally wouldn't have, and also the things I should be doing. It paid off quite well.
After Bob died I kinda went on a internal dig. Soul Search ha, love those times usually. This weekend was a definite test of my courage, confidence, and social acumen. It was also a challenge to my resolve. It was also a reminder of the positive effects of any pain, suffering, and sacrifice we go through in life. Keeps you growing, improving, and bettering yourself as you go.
Like a diamond in a tumbler.
I am finally actually shopping for apartments. Options, so many, I literally can go wherever I want. So I have been asking around. I meet someone and its one of the questions I pop in. I have heard a lot of good things about right where I am but to the north some. I think that's the direction I am going. But I cannot live here in Wilton, The prices on simple places are just outrageous. I do love this lil berg tho. Will visit often!
This past weekend I forced myself to get dressed up and go out alone. Only place in town where you can meet a good blend of Gay and Straight people is The Manor. So far at least. I went had a couple drinks sat outside watching people as they came in and out. This youthful looking guy came towards me. I held my cellphone so I could see him over the top and still look to be playing a game on it. as he passed I turned and looked at his ass.. I had to what I saw coming was so yummy I had to see if it ended on a sweet note too!
Boy did it ever. I wiggled a little in my seat and settled in to play blendoku for another hour until the place closed. I felt a warm breath on my shoulder and one of the smoothest voices I have heard in a while tickled my ears.
"Mind if I sit with you beautiful?"
I literally looked around me and back at him "Yer talking to me?" I slid over and patted the leather seat next to me, "Well sure have a seat."
I was on the prowl I guess. I wasn't looking for any connections, or anyone to ever see again after that night. So i played all my "hook em and tie em up" cards. Playful, flirty, open, and forward. He leaned in after a moment and said,
"You know I love chubby girls." he turned on his phone and showed me some pictures. "I just love how soft they are"
Nothing happened. We walked around a bit and chatted, he came back and met my roommate Blueshirt, and kissed me goodbye,
Haven't heard from em since. I guess I stayed on track with that one hey? *laughs*
Then the next day I got a text from someone I met on Tagged. He asked me out for sushi and then stood me up. All the things that went thru my head. Like maybe he came and sat in the parking lot and once he saw me he decided I wasn't sexy enough, or chickened out. I poked em a lil for standing me up. Turns out his phone got stolen that night and he couldn't make it to me. So we gave it another try.
Rosie's bar in Wilton was the choice of venue this time. I went and sat waiting. He wasn't showing so I ordered a Appetizer. Treat myself I thought. Crab cakes. It felt good to know that even if he didn't show I could take care of this meal myself. And without making much of a dent in my budget.
As I sat there nibblin my crab cakes he texted me saying he went the wrong way. I tipped the ketchup bottle onto its side near my plate, the sign at Rosie's that ya are just away from the table but will return shortly. Stood outside so he could find the place. Rain, wind, and sandals. I didn't mind. I was, am proud of myself for where I am going in many aspects of my life. First time in a while.
When he pulled up and got out of the car I was a little intimidated. Very tall, well dressed, smelled amazing. Nervous, yeah a lil he was a handsome man black man, younger, and very smart. Once we started talking. It wasn't hard at all. He was easy to be around. I didn't feel out of place, I was in my skin, and I was confident. At first driving the conversation then some of the conversation took off. The right kind.
Religion, politics, GLBT community and a lot of aspirations. He asked me a toughie. My last heartbreak. At first I told him I wasn't ready yet to discuss the last one. I took a huge bite of my coconut shrimp and a sip of my gin and tonic laughing to myself how ironic it was the cocktail I was drinking during this particular line of questioning. I let the glass hit the table a lil hard and laughed.
"No you know I am ready." I laughed and reached out poking his hand. "I fell for someone who could never love me." I took another drink and sighed. "But it wasn't the worst heartbreak of the last year."
I told him a little about the divorce. How I met him and how it ended. then asked him the same question. Time for his buns to burn a little.
He told me a little, one sided energy exchange kind or relationship. We all have had them. You give all your energy to someone, who cannot or will not ever reciprocate enough to keep your levels at a healthy place. They Inevitably fail because one of the pair goes cold. You cannot give energy and not recharge, You end up with nothing to give and they walk away with it stuffed in their reserves for the next conquest.
We went back to where I am staying and sat on the back patio had a good smoke and went silent for a bit. Goofy glazed and just sitting with our heads bent back lookin up at the sky enjoying the sound of the water and wind thru the palm trees, giggling every once n a while at the randomness of the thoughts being expressed so comfortably.
"I just miss this," he said and looked at me. "Someone to just hang with, and to come down with after long days." His accent making his words seem a little more unreal.
"I know, me too." I turned and looked at him over my glasses and smiled "But everyone has their own idea of what that means. Right now for me its exactly what We are doing right now for the most part." I rolled slowly onto my left hip toward him and nudged em' a little. "I am not out here to play any games. I am not in a hurry, but I am also too old to waste my energy on anything that isn't even partly consistent. So I'm poking around to see what fits. Just keep that in mind."
He laughed and even it had a accent. This I had to laugh at. He pulled me over and wrapped his arms around me and sighed.
"It's good." He just stroked my hair.
I like this one, he is out of the norm for me physically but mentally seems to be almost spot on. We will see how it goes. Spending and taking our time. So much else going on.
He is on his way over tonight. Gonna truly curl up on the couch and watch a movie. No barriers, no expectations, no pressure.
Last night I spent a little time, since I had some to spare, with TheShocker, Mr Content and Farmer Bob. We drank a few and talked. Ironically I didn't talk all that much. Mr Greyer was, even tho he was gay, women do not speak over men. You let them finish. Then you are told you can speak. This didn't bother me too much. This night however i was challenging him. I reminded him, (thanks to some vodka and sprite) exactly what it is women were are and always will be to the world.
The Backbone.
For those of you who did not read my IMOM blog, TheShocker is a lawyer friend I met a few months ago. Hes become a very good friend. His neighbor, I'll call him, Mr,Content, be cause he repeats a lot he has NO troubles in his life right now. Bob, a 78 year old gay man who I have been helping out as kind of a personal assistant. See he was legally blind. He needed a spare set of eyes. He even interviewed me. When i approached him for the first time, I had to giggle.
HE was seated in his very stylish Walker/chair combo legs crossed and smoking a Full Flavor menthol Pall Mall. TheShocker and MrContent looked a lil' too serious for my tastes. Tho a look in TheShockers eye told me it was all in good fun.
"Lilith sit down, This is Mr Greyer, and he wants to interview you for the job." Already just a bit drunk I could tell and peering over his cigarette at me, tho you could tell he didn't see a whole lot.
"Oh, oh is this her? Oh yes my dear have a seat, I have some things to ask you and these two handsome boys," he said waving the same hand he was holding the cigarette between his fingers in their direction. "This is my Board of Directors, They will have to make the final decision."
I laughed and looked at TheShocker, he winked back at me and I knew what I had to do. I crossed my legs and folded my hands over my knees.
"Yes Sir? What do you want to know?
At first he was very serious.
"I will speak concisely and with meaning, I will speak exactly what Is needed no more, you do exactly as I tell you and we will work wonderfully." He lit another cigarette , only getting the flame close enough to the tip to start it smoking. The flame never touched.
"You see dear I am blind, I need someone to help me organize. To help me with correspondence and to help me get my bills paid sorted and filed away, how organized are you?"
I had to laugh at this question. I can organize very well. Gimme a day and I will organize the hell outta a space. I just have a hard time keeping it that way. That's exactly what I told him. He laughed and choked on his cigarette.
"Well at least she's honest" He said "Do you think you can handle that?"
"Absolutely!" I smiled and told him about my past exp in Home Care and Nursing home care. He smiled at me and went silent for a bit. TheShocker and MrContent cracked some jokes about being a Sexretary. Bob broke the silence with a sick laugh.
"Oh oh oh no wait, Let me speak without interruption," everyone went quiet. "Don't worry dear, I am gay as the day is long and you don't have the equipment, but I might have you drive me to a bar sometimes to pick me up a cutie." For me at this point, I knew he and I would be great friends. He was, for the short time I knew him, quite the perfect companion.
We Negotiated a wage and got to work. The next morning I came to find him sitting on the couch watching the news, and knocked on the door Jam.
"No! no no, what time is it dear? Exactly the time no rounding up."
"It's 7:23 am Captain."
"What time were you to be here?"
"8:00 am"
"Go outside I am not ready for you yet. Got to keep it on track, or the day just goes to hell."
So I went outside and smoked a cig, listening to some music and trolling Facebook on my phone.
He asked me what kind of music I liked as he felt around for the dials on his van stereo. "I love it all Captain." The radio came on Far too loud, his fingers poking around must have hit the volume up. it scared him to giggle fits.
"Do you have any on you?" he asked. SO I took out my phone and put the blue tooth to work. I have a song I play on repeat when I do my walking. I started that again recently and i am gonna do it more and more. But the song it has the perfect beat. Morphine - Early to Bed. Well its what played. At first i said ill find something better. He shook his head.
"No I like this, Who is this and do they have many records?" I laughed at "records" and said they had a few. He had me play a few, he liked a lot of em but in the end said most seemed so depressing. But there were 3 he requested regularly while on the road.
Morphine - Early to Bed
Morphine - You Look like Rain.
Morphine - French Fries with Pepper
He also often liked to listen to heavy club and house. Me and Farmer bob rolling around Lauderdale bobbin our heads to some rave music. It was the day's he liked classical playing, that i loved the most. For some reason when that music played he was calm and Cool. Music fueled his biggest personality trait, Passion.
He was passionate about many things. Politics, God (but not religion), Sex and flirting. He loved to help people, and he did so by having them help him. TheShocker told him I was trying to save some money. Get into my own place and on my feet. Hence I ended up working for him, in a way. Yes I organized and helped him blind friendly his home. Lil black dots just to the side of the button that puts 30 seconds on the cook time for every time you hit it. YAY now he can nuke his Wendy's Small Chilli with extra hot sauce!
HE was a man on the edge.. *chuckles*
Most of all he wanted the company. He didn't want to be alone. He had so much to share, old people sometimes talk a lot want to be heard. But, this is because there are all those years of Knowledge. Knowledge that he wishes he had at our ages. We all should stop and listen more often. Somehow people always stopped and listened. He commanded that kind of attention. No matter where we were. People always stopped and listened.
Well This morning I woke up and made my coffee. Goin to Delray, Bob needs his treatment and more than likely a lil Wendy's on the way home. Poured my coffee put that song on loop and started my morning trek to his house. It's a beautiful walk, I don't care how tired, grumpy, or depressed I could be. Taking that walk was enough to have me in chipper places inside!
He was slow moving, very much so. But he had been up very late with us. After a long nap in the early afternoon. Slow but moving! It needs to be said. This man never stopped moving. You gotta admire that.
I drove em out for his treatments, came home and made sure his house was unlocked. Door open so he could get inside. He sat out and listened to his car radio. I hugged him and told him I would be there bright and early tomorrow for his appointment. I walked home to start work in half hour.
I got through 2 calls. TheShocker called me over and over again. I was on the phone with customers. doing my Full time job. finally in a break I notice TheShocker sent me a text.
"He passed away"
I walked faster and harder than I ever walked that walk. Crying all the way there. When I turned the corner I saw a police car and as I came to the back of it I saw a yellow blanket over bob on the ground. That typical pull the cover over the head if it dies. I really cried for a bit after seeing that. Laying where I hugged him and went off to work.
Police asked me some questions. Kinda paced a lot. I wasn't sure how to process it. I really only knew the guy for a couple weeks. Just so wise. really truly wise. He got used tho, a lot because of it. Even he would say it.
"I get used I know it, but at least it put a smile on their face!"
I am angry tho, his body laid on the pavement for hours. Covered in a yellow blanket. We played his absolute favorite song as they bagged him up.
We must have listened to it 20 more times while we sat out at the table
I don't want to be alone tonight, i didn't. I have been for a while now. But tonight, I really wish I could have someone to talk to. For the first time in a while, I don't. No one. Good thing I have numbed out, or this would hurt a shit load more than it does.
He will be missed. HE is an inspiration and will be even now, in the memories and the stories people will share.
I chose a pic to post that reflects who Bob was. And who he will remain in the memories of everyone who came into contact with him.
Farmer Bob, he loves to laugh, and make people laugh!
Did they turn and look because I was pretty?
Or was I a Spectacle?
Was I a friend,
Or a distraction.
Did I earn your attention?
Or was it given out of pity?
Did I care enough?
Or too much?
Did I do anything,
Worth anything,
To you?
Did I let myself believe,
Was I lead to believe,
Naive enough to believe,
That a person's heart was worth more,
Than gold, or silver?
I have been told I am too honest
Dishonest,
Not able to handle real truth.
When truth be told,
I appreciate a painful truth
Much more than caressing lies.
There is no real answer to any of this.
just more questions.
So I stop asking them.
I simply,
Stop.
I am both sad and lighter today. It's an odd combination. Partly due to the gloomy weather I am sure. But also because my life has changed again in bitter sweet kinda way. People I once thought would never, what's the word? Hurt me, or be hurt by me, have in some way or form been so. Either they have completely floored me with how they seem to be able to see life, or how they see themselves.
I have been avoiding this particular blog entry. It's been seated in my head and heart for about 6 weeks now. Simmering slowly, painfully, and even has been a little cleansing. I am angry at so many people, myself included. It's amazing what fear will make people do. How they will treat people, and how much they so easily forget of their part in any situation, bad or good.
I plan on the practical means to acknowledge my part in situations right now. Through action and not words. By both giving of myself in an physical show of my apology in a situation, and in removing myself from any situations that see there is danger in further mishap concerning the negative in them. I do not talk about anything anymore. I just don't want to. Again, talk is cheep, actions is what insures rewards to reap.
I need to find a switch on my heart, maybe a dial. Install one if I find none exists. It's happened a bit naturally lately. It's pushed some new friends away. I dunno, however, how much that matters. I have been far to easy, far to open, and far to willing to help, please, and change my instinct and Stifle my voice, I got better but, I still kept my mouth shut far to often when I should have opened it. I also opened it when I should have kept it firmly shut.
I hate that i have a human heart.
I am also tired of feeling i cannot voice my opinion for fear of loosing a friend, lover, whatever. I oddly don't care anymore. There is far too much I am trying to make happen. For once all I can seem to focus on is, me.
Not that I am trying to hard to focus on anything else. I just haven't the energy. I never get a real return on it. So I end up empty anyway. Time to stock pile and not spend anymore of my resources on anything but my future and my well being. Emotional, mental, physical, and material. My reserves are empty.
I am trying not to feel abandoned. Tho it is what it feels like as far as some are concerned. But it actually happened over the past 3 months. I am really digging in hard to figure out any and all accountability I do have in the situations of the past. Why it is I end up being the satellite spinning around the edges. Only ever able to experience the Inside of that circle once and a while, and in the short term. Then I am flung back out into orbit. Never enough to keep close. Alone and trying to keep centered.
My thoughts make me laugh. If I heard someone talking like I was thinking a year ago, I would have simply called them bitter. I really don't feel bitter. I just feel as if I see things with a little less of a rose colored tint to my glasses. I see the world around me, I see my reflection in the mirror, I see my age on my drivers card.
I used to say I had given up on love, and for the most part I was just whining. Hurt and trying to make it stop. But right now, I am not hurting over the loss of friends and companions as of late. I am truly over it. My heart has been packed away. I know this because I have had a couple men recently who have showed interest and I went ice queen. I know I did it I felt it I saw it, they didn't deserve it. But they got it. Pure Ice Queen.
I just see clowns. Dancing around to music only they can hear. Music no one else will ever really understand. I will not put on any other face than my own anymore.
I am also tired of people who cannot even allow a person to have thier view or way of handling things without trying to make them feel dumb because they do not think like them. Just because someone can face something with a smile you could not yourself, does not mean they don't take it seriously. It just means they don't take to TOO seriously. What will happen will happen. Arm yourself with as much knowledge to survive it.
I will not get more beautiful
I will not grow any younger.
I just don't see love in the cards for me.
And Friendship will be very few and far between.
I just don't trust anymore.
So I focus on myself, 2 jobs, saving money. Getting my life up and running. I don't think I ever want anyone in this space again. I don't think I want to even be around people right now.
I am tired of growing to really like them
Then being tossed off to the side,
I guess its the realization I was simply and only a distraction for people. Or became little more than a scapegoat for their problems. I have no problem accepting my share of accountability. I will never again take all of it.
I will die before I let myself depend on anyone again. Either I got this. Or I am done.
I am struggling with life, I see no real joy in it. I keep going trying to find hope in every situation. I just haven't any of it left. I cannot even dream anymore. Hope, and wish? Right.
I ain't even gonna try and Name this entry until I am done. May end up without a name. I feel like I am vibrating all over my skin. Realizations, Understandings and so many other weird revelations. I feel as if I am caught in a rip tide. I am winning however, This stream will cause me to fail. That's all this is. A simple tributary feeding into something better down a bit, where the stream turns into a larger deeper and more balanced flow. That's what I have learned recently.
I am not wrong to seek Balance. I do realize I tend to try and balance too much. I also think, tho thinking in too much of extreme in either direction is a bad thing, that ya need to go to extremes sometimes. Snap yourself either way to keep the other plains all in alignment.
I am trying to settle without settling in. This is what has been going through my mind all day. Trying to be comfy enough to get my job done. Without settling in. Because I see several moves ahead of me. Ironically it's mostly my OWN shit in the way right now. Even what is technically "Other people's Shit" is only because I am "The Shit in their way". The Moral of the story?
We all end up shit on someones shoe.
It's not fair, or pleasant to realize this. But it also helps out a lot to figure out where exactly to give the most intense and well placed Fuck.
Or none at all..
We also find ourselves the apple of someone's eye, the adored, the adoring.
Everything in between.
Which is my point. So much color, so much variety, so many ways to see things. I cannot do the black and white thinking anymore. I also cannot swallow anything at face value. I do not believe it anymore, words. Actions, that is all I will accept as proof of what is said. Until the two jive, I believe nothing.
Or at least very little
Seems there has been a involuntary pruning of my Friends and Family tree. I have lost a few as of late, also some new growth has begun to sprout. I do not think these friends are gone for good. Just on Holiday. Right now I really don't have the time to worry or stress over things. Especially if I cannot control or change the past. So I will simply keep plugging along. After all that's what life is right?
Someone recently pointed something out to me, about me. I love a good mirror. He has pointed out to me I seem to be full of anger. In being shown this in me I am paying attention. Yes, I have a great deal of anger I am working through at this moment. Both old and new catalysts.
I am Human...
I have thrown myself out there again. The "Mating World" I have called it this before. In my Letters to my International Man of Mystery Blog. It's really all it is. We call it Dating to cover the fact it is all about meeting some primal and basal Need. Whether it be Companionship, or sex. Love is just a nice label we put on it to make it seem noble. When in actuality its all about the payoff. For most anyway.
It amazes me, more than just a little, how we get stuck in cycles. Those little circles that keep us stuck against their walls. Some centrifugal force that causes us to seek out the familiar, what we held for so long, in so many repeated decisions and mistakes, as the "norm". When the truth is, normal in relationships varies in so many degrees. As I said before, all the color, variety, and options in life. Why do we find ourselves either stuck in, or repeatedly pulled back after a long and trying climb out, to that ridiculous, environmentally, and emotionally ingrained rut?
Don't expect a answer from me, I have been trying to figure this out for, shit, 7 years now. It's utterly maddening. Sometimes the ruts change, not because we change much other than dents' bruises and scars not just on us, but those who we touch as well, I think it's us who changes. Our view if we let it. I think that's the key. I know it is.. Taking in every view, opening your mind to the new and different. Letting it soak in and make us different.
I am doing a lot of rambling right now. Mostly because I am working things out in my head. Assigning and accepting blame, learning not to blame myself or others completely for anything. Learning to forgive where it seems there should be none. Learning to forgive myself.
Anger... yeah yer right Dude. MMh Dude need a real name for this guy. Someone I met recently, who has, even if he don't know it, played far to many of his cards so soon. I am gonna give him the blog name *Drum Roll* ArchAngel. Mostly because when he gave me his name at the FF party I laughed to myself over the Arch Angel Michael belief the Jehovah's Witnesses had. How different it really was from most christian religions. And I thought about it. The Watchtower bible and tract Society make Jesus "Perfect Man" and simply a ransom. Not a god or deity as it were. Because they needed get one of the "Mediators" out of the way. The down Played Jesus a lot. Which always made me laugh.
So yes back to ArchAngel, showing cards blah blah;
So did I, part of the rut I get in. I will say it again, however, I think this is not a bad thing. Especially if you are a real person. Be real, be you, be proud of that, but be smart. There is no easy button in trying to find people to share life with. Friends, lovers, mates, all of them take serious patience and understanding. It takes really being willing to be open and honest. Be able to accept honesty and trust it. Be ready to sacrifice, sometimes we make it, sometimes we are it. Sometimes you get stuck really hard and it stings a while. But there is always those experiences where you get caressed so perfectly, all of the pain disappears.
Which are you right now and to whom of your "limbs" do you care the most for? Which are you stepping on to reach the next. And would you appreciate having them when things change and your world is, once again, changed?
Keep Seeking those Caressing moments. Always remember,The one constant is change.
Those are rare moments, so painfully infrequent. For some not so much. The society we live in however, makes it very hard to break through into that with people because most of the population is, in fact, I believe that each and every one of us are guilty of it to some degree. The offence? Being a little shallow, superficial, and judgmental.
"I am Not!!"
I hear ya saying it in yer head as you read this. Really? Is that what you call honest? Tisk Tisk.. if ya wanna claim honesty and deny this one, Maybe a look in a mirror will be a good thing. We all do it. We all chose not to see someone because they just didn't turn us on. Visually as well as mentally.
Tho, I think rejecting some one as a Mate or a friend based on their mentality or intellect is not so bad a thing to do. After all, that's whats left when the body no longer looks or functions as it once did. So if you're someone who needs that mind to connect with yours because yer smart enough to know that's where it Truly is at. Go right ahead, Make that decision. It's OK.
I am also fighting darkness, those questions we ask ourselves in moments of doubt. Is all this work work push push really worth the effort? Is it even worth looking for "Love" when its so obvious it is something that seems to have been lost to the wind somehow?
Is there really any reason for anything?
No, there isn't, and that another good point. No matter what happens today, there will be new born children tomorrow, a war will rage, a child will cry and one will laugh, people will claim to "Fall in Love" and out of it.
The sun will rise tomorrow. Whether we rise with it or not.
Well, if the last few days weren't a bit of a riot. I got angry, I got even, and I got my game on. Something new happened to me last night. Well not exactly new, but long overdue. I have been feeling really undesirable. I have been feeling very rejected and not in anyway feminine. I learned last night the problem wasn't simply those things I think are wrong with me.
It is also what was wrong with the people whose opinions I had been giving credence to. It was also with who I felt i should want that kind of Validation from.
I accepted an invitation to go with a guy I had been chatting to for almost 8 months to a Fetish Factory party in West Palm Beach. It was good to see him again. Always gave a warm and welcoming feeling. And always able to talk to him quite freely. He picked me up in his very cool Mercedes and drove me to west palm to the party.
My night. however began earlier that day. I had set up 2 meets. Some would call them First Dates. I would not. One for lunch at TeeJay's in Wilton Manors for sushi, the second, Same location but a dinner time run. Neither showed. oddly I was not at all upset about it. A mix of the recent weeks making me more able to deal with being rejected and the fact I am really just not expecting much from anyone in that regard anymore. I will make effort for a while then, I back off and let them make the effort.
I went shopping and got some food, then got ready for the Fetish Factory party. Thanks to my Friends, whom I have mentioned in my old blog as "The Shocker" and "Blue Shirt" I got the corset on and looked in the mirror.
I cried a lil, I didn't recognize the woman looking back at me. Thinner, more confident and sure of herself. I found myself not having to repeat the words in my head I had during my training with my Job.
"Chin up, arms relaxed and at your side, Don't figit with your clothes, and smile."
I was doing it naturally.
The Shocker wanted to go to the store. So I drove him. This was where I experienced something I haven't in a long time.
I turned heads.
ME. I had men watching me as I passed. Some nodding approvingly others smiling right at me and winking. I was ready to take on this event.
So about 9:30... He comes to get me. I will call him CS. The car was the first treat. A Mercedes. Beautiful car and purrs like a kitten. He ironically drives just like HisRoyalRascalness thankfully I learned how to sit without sliding around his car and this one was much smaller, and the seats much deeper. ( love it when a guy drives that way and can do it well)
When we got there, he and I stood having a smoke outside the car watching as people lined up to go in for the event. I confessed I was a lil nervous but not terribly. That it had been a while since I did something that tickled the social butterfly in me like this. I wasn't sure if I was gonna be too talkative.
"Somehow young lady" he said and lit my Cig. "I don't think you will have a problem with that"
No, no I didn't. Why I always seem to fall into a place of "Instant at Home" when around the fetish community I can't tell you. But I did last night. It was almost instantaneous. The people were as varied as the last event. Outfits made of Latex, leather, velvet, and even some completely made up of Electrical tape. The theme was "Red Light" When I asked CS what the dress code was he said
"Just look like a whore."
Done.
I talked to everyone. In the beginning there was a Bald man very sexy in a PVC Kilt who absolutely could not stop looking at me. Nodding when I looked his way, lifting his kilt to tease me with his unclothed package. A man dressed head to toe Cyber Erotic Latex. Who let me squeeze his shiny clad ass every time I walked by. Another who came in just a T Shirt and speedo who Silently followed me around all night every so often coming close and smelling my hair.
CS and I were companions but I watched as he walked about flirting and getting his own gropes and giving them as well. Then we were approached by a couple. A not so, how to not be mean, visually pleasing couple that once they opened their mouths they became less pleasing. But They were asking advice. The male (whose name I seem to have forgotten as well as his wives) was bitching that he can't even get a woman to kiss his wife. I was, by now, 3 tequila sunrises on the side of drunk and Without taking my eyes off him I pulled her to me by her collar and full on kissed her. Turned to him and said:
"Is that better? Feel better about that?"
He nodded and sheepishly they walked away.
I They came in and out of our space all night. But the best was yet to come. I did not ONCE that night feel a ounce of self consciousnesses, The only negative about my body for me that night was the fact the corset I was wearing was a bit to large. it worked. But occasionally I had to go to the bathroom to readjust it and put my tits back in place. One such time I was met at the door by a extremely sexy, towering man, Instantly out his dominant side out and I kinda couldn't help but be played with and play with this guy.
He put me up against the wall and drove his knee between my mine pushing my legs apart and me down onto his thigh. I almost Squealed! He had a vibrator in his pocket and he had me pressed against it. I rode his leg for a spell he kept me close and ran his nose and mouth along my neck, grabbed me by the hair forcing my head back as he did. It was so completely spontaneous and perfect, I came. Not a roaring orgasm. But I had one of them mellow nice lil releases that because of the intensity of the actual play, where we were, and the fact I didn't know him from Adam, made it just fucken perfect.
Yeah, I love the FF parties!
He told me to look for em. So I did. Whenever I went Inside and ran into him I was regaled in some way by him, it was quite amazing exp. But I kept most of my time with my host. CS, Or out side where we could have a Smoke and chat with some cool people too.
CS was the perfect gentleman, He spanked me quite nice at one point. People all round watching. I felt such a mix of emotions. Not a one, was insecurity. And let me tell you, It was nice.
Well there was one moment near the end of the night where I ended up Truly feeling quite dumb. But it was short lived and had nothing at all to do with the party at all.
later later. get to that later...
As I said CS was perfect We hung out and had a bit of play. He made me feel quite, comfy and positive about the night. Perfect gentleman, I do hope do do this again with him. If he will have me! He was encouraging and complimentary. I did not at any time ever think he was patronizing me. He seems a very level headed man. And I like that. I was able to express myself without any expectations from him save what it seems I did. I was open minded and respectful company.
I think O.o Not that he complained... He said I was a very easy person to be around. He even said I am quite "Girly". Not sure how to take that. Never saw myself as girly, But then I have been so heavy for so long in my life, with the weight loss I can cross my legs for the first time in my life. Kinda helps ya feel like a lady. He told me I was beautiful and treated me like a one. Was quite perfect. It made for the most perfect ending to the night for me. Exactly what was needed for. But I will get to that.
Later I took a couple who I had met earlier on, Names are not important, Ill call em Jim n Julie. HE is into foot worship, WAM and Wet look like I and we chatted some about that as he rubbed Julie's Feet. Julie was a bubbly outgoing and nice chick with a big smile to match her personality. I had to show her this guy with the vibrating thigh. HE was absolutely Gorgeous on top of it all. And I mean Superman Gorgeous. I was completely astounded he would even initiate playing with me. and when i took her over there to see him he gave her a ride too. Sorta.. He mentioned that he did a mean Dragon Fly Knot. I found myself saying the words.
"Show me" And he did.
I had forgotten what rope feels like on your skin. I love it, he slipped the first bit of rope around my shoulders and began Knotting me up. Arms tied to sides and behind me back of my hands against my ass. Once he was done with that he toyed with me. Ran the remaining bit of the rope between my legs and pulled it up and toward him and kissed me. Nibbling and scratching his teeth and mouth across my neck and ears, pulling my head back by my hair and tasting my neck. I love leg binding. And I wanna exp it again. He untied me and said to come find him later.
I walked away from that and to CS who had only just gotten my Message to come see me get tied up and fucked with. I knew he would like it. I was a little bit distracted after that but full of all kinds of awesome energy and still trembling at the reminder of rope and how good it can feel to be tied up. We schmoozed a bit. And then I realized, I didn't have my glasses. It took me and about 4 other people half hour to find them. I felt so dumb. A girl who asked me for a smoke I turned to her and said "Sure but only if ya promise to let me know if ya find some glasses laying round." Well not a songs leingth later she brought em to me. I was Elated! I was also ready to go. At that point i felt so tired and needed to sleep. I have been really pushing it the last 3 days. I needed to sleep, and CS was also ready to get the hell out of there and into a nice bed.
I had no idea how nice. Big four poster mattress so perfect. This was when he put the icing on the perfect night with a gentleman. He turned to me and asked if I wanted to sleep in the spare room OR sleep with him. I told him I wanted to cuddle, and gave a pout. And we did. That's it, I fell asleep with my head on his chest. Woke to his gentile snoring and went down stairs and made tea. Sat on his back porch and just went over pictures of the previous nights. Replaying the scenes from the night before and really trying NOT to attempt to double click my mouse and get caught doing it. I have done this at HisRoyalRascalness' house. He goes off to the bathroom and I make a quick diddle smelling him all over his bed then rolling over content with a night of sleep in another peaceful place for me.
He's never caught me, or at least hes not admitted he caught me or knew. but that was kinda the point.
I love my friends!
even when they piss me off.
He woke and laid out some things for me to use to shower with. And some baby powder for my after shower needs. *lol* I showered got myself dressed and went down stairs to find him watching ball on the TV.
"Are you hungry? Anyplace out your way good for breakfast?" I was starving. So we drove back toward Wilton Manors and right by a place I had been before. My last trip was the night I wrote about in Letter 17 Of my Intentional Man Of Mystery blog Entitled "Night Terrors". http://letterstomyimom.blogspot.com/2013/07/letter-17-night-terrors.html
The night HisRoyalRascalness about left this world on us. So going there was a bit odd. I had the eggs Benedict he had the usual Pancakes eggs bacon and hash. He dropped me off at home and gave me a big hug. Said we would have to do it again. I am hoping we will.
Now I get home. Tired and full of eggs. And I get a Text. It's was Mr Dragonfly. I dropped my phone when I realized it was him. I really didn't expect to hear or see him at all until the next fetish party. He wanted to play more last night. Said I should have invited him home with me. My internal responce? Wait wait you expect me to say "Nah. I don't want to be able to feel and watch yer hot ass tie me up and spank me on occasion, among other possible things."
OF COURSE I DO.
And I am going to! He is just Gorgeous. And he knows how to tease just fucken right
I have to say The weekend ended quite perfectly. A quick Sandwich Dinner with HisRoyalRascalness. The first time I stood before him and realized. My heart is detached. I don't love him like I did anymore. I had been such a fool. The truth was I was allowing his nature to make me feel inadequate. YEah dumb dumb. I care about him, hes trying some new shit in his world. And I truly do hope he accomplishes his goal. But I do not "Love" him like I did. I feel bad for him in some ways. He will always be a dear friend.
I kinda went on and on about my day he went on and on about some new shit in his life.
Felt back to normal and just right. He looked so good. And he is smiling. I'm glad to be seeing that again. He was also encouraging. Its been quite a few visits with him recently I have left feeling sad. I'm glad to be back to being calm around him again. And so very happy he is getting some of what he needs as well. When I checked my phone later that night at home. He had sent some Pictures from mine to his. He had been saying he wanted them. I didn't realize which ones he meant.
We ate and chatted and I came home early early to Sit about and scratch myself and fart a bit in peace and awesome comfort.
The only constant in life is change! Stay passionate my friends! Lilith )O(
I am fighting with everything I have not to fall into that spiral. You know the one, that path of thinking where you end up spinning downwards into a negative place that some never seem to return from. Others hang there for a while and climb back up to fight another day.
The past 2 months have been unreal. Good and bad, Positive and negative. I have been without money and food on regular basis. I had a meal yesterday and a couple before thanks to kindness from 2 of the friends i seem to have left. I am sick now. I cannot think straight I have a nasty infection now I am trying to fight. So much pain, I am dizzy and unsteady. I have been vomiting so much, I am drinking water to keep the dry heaves away. Working thru it. Glad to have the job I have Looking forward to that first pay check to get me something to eat since The food stamp office has still failed to deliver my EBT card, after almost 4 weeks of waiting, reissuing and repeated calls to them.
That first check was to be deposited last night into my account and it never came, I have been calling all over my Employers to get some answers and getting nothing but full mail boxes and more numbers to call from anyone who I did get to talk to.
Lets add some non financial shit to this pile.
How to begin, how to do this so as not to upset people more. I don't think that is possible. Especially when those who are upset are just Looking for a reason to be upset at anyone but who they should most be, themselves.
I am being asked to take the blame for 3 adults failing in a cohabitation venture. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am the one to blame. That unless I can acknowledge the damage i have done, that everyone else can see I have done. I am a fool. I have sat for days thinking about it. Stewing Hurt and appalled that anyone, any adult can actually believe that anyone else is completely to blame for their bad luck or decisions. I love this person with all of my heart. But i find myself wanting to say, "I will not take all the blame, there were 3 adults, I will, at most take 1/3 of it."
I do not want to loose any friendships. At the moment, however, I am loosing myself. My health, my mind, and my ability to even want to continue. Every step forward has been met with a knocked back 2.
I am clawing at that spiral pretty badly right now... Trying to stay at or near the rim. Yesterday was the last time I will ask for help. Yesterday was the last time I will even think to get support from anywhere.
I will figure it out on my own, or die trying. I don't know if anyone knows the pain of a UTI, The nausea and they constant discomfort. I have spent a majority of the past week crying. Looking with hope to this day, and then the thing that would have truly saved me. The money I have earned myself was not available and may not be until Monday. I have no idea what To do anymore. I have not felt such loneliness in so long. Oddly I am finding I prefer it.
After all, I have apparently, single handedly ruined one of my most valued friends life, relationship, and financial standing. I have not been able to feed myself regardless of working full time now for almost a month, and I have trying so hard to stay positive but am now in what seems like a stuck hard negative head space. I am tired of pushing this elephant up the stairs, the feeling that I wish it would just come free and crush me finally is too much to deny. Yet I keep grunting, at the least holding it in place if not budging it a bit. How long before its understandable and my arms give out?
I feel like all the friends, save for 2 maybe 3 have been lost to me due to some thinking, completely lacking in cognitive reasoning, has been shared and spread among the only friends I have made since I got down here. Somehow it is, however, oddly comforting. The less people I have in my circle, the less will be crushed when the elephant does comes smashing down on top of me. I find myself just wanting to push them all away. Live or die on my own, and not have to worry if I take anyone with me. Even if it is just emotionally for them.
I do not feel suitable for anyone, or anything. Least of all Myself. Even in the work I have done to get better. I know this is all just my Diabetes or at least a lot of it. Not eating enough/right, Out of meds. out of time. I have tried so hard to get it all right. Instead, every ledge I climb onto on this mountain I am climbing boasts a beast that knocks me back down to the next. I dunno how I can keep trying to climb.
I feel broken
Heart
soul
body
mind.
Not sure I want it fixed. Maybe smashed and swept up into a dust bin would be better. At least then I can no longer be a scapegoat, a burden, or a person most people seem to simply see as weak, and unnecessary. I cannot stand the thought of the couple of friends I do have left, pulling away.
I truly do not understand. Why i keep ending up in this place
I give without expectation of return
I respect those around me
I love with all my heart,
tho what is left of that is not enough for even me right now.
I retreat then, Until i make a break happen. See how that is said? UNTIL I MAKE A BREAK HAPPEN. UNTIL I MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN BETTER IN MY LIFE. No one else is to blame or to be lauded if and when I do, or don't. That is the adult and reasonable way to see things. Shit happens, if ya cant change it, move on if ya can than do it. Or Die as you try...
There are people who would laugh reading this title. My parents would be one. My ex husband is another. My ex mother in law too, after all I live in a fantasy land according to her. Expecting happy endings, wanting them. But reality is, it's not that I expected them, I wished, I hoped, and I allowed myself to dream.
Right now, and I am not saying this in a sad, depressed, or forlorn way, I am saying it in a "Ah Ha!" Kind of way. I do not like to dream, or wish, or hope anymore. Now add to this that I am simply doing as I wish. My whims, what I want, and asking for what I want, without being upset when I am denied or cannot attain those things I want.
I just work harder and/or smarter to attain them.
What I want has definitely changed in the past 2-3 years. Where I once believed unless I had lots of friends, a man, or a pet I could not be happy. Quality not quantity is the key. Balance as well in all things. It's been months but this week is the first time I was comfortable in my me time.
I feel like I deserve it now. Everyone does.
So it's early Sunday morning, I just returned from some chill time and good chatter with someone I have mentioned in another blog, His Royal Rascalness. We are watching this very interesting and cool series where they tell the story of major era's like the Roaring 20's Victorian era, Elizabethan Era, Roman Times, they give a good history. But they do it showcasing the food, and culinary norms of the time. It's informative, it's entertaining, humorous, and educational. Good conversation. Perfect, save for one thing, I wanted to be home. It was good to see him. Good to get away from the house where I work now as well as well as live, cabin fever! But I wanted my blanket my computer and some chill head time. No one in it, (head that is) no one around so I could scratch myself and fart if i wanted to without feeling embarrassed.
It was an odd feeling. I have found myself forcing social interaction. Even with my most trusted and adored friends. I just don't like people. Yes, I am a people, so sometimes I do not even like who and what I can be. I am trying to stop my "demands" in my head. I am trying to stop the "score card" mentality. Doing a good job I think. I never give and expect to get anything back. I give if and when and because I WANT TO. Not because I might get something out of it in the end. If I am asked, and I have it to give, it is given. Sometimes even if I have to cut what I have in half, I will still give it.
I have decided as well, I do not want a ass load of friends. I have about 5 right now, who mean the world to me. But that really is it.
It is a comfortable and manageable number.
I have tested another change in me to make sure it was not a temporary thing, or something I will not be able to keep up on. I have literally come to the place where people do not effect my happiness. What people say or do, or DON'T do as it were does not have any baring on my happiness. It's a nice thing.
I am missing something tho, something I find to be very important when it comes to being healthy on all levels, Spiritually, emotionally, and physically, Intimacy. People get this mixed up with sex and sensuality. Intimacy does snot have to include any arousal at all. A hug, can go a million miles to helping someone feel better. Sooth anxiety, and uplift a spirit. Same with cuddles and snuggles. Some have a hard time separating this from sex/sensuality.
I miss it, and hate that most everyone I would even consider sharing this kind of intimacy seems to think it has to or does include sex and all that it comes with. The feeling of letting yourself spill into someones arms and relax is the most settling antidepressant and anti anxiety fix there is. I am missing it. Either those who would be good "cuddle buddies" expect more than that from me. Or they think I expect more than that. Fucken assholes and assuming jerk offs. I say what I want, I won't beat around the bush.
I start my first normal schedule for work tomorrow. Noon to 9pm, Wednesdays and Sunday's off. Looking forward to the routine. Looking forward to making things work. Looking forward to my independence growing. The less I feel I need people the less I worry about what they think. It's nice, freeing and empowering.
Time to throw myself into some gaming. Skyrim needs their Dragonborn!
