Through His Eyes

  I have said it many times since Mojo and I have begun this trek together.  Seeing thru his eyes has been an amazing experience.  But up until now it has been me I have been seeing.  My heart,  body and mind through his eyes.  Now,  I am seeing America through his eyes.  It  has been one fuck of a roller coaster and it's only been one week.

  I saw it building,  slowly.   His eyes as big as saucers. I didn't understand really why.  Even tho the conversation was telling me what I knew already as the week passed.   Overwhelemed,  and not just because he was far from home.  But also because all of it was so big.   It started while on the back patio having a smoke.

"What is that Big Machine?  Air Condition?"  he asked and pointed to the 2 huge AC units across from us for the house next door.

"Yes,  I dunno why they have two tho,"  I said and his eyes got wide.  He just shook his head and said that it was rare to have AC in Amsterdam,  never mind so huge.   The houses alone were so large.  He just couldn't believe it.  It was dark outside the first night he was here.  So he didn't really see the size.

  Another thing that blew my mind.   This boy from Amsterdam.  Got lost fucked up on american pot.  AHAHAH it was perfect!

  I wasn't sure really what to expect,   other than what it is I saw on a webcam for the many months we spoke that way.   The smile I got when he saw me come on in the morning or roll over and smile into it when I woke,   The look on his face when mine twisted in orgasm with him in pleasure and pain because as time passes it hurt more to do it in that manner than we liked.  Because not having each other to hold on to during and after made it a sad moment more so in the end than a joyful one.  

  Add to this the fact it was my parents who drove me to the air port to meet him with only one simple request of the favor.

"Please try to show some restraint at least."

 No problem,  I can do that and I knew he could.  Respect is something I knew he had in spades.  He knew that there was a time for everything.   The drive to the airport was different,  I tried to hide my excitement but couldn't do it so well.  I suceeded in making my mom think I was scared.  I did have some fears but it wasn't what she thought,  Her mind went right for the idea he could be a serial killer.  For me,  it was;

What if he don't like what he sees?  Regardless of the fact he watched me take showers on webcam.  Seen me head to toe naked just about every day for months.   Seen my body in every important place up close and personal and I saw in his eyes he loved every inch.   

  What if he don't like America?  I mean what if the place utterly pisses him off like it does me sometimes?  What if he gets here and he cannot hack it here and wants to go back.  It might make it impossible for me to go with.  What if I don't want to?  What if I do?

  Before I walked out the door I felt the anxiety rising so I took a Xanex.  I rarely do,  but hell I took a guess and popped one of them.   Good thing too.  Half way to the airport I felt that wave of relax run over me and I sat back and the worries melted into the background and I focused on the reality of the moment.

Who was in the most anxious position here,  Me,  or Him?

Easy, he was in a whole new country.  Nothing was gonna be familiar.  The air, food, clothes, language, water, TV, plugs in the wall, homes, roads, cars, stores, stop lights, event the appliances in our kitchens are going to be different.  First few steps in this country he would meet my parents.  Have to spend a 45 minute drive in the car with them behaving with me with america wizzing by him in the dark.

 So I pulled myself together and got ready for the hour and half wait at the airport for his plane to come in because my father is the king of exaggerated punctuality with my mother who I knew would dodge too much conversation becuse she really wouldnt know what to say.   Part of her wanting to wish me well,  the other realizing my life has been one failed romance after another.  The other wanting to enjoy the excitement of a new love and the happiness i was feeling in it all.  In her true form she walked me to starbucks got us each a over priced crappy coffee and we sat half talking and half playing games on our cellphones.

  "I hope everything goes ok Snoo"  she said barely looking up from her phone.  Both of us a little upset by the fact his plane was delayed 15 minutes,  wanting this to be over for completely different reasons.

 "I am sure will be fine.  Interpool cleared him mom!"  She laughed and shook her head this time looking at me completely.  knowing i was being difficult and calling her on her worry he was in some way dangerous.

 She had seen him on skype before,  knew he was clean shaven and bald so when the time approached she walked with me to the gate he would come out of,  Every bald guy who came from the gate she would ask a little too loud.

"Lilith is that him!?"

  Finnaly after the 5th or 6th time I told her I would know my Mojo!  She was standing just behind me and to the left when I saw him and he saw me.  When it happened I heard her exhale really for the first time that evening and she sighed a little deeper than I expected.  Not quite a swoon but definitely a awww! 

 She saw and felt the look in our eyes and her body language changed.  When he reached out and took her hand to shake it and spoke.  She blushed!  My mother was taken aback by my cute lil dutch guy and my Father saw it.  He grinned and his head gave a shake like it did when he either just fucked with you,  was about to fuck with you or knew he could in the future over something you just did.  

  It was perfect,  and since then my mom and dad have actively been trying to help not just me,  but HIM as well get acclimated and find what it is that is needed to be here.  

  They see what I see.  They know now why it is I trusted enough to say

Come to me my Mojo,  I got you. 

  Once back to the house it was a short dance..  Wasn't long till we got the first fuck out of the way.  We had to,  So many months of cumming over the camera.  The past few weeks of tears after or just awkwardness and a week before him cumming of just not even being interested.  Knowing the real thing was so  close that the idea of masturbating on the camera was fucken stupid and not in any way appealing.   

  I have discovered a pattern.  In me that is,  I tend to like to take  a guy the first time.  I like to be on top.  I like to Take a ride for my first fuck with a man.  I wanna feel him under me.  I had many fantasies of being with Mojo every one of them was exactly the same.  I just fucken took him,  and that is how it was.   That time ad every time there after have not been simple and quick.  We have been anything but impatient lovers.  

  He has been shopping with me,  seen our supermarkets.   The different kinds have been explained. The big chains.  Wal Mart, the smaller ones,  different names for different places here we have Winn Dixi and Publix.  Then Places like Save A lot  and Dollar General,  Then Aldis and the like.   Explained to him why something that You would pay 5 dollars at Winn Dixi you would only pay 1.50 for at Aldi.  Surplus,  Scratch n' Dent,  so on so forth.    

 Again he Made comments about the size of things.   Helped me put away groceries.  I could see a little bit of something in him tho.  I assigned it to his excitement in being here.  I didn't pay any attention to it,  not really.   He picked up a magazine and we went outside.  It was a gun catalog.  Another thing he could not belive about america.  

"No have in Netherlands!  Not allowed!  So Many!"  He laughed and tossed the catalog on the couch beside him.  Next few days he had similar comments about the size of our stove and the fridge.   The ice maker and the general size of the home we were living in.  Americans really do not know how awesome the american cherry is.  They just whine about the pit.

  Well what I didn't know there was a bit of a zit growing under my Mojo's emotional skin.   Overwhelming more than he was saying things were.   Harming himself by not saying so it was.  Pop The emotional zit american Marijuana did.  Yeah,  America pot actually ripped my Dutch boy a new asshole.   But it also forced him to talk about things he needed to get out.  Ended up really helping him settle into his place here.

  He was fine smoking it the way I do.  A Little mixed in some tobacco.  But he hit a bong, a little too hard.   Then tried to learn a new 3 person pool game called cut throat in english.  Listen to me and Leanord shooting the shit in english.  He kinda went into turtle mode.   Found him in the bathroom.  Freaking out as if the walls were closing in.  So a combination of this last week of american over sized over indulgence,  homesickness,  too much pot,  and trying to follow me n Leanord learning a new game in a foreign language.  Yeah he went a lil paranoid on himself.  I wrapped my arms a round him and knew he needed what I needed the night I went to pick him up at the airport.  So I pulled out the bottle I hadn't touched since that night a week ago and handed him one.  Went to Leanord and told em what happened and he looked at me head cocked to the side as stoned as Mojo was and said.

"I got an Idea,  Lets go to the park!"  My jaw dropped.  Fucken Perfect!

So I loaded Mojo's ass into Rocky  (Leanord's car)  and we went to the beach and threw a Frisbee around for a while.  Was the perfect Idea.  He fessed up to Leanord and explained why he was feeling anxious.  Leanord understood completely.   I think Mojo made a friend.  Which is perfect.  They are,  after all, around the same age.

The first week has been full of discovery.  There has been no intrusion for me.  Only a warm settling a happy addition to my life as it grows into awesome.  I am so glad I took this leap,  or rather,  I let him take it.  I am glad he trusted me enough to.  So far our pegs are fitting perfect.  Even in the imperfections.

  

  

  Stay Open My Friends.

  Lilith

  )O(

***3 More Days** (rounding up)

   This is how it has been for us my Mojo.  At first just jaw dropping similarities that made us both back up a sec and go "No way".  This lasted  not even a day and we were checking each other's stats again making sure we had the right information.   Then we dug deeper.   Fears and expectations,  what we wanted from our lives and what we wanted IN them.  All the while exploring the sexual and sensual sides of each other in the best way possible in this venue.  Text and audio and video exchange.  Most of it being banter and tease.  What really can you accomplish in this venue?

More than you think,  and not nearly as much as is necessary.


  We have spent a lot of time together.  He has seen me in total fuck off mode.  Screaming at shit and people out loud when no one but him can hear.  Crying from my toes at nothing really.  He as seen me scared to death and in pain physically.  I have seen him in all but one of the same.  Until recently.
Pain changes people...

I cannot wait until all of the things I see in pictures is no longer in pictures but reality.   I watch him fall to sleep and he watches me sleep as he gets ready for work.

We kiss goodbye

Or hello!

I am done with the wait!!!

  I been asked many things when people ask about who he is and whats going on.  Most popular comes in many varieties.  

"Isn't that crazy?"

"You don't think that's a little crazy?"

"He could be a freak"

Yes it is

Yes he Could be

I am a little bit Crazy

He is a little bit Crazy

  So what?  He is a hard worker,  has respect.  A kind of respect you do not see here in the USA.   Sorry boys.  Different,  not better,  just different.   Why not go fer it?  So I am.   Three more days and I will be able to learn even move about this guy who has utterly blown me away and he hasn't even kissed me yet.

  Yep spending Thanks Giving alone again this year.  But Ironically,  I don't feel so alone.  I have had an amazing day of gaming till I couldn't see no more and most of all quite.  Peace and calm and some badly needed nesting.   Making space for someone,  making it comfy.   

  But not making myself crazy.  Yet....

Stay positive my friends!

Lilith

)O(

  

To my Ex JW Family: Let it be.

  I haven't spoken nearly as much as I have wanted to in the ex JW community online in a very long time.  I have watched the banter, same old thing.

  "We were wronged,  terrible things, they are evil."   I screamed it too out loud on YouTube.   Thinking bout linking a couple.   But I am still in a little fear my family may have seen some of them.  Also fear they have not.  I don't know.   They are the kind that would,  if found and no one has said anything would just not mention it.  Leave it to the wind.  I do not know.   But those of you who know me know.  I screamed at the top of my lungs for a long time on YouTube angry...  SO angry. They do it to same words.  They feel hurt,  they are evil.

After a while all it became is exactly what my husband called it.

 Emotional Masturbation;

   It wasn't getting me anywhere anymore personally,  I wasn't getting anymore anger out I was getting angrier.   I had to stop.  I believe it was a large part of  MY dagger in the heart of our marriage.   My obsession with the organization.

  I Let it go....  I sat packing my things.  Realizing my Marriage was over and it wasn't just my marriage I let go.   I let go of a lot of things.  They all seemed so utterly small and insignificant.  The whole experience reached in and adjusted the lens on my view on life so dramatically.  I saw things in bigger detail.  Or maybe in some cases less detail.  More focused on things closer too me.   It felt good.  I started to feel lighter.

  I moved on in life to Ft Lauderdale learned a couple more bumpy lessons in letting go and am settled, at least for now, in Tampa.  I say "And for now" because you just never know in life. Morpheous always said I just couldn't sit still.  Yeah, you're right and I am starting to think that's what keeps me looking not so 40.  It's when you stop moving.  That's when it creeps up on ya and gets you in the ass.

  Keep moving, keep learning those lessons,  and keep living.  The only other option is death,  and it's not that I am afraid of it.  I just ain't ready for it.  Starting a new life,  with a new guy in a leap of faith that my gut tells me is landing in the safe zone.

  Which leads me back to the whole point of this blog in a odd way.  It's a gut feeling,  same one I had when I realized the organization was a scam.  The Jehovah's Witnesses is just the unknowing salesmen of a publishing Corporation.   Certainty that I have found a truth in something that will set me free.

  Now I just read that and realized there will be several reactions would you like me to blow some minds cuz yeah,  let me step into the "Faithful Jehovah's Witness" head real fast.

  Extreme reaction?

  <Enter gasp squeak squeal or even scream here as a mouse moves quickly jerks or even almost or does fly off the table> Thoughts fly through their head, How do I open the history,  oh god if my wife/parents/sibling/roommate/friend sees this he will tell the elders and I could be disfellowshipped.  (like they found porn or something)

some might actually call their family member in to show them and comment on the horrible death apostate like me would experience at the hand of Jehovah's Angels at Armageddon.  The Falsehoods I am spreading.  

  To those of you who reacted that way and have continued reading.  No it's not,  and I am not gonna link you anything.  If you can read this and understand it you can Google enough to get what you need.   It's not bullshit.  Here I will give you this much.  Jehovah's Witnesses were aligned with the United Nations.  You know the one they talk all evil and bad about in Revelation.  So just copy "United Nations and Jehovah's Witnesses"

By all means...  Pass it on.


 I told my mother this one day and let it go was the same day I was doing the laundry and packing to leave the house my husband and I lived in.  I stopped talking to my mother about religion,  just life.  I stopped really talking about it for a while.  Moved to Ft Lauderdale and something odd happened.  I started to blossom.  I made friends,  social life soared,  a little to hard in many ways.  As is expected after a divorce and a rather sedentary  life.  Emotionally tho,  it was sorely needed.  My heath suffered,  but I continued to focus on me the lens got another adjustment.  I took another look around.  In the time I spent in Ft Lauderdale I was honest always with my mother.  Her with me.   When I had to leave Ft Lauderdale our relationship grew to the point that when I called her and said;

  "Mommy he hurt me."

  She knew I would not call and say that if it was emotional,  I can take a shit load of emotional.  The phone went quiet for a few seconds and our neighbor handed me a cigarette mumbling he would kick his ass if he ever saw it happen.  My mothers voice back on the phone in that short moment,

  "We will be in 48 hours"   I cried as she said  "I wish you would stop letting men in who hurt you. Just be with you Snoo.  Get packed."

  In that moment I looked back.  Truth is,  if it was ever truly dire,  They have always been there.  No questions always some stipulations.  Now as things are changing.  And they have changed as I have mentioned in my previous blogs.  The stipulations are not as..  Fanatical but more practical and to me much more acceptable.   ;D  I love rhymin' Werds!!!!

  Yes I still have some anger,  a lot of it.  I don't think it will ever go away.  But I now realize where the anger is directed.  I focused the beam and its intensity.  I refuse to burn it out.  I am goin' at it slowly.  But once it breaks through.  It will be the hottest I can be.   And at the right moment for me, and them.

  I Think my mother is having a crisis of conscience no joke,  Truly.   I see it,  I see her mind catching on things,  she goes to say something and she cant believe she is or did.  The cognitive dissonance is leaking out of her pours.  I refuse to poke it.  I am letting it happen.  I cannot unplug her myself.  Too long in,  the wires are worn and weak.  I am afraid it will cause system shutdown.  She has to on her own or not at all.  I am fine with that.  We have a good relationship now.   She  said she is happy to see me lay my yellow brick road as long as I am smiling as I lay the bricks.

I am covered in cement and gold flecks grinning like a lunatic.


  We as Ex JW's need to also let go of this thing that was planted in us as we grew up in the Organization.   The looking for perfection.  That there is or will be any such thing.  Let it go...
There will always be imperfection.  But that is the only reason the good is so fucken fantastic.

  I haven't felt real and true love..  In a very long time.   Not really,  I have in the emotional sense for a while now.   Soon it will be in my physical space and I am feeling completely and utterly scattered.  But organized!  It's so weird,  my mother actually did the mom thing today when she came over.  Walked thru looked at the place.

"Looks good,  looks good!  The boys helping ya?"  she asked

 She means the roommates Sheldon and,   shit..  Name name... Sheldon and, Fuck it, Leonard.   Told her they were and she nodded

"Good good"

So I am scattered,  but not lost!

You can have a relationship Most of you can.  It took years, a lot of Compromise.  Hell  we want them to let us be us..

Let them be them,  and they are Jehovah's Witnesses....

Stay Fair My Friends
Lilith
)O(

Marijuana, Veterans, Illegals, Where to begin?

  This has been my problem for weeks now.  Since my last blog entry I have been overloaded with things to share and rant about.   Rant...  not everything is or would have been a rant.   Much of it has been wonderful.  

 In fact,  most of it has inspired utter and complete awe.

 The title of this blog is what I have been asking myself every day when I open this template.

And it has been EVERY DAY.

Where do I Start??   My head has been filled with things.

Gonna just go with my thoughts.

  Florida being too stoned or Stupid to get to the poles and legalizing the one thing I have found that would take away all but one of the 8 pills I take daily. really pisses me off,  Marijuana.   The ones that make people like me who smoke it so she can actually walk without spilling her coffee all over the place look bad.  That was the reason you know?  My neighbors smoke it.  Everyone I know save for 2 or 3 people smoke it.   So,  either we got stoned and missed it,  OR Florida state voters really support the big corporation and spreading synthetic chemical use.  Personally I think it's more of a nice blend of both sprinkled with a bit of people not educating themselves and just believing everything they see on TV and the news.  One such person is one of my roommates.

   I have spent the better part of the last four weeks with no pain relief.  As a recap and information for anyone who is just catching up and do not know the back round.  I have had 4 surgeries in the last 2 years on my feet.  Worn shoes that keep my feet at an angle to leave pressure off the balls of my feet and on my heel.  Well I am well heeled now and can walk.  Due to the surgeries, however, I now deal with bone pain in my feet and joint pain in my ankles, left knee, and left hip.  I am sorry tell me to take Tylenol I will tell you to fuck off.  Trust me, I try.  Yeah it takes away the headache I get from all the stress the pain causes.   Cuz i don't bitch about it.  I keep it inside.  The tears,  the times I wanna yes "FUCK" every time i step and my toes want to stay curled but are forced to flatten out.  So 4 weeks with little or no relief the past 4 or 5 days has been hell after the kitchen over haul, car accident and my bed room empty and scrub down.

My roommate,  the one who does not like Pot,  I need a name...  I give anyone in my reality a name when I talk about them here.  IT keeps me in the clear on the "Law" side of things.  And its a fun way to fuck with em..  Name name name what is his name?  

  Oh for fuck sake.  Simple,  the dude from Big bang theory...  Sheldon.


Tho he is not completely "Sheldon"  he is in many personality type ways.    One such way is,  when he has his mind set on something it is improbable if not impossible to get him to see it any other way.
He hates pot, why or how he got this view is unimportant.   People get opinions in a plethora of ways.  The mark of intelligence is being able to see things from many views and realize yours is not the only one.  It's not necessarily the the only right one.  Hell, if ya look from other views you may just find it wasn't even the right one.

 I was telling Sheldon last night who has a real dislike for pot that it is a lot like my hate for religion at his age.  It took me learning about a lot of them.   Meeting a lot of people who practiced it Noting the different extremes.  The family who benefits from it and when they do it in moderation they are happy, tight, and in sync.   Then the family who Practices it regularly  in moderation and the kids enjoy it, it's not forced on anyone including the children.  Happy,  harmonious and Healthy.

 I looked him in the eye at this point spoke his name and made sure he looked up at me from the dishes I was actually surprised and grateful he was doing.  Even just for a moment.  

"Then you have the Fanatical family.  Probably the kind that gave you the bad idea if pot that you have right now.  The kind that over indulges.  The kind that will give up on family, friends, food, life and health just to put religion in the number one spot in their lives."

"I can see that he said"

"Everything in Moderation Sheldon.  Even Moderation"

I left him finishing the dishes and went to my room.  Pain free and feeling resolved in helping him open his mind to different ideals.  Understanding that in accepting peoples ideals as good does not mean they have to be his own or he has to join in.  Just see and surround himself with the good in things.  Reject the bad.   That it is not the things..  It's the abusers of those things that are bad.

To let go of the extreme....


  On the flip side,  and Sheldon if you are listening...   My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses.  You know the Fanatics they can be.  Well we used to be.  Yes me included.  You know I am not now.  But can you imagine the reaction when my mother found out I smoked pot.  After the surgeries, after all of the pain and time my mother has taken to see who I am and what I have become.  She sees the good it has done in my life.   I am not a "Stoner" she said.  I am not an abuser and she sees that.  So now she accepts and understands it is part of what she calls the "Yellow brick road" I am laying in my life.  One that is leading me to a happy and healthy place.  She sees me getting healthier and happier.  Not sicker and less stable.  So on the flip side.  If my once Fanatical Christian family can accept my use of this plant one that "God" gave us to use;

 

Then what the fuck?  Really?

  So Fuck you Florida.  Next Time.  Save the bongs, joints, and blunts for when it passes.  GO Vote then when it does, walk out on yer front porch,  light it up and offer to your neighbors.  Make some new friends.  Unite people who may have been afraid to ask before,  or maybe you suspected but were afraid to offer.  Let's start using what divided us to unite us.  

A plant.
Mother nature's Gift
)O(

What else?


  Vets;

 Yeah yer getting the shit end of a stick.  They fought their asses off for the freedom so many of us bitch about.   Many come back and find nothing but homelessness and poverty.  I sat at a place in Ft Lauderdale called "Healthcare for the Homeless"  A large percentage were Vets.  Of old wars and the new.  

  Personally, I think that anyone who goes and fights, risks their life in any way at the order of our gov't the gov't should automatically see to them for the rest of their life.   Not everything.   But Health care,  and housing in the very least.    There should not be so many homeless and starving vetrans.  I am sickened by the number i have met in the past 3 years of my life.

 Fuck if a kid can go off to war and does.  Enlists in the army and goes to boot camp.  Once he finishes that lil son of a bitch better be allowed to go to a bar and have a beer with his dad.   Veterans deserve a lot more respect than I have EVER seen them given.  Those who vow to serve any country in this way deserve respect and a little bit more than a thank you


Immigration;
 "  "Obama it's all yer fault."   "Vets before Illegals!"   "They don't belong here"   "Learn to speak English"   You know what.

Fuck off.

  Here's a lil wake up call;

How does that tomato on your salad taste?   The cabbage in your Cole slaw?    Maybe the Plastic forks you bought  for your picnic?  The hotel room nice n clean you slept in last night?  Like the fact that garbage got picked up?  

  Do you have any Idea the percentage of the work force that do all of that is Illeagals?  It's not just Mexicans.  That cute lil Chinese  girl you want to fuck?  The British guy you got a crush on at the office.  It's not just the Mexicans they are talking about.  Even then.  You wanna go pick them tomatoes?  Make them beds,  OH wait how bout the shit jobs they do that you prissy ass Americans just don't have to do thanks to them?  

How about this.   Most of those "illegals" speak more than 2 languages.   Yeah,  the countries they come from unlike our bigoted asshole selves are taught more than 2 languages.   3, 4 and 5 at times.  A great deal of them had a better education than we did before we graduated high school.  IT WAS REQUIRED.
   
   Even if given the citizenship Obama is offering they WILL CONTINUE TO DO THESE JOBS. Why?  Some will go to get higher education better our country.  Because unlike our ungrateful asses, they are Grateful to be here.  They don't bitch about the pits in this huge american cherry.  They savor the awesome.  I am also willing to bet they would fight to protect it just as quickly as we would even tho we bitch like whiny children.

Most of the people you would damn to homelessness after deportation worked just as hard at their life here as you do.  Harder in some cases because they live in fear that some ass hole might send them away from a country they love and would LOVE to be a citizen of.  But are barely making it.  Who would gladly pay the hundreds and in some cases thousands it would take to be a citizen.  

 How about the fact its the rich corporations that are coming before you?  Tax breaks for them and half of the food stamps cut for the poor...   Try going to the right place to get what you need.  Stop screaming in your dentists ear to fix your Diarrhea.   Shooting at people who are as hard off or more so than you to get what you need.  Aim higher,  work together.  Maybe that is a way we can use the things Obama is doing?  All he is doing is adding to the army of people who can make change.  People who will add to the voice of the little people.

Wake up.


Last but not least.  My Mojo.

 I haven't been blogging much about him or at all for 2 reasons.

1.  I have been spending all my time with,  preparing for, and spending time making plans with him for his arrival.

2.  I don't want to jinx it.

  Yeah every single person I have had feelings for friend or foe that I have spoken about in this blog to date I have lost to some degree.  I cannot handle that with this one.  Too much alike.  Too much a heart that sings in harmony with mine.   So I have been avoiding it some.  But we are down to the wire now.  He arrives in 9 days barring any unforeseen mishaps.   I am filled with joy, and anticipation.  Also nervous worry that we will be in for harder times than we know.  Always have worries like these tho.   When you plan and plan something.  No matter how bit or small.  The worry in the execution of these plans always happens in proportion to the importance and gravity of the plans made.

  I cannot wait to hold him and have him here with me.  I am starting to feel that warm tight tingle in my chest and neck.  The one you had when you were going on your first date.  You know...  the one you would surely have gone to the doctor worried you were ill if it wasn't for the fact you knew it was because HE was about to knock on the door.

  Soon my Mojo,

Stay open to The World My Friends
)O(
Lilith  

   

The Truth Game

  One of the most difficult things in a relationship.  Any kind be it friendship or Lovers is keeping communications open.   It can make or break even the strongest of bonds.  When I was a child I would spend lots of days at my cousins house in the country where I was born, or there about.  I learned to trust that real and good relationships and marriages could exists by watching them.   They knew what worked and hand it down to a science.   It was through them I learned the meaning and experienced emotional arousal,  and what I wanted from the man I could,  and would grow old with.

  They had a routine,  every night the same thing.  They would make tea and sit at the kitchen table talking not about bills or religion.  They talked about them their day happenings in the family.  Only ever positive.  Ending with them making love.  HE was so loving.  He told her often,  little touches as he passed her when the kids were around.  when he thought we weren't watching,  there was full on groping.    I fell in love with love through them.

 I have found the one who shown me why all others did not work out.  Why they were not meant for me.

Because I was waiting for him.

 The truth game

   My life since I have gotten divorced has had me on many "ships".   Friendships and lovers but I have always found few people are able to really understand the meaning of communication.  A Lesson I learned from my cousin and her husband.  It isn't gonna work unless both want it that way.

  Today is my Mojo's Birthday.  I hate that I cannot be there with him so we hang out on skype gaming.  It's what we do every day.  I in my mind wanted to do something different and just was struggling.  Even my roomate said I should do opposite of what we do normally!  It was Mojo that reminded me of a game i learned to play in the past few years.  The truth game.   It's simple really,  if you are in the same space.  Get a peice of paper and a pen and write at the top of the paper "TRUTH" and from there on out you take turns,  writing one truth on the paper.  It is an interesting game.  It's made me some life long friends.

  HE expressed a desire to talk more.  That we didn't enough.

The truth that lead to the truth game on Mojo's birthday

He was right,  we spend all our time gaming.  Together, yes but it still isn't talking, sharing or doing exactly what it is that I saw in my cousin's marriage.  We played the truth game for only a short time and the lines of communication opened.  Flood gates of truths.  Not about bills,  not about religion, but about US.  Some things I had been stewing about inside.  His desires for us to be together making it harder to sit and "be looking in" and do nothing more.   I was feeling the same.

  For those of you who question.  Who think the possibility of love happening in the way and place it is happening with me and Mojo.  I feel a great deal of pity for you and the peice of your heart that will never know the joy I have found not just in the relationships I have here in my own home town.  Friends and lovers of the past.  Those I have had in my physical space.   But in the friendships I have found and the Love I have finally realized I can have In people from thousands of miles away.


Stay open my friends
Lilith
)O(

Sirens' Songs of Doubt

   Everyone has an opinion.  Naysayers and well wishers alike.  Some give their opinions convert ways.  Giving no real opinion just manipulating their way into the mix with what they feel is expert and effective Prowess.    Reality is,  my mind is made up.  I am gonna take a good swing at a new life.  A different life.   A guy who adores me for all my good,  and can giggle at the negative or see thru it to the reasons for it.  

  I take all the real cautionary advice and put it in a easily accessible place in my mind and let it stew.  I do not disregard it if it is a legitimate thing to consider,  Examples?  Ok well if we are gonna discuss the positive lets hit the negative as well..


1.   What if we find ourselves utterly repulsed by one another once we meet in person.

      Well here's the thing,  Shocking info for all of you.  I threw all the doubt's out the window and have thrown My physical self out there to him in full and living color.  He knows how I look fully clothed and utterly naked.  Every angle every state every inch.   All that is left in that department is taste, smell and feel.   I am pretty confident in that area.   As far as him.   HE has done the same.   I love the look of each and every inch,  I cannot wait to get the rest;  Taste,  smell, feel.

2.  What about the distance from family and your friends?

   OK here is some powerful truth for you all.   My friends dumped me long ago.   Most of the people I would call friends right now I have not known long enough to worry about distance.   Communication in Emails and snail mail is just fine for both groups.    Family,  I love them but I have spent most of my time away from them,   As Callus as it may sound I will miss them but life as usual it would be.  And I have already made sure I can get back if it was utterly necessary for a while.   So All of that is fine.

3.  What if it doesn't work out.

  Isn't this always a question in any relationship we start?   Always a gamble not just with our life but our hearts and our happiness as well.   So really I can get home.   It's a reasonable gamble.  There is something in my gut tells me. however, I am right on track.


Every day that passes he does something else that blows my mind away.  My International Man Of Mystery once said I just needed to find a guy who appreciated me for the nurturer I am.

Guess what?

NAILED IT!


  Someone I want to talk in short about is Morph.  He released me the other day.  I wanted to talk about it here that day but needed to think first.   I wanted to make sure I expressed my opinions on the situation but did it in a respectful way.  I have a huge and amazing amount of respect for this man.   I dunno if he knows it,  but I do.  Like I told him when I saw him last.

HE will always be "Master" in my eyes.

Why?  He deserves the title.  Kind, patient, persistent, truthful, consistent and loving.  Commanding and dominating he takes what he wants when he wants it but he also gives so very much.  Balanced and wonderfully calming.   Why did he release me?

  The fact I was going to meet with and be with my Boy Mojo made him see me differently.   Means I was marked by another man,  I was not his alone.   I understand this,  I understand it would change his feelings for me.   I also hope and believe he understands I could not spend my life not looking for what it is I have wanted my whole life.   A good real love,  partner and friend.  Had he not been married.  Maybe it would be different.

I hope he won't be a stranger.

It would be a loss of an amazing presence and influence in my life.
TY Morph for being a part of my world, if it hadn't been for you,  softening that shell.  I could not have let my Mojo in.  I know that undoubtably makes it a little worse.  I hope it helps you to know you do and will make a difference for me.  I hope I did for you in some way.


I feel like there is so much more to say.  Things I want to say but am still walking on eggshells over.   I have some things in Ft Lauderdale I need to get.  A Passport and my Divorce Decree so I can finally put My married name to rest.  Get my Passport updated and get ready for New Years in Amsterdam.   Snags in retrieving them however.  I am hoping I can get some reasonable out of all this.  Will be nice to see some people and say good bye properly. Then again,  is it really something that is gonna be a positive experience?

Good with the bad,
Positive with the negative
The cherry with the pit!

Gotta take one with the other.
Life kinda forces ya to!

Stay True To You My Friends!
)o(
Lilith

No matter where you go, there you are!

  Yep, yer right,  this is a true and overstated fact.  Regardless of how hard my father wants to say it to me as a reason not to consider relocating,  I see it as just as good an argument to do it.  Maybe it isn't you entirely?  Maybe the people you are encountering are just not the type who see things the same as you.  Their views on things are just not the same on a wider scale than you realized.  Maybe an entirely different social and economical backdrop is exactly what is needed?  Maybe,  just maybe you gotta take you somewhere else entirely.  

  The more I look at the people I meld best with I find it is the European/UK types.  There is a different mentality,  a different view on things.   Everything from politics and religion to sex and drugs.  The views that I have experienced in America are very different from that of Europe/UK.  So why not take a peek at the very least?

  Well,  More than a peek. 

  Something about all of this is feeling very right.  Everything is done out of want not need.   At least not a need that is a sustaining need.  Life or death that is.    Without this being considered I would live on in my own just fine!  THAT is why it all feels very right.  In considering this I am not giving up any of that.  Again,  it feels very right.  I am gaining the most amazing and wonderful man who loves and adores me in such a way I have never felt.  I have never thought to deserve.  I have never dreamed to have.

 So again I ask.  Why Not?  Yeah,  I'm making that list.  The pro's and Con's.  Reality is tho, I am single and childless.   I have no responsibilities but my dog and myself.   Simple quarantine for him over there and hes with me again learning to bark in dutch if I decide to stay there.  WHY NOT!?!?!?!   

No reason,  SO I prepare.   Ready or not, here I come.

Stay flexible my friends

)O(

Lilith

Circular Muse effect!?!??! Wait... What?

  Odd to experience this,  great too!   We feed each other's creativity,  Muse Effect in a circular motion.   I felt it today,  the draw from me to his artistic side.  I lay in bed,  my web cam on my face and pillow only,   After last night,  long night out with people much younger than me.  I just wanted to relax in bed.   His voice in my ears and he watched me on camera as we spoke.  I did not see his face,  but I heard my effect on him..    Fingers feverishly flying over the keyboard.   Every so often I would nod off and come to hearing that sound.  One that would normally be annoying now like rain against a windowpane lulling me to sleep.    I could not see his face from my bed but a quick looks showed me a face full of passion, purpose,  and joy.    I looked into the camera as if his eyes and told him over and over how lucky I was to have found him.   To have a man with both intelligence, and Passion.  Strength and sensitivity.     How grateful I was to have him in my world.  How much I looked forward to actually feeling him close.

  After a dozy afternoon he sent me the following.   His words in his best and quite amazing english he made me smile,  giggle and feel so very a part of him.   I could feel it.  I felt him drawing from my dozy peaceful state   I felt him,  and his words showed he could feel me.

  From my Mojo:

I'm so hungry from your love
My sweet child
We tossed all morning
Now tossed me a salad
Something fresh
With tart and crunch to it.
Peel off and carefully
Tear some fresh purple-veined
Romaine
As i watch with sleepy sated eyes.
Next a small wedge of iceberg
Crisp and scrumptious.
I am still savoring your girlish taste.
In my mouth
And your face still flushed
Fresh for loving
I offer my round red cherry
Tomatoes
Bursting with juices and flavor
Suck one in your mouth
And taste the sweetness
My sweetest
Dark and meaty
Mushrooms
Bring mischief to your olive eyes
As you note their bulbous shape
And smooth flesh
I produce a long thick
Cucumber
That you can´t resist teasing with me
Noting a certain similarity as you lick it
Like you licked me
Just moment ago
Oh , here some big one for you, baby
Carrots
Whose length and girth
Fill your tiny hands
Cheese is in bottom tray
Baby
Bend over
And crumble  my cheese
With tender care
Big tasty chunks blue love
Now a sweet creamy
Vinaigrette
To get it all wet and slick
Croutons
For the crunch
Tuna
White meat
Tender flakes whose smell
Reminds me of
You darling Girl
Now come , baby
Come
Over here
And give it
To this hungry man.


  There was huge emotional exchange between us today.  We both feel it now as he listens to my fingers like raindrops on a windowpane.  His face making me smile and want him.   His breath and presence giving me fuel to continue this story for you all.    He looks tired but calm.  His eyes focused on something I wish I could see,   But he shows me what I need to.  What he sees when he looks through the window i open to him in my world.   The one he will step into November 18th,  the one he will touch and alter forever.


I love you Mojo.
I fell even harder for you today
your kindness,
your passion
your presence

Always proving your words true.
I can only Hope I can prove as such to you!
I adore you


Stay Open My Friends.
)O(
Lilith

No Words.

  There really aren't any to describe my joy in things right now.  I am watching my dutch boy sleep, grinning ear to ear and searching plane tickets for thanks Giving.  Yeah,  he's coming in November, gonna be here in my arms in 2 months time.   For one week,  then he will go home and return at Xmas through New Years, then I am going back with him for a while.   To see Amsterdam and get to Know him better.

THAT'S RIGHT LILITH IS GOING TO AMSTERDAM!

 I am so excited, first to finally smell my Mojo,  hug him, hold him,  and feel his reactions.   I need to know what can only be seen in smell,  taste and sound.  I need to know,  this is the oddest and most amazing experience I have had with a man in my life.   If this carries over into a physical space for us.  I am just gonna explode..

  There really are no words to describe it.  It's all new to me,  all of it.   He does everything I have been told time and again a man should do if he loves you,  and his eyes match his actions.  He adores me,  I see it in his eyes.   It burns a little, not in a bad way,  just overwhelmed.  Again,  no words.  It's all in his eyes.

There are other pictures,  but the content is for his eyes only.

This is a pic of me putting on the gift he got me for my B Day.  A Pure Silver pendent says "Little Devil"  Initials on the back.

 In his voice,  in his eyes when I answered Skype this morning and I saw him as the 10 year old little boy who had lost his mom in the store and was half embarrassed he had been crying.   He couldn't get his net to work and he thought he was gonna go another day of us not seeing each other.  It poked the mother in me very hard.  I fell a lil more for him.   He is Passionate and sensitive,  but strong and commanding when he needs to be.   He has balanced unbalance down to a science.   It's almost as if some of our slots were made for each other's pegs.  I can't wait to see how many more fit!

  He has been snapping pics of me in Skype,  at first being sneaky about it.  (Tisk Tisk)   But once I saw the pics,  I cried.   I saw the way he saw me.   I could not believe my eyes.  I did not recognize the woman in some of the photos.   I simply cannot wait to wrap my arms around him.  To thank him for all the wonderful things he has both awoke in me and proven me wrong in.

Thank you for proving me wrong,  thank you for showing me the amazing male that exists out there.  Thank you for finding me worthy to have you.  I love you My Mojo,  with all my heart. 

 There is so much exciting to come for me.  I really do feel like life has just begun again.   I am moved beyond words.  So there are few in this blog entry.  

I sit in awe,  watching him sleep,  knowing he will wake me up in the morning having watched me sleep for a spell.  I cannot wait until our arms are wrapped around each other as we slumber.

A Kiss goodnight,,

My Mojo

My Dirty Boy

My Future,

My Man.

My King.

My Luis

I Love you.

Never give up on Love my Friends!

)O(

Lilith

  

  

  

The Big 4-0!

Well now when I was very young this day seemed so far away.   My mom was 40,  my aunts were 40.   Surely it would be forever before I would see 40.....

 Here I am,  looking at the second half of my life going.

"Wow,  OK  all down hill from here right?"


  I really hope not,  I hope there are as many ups and downs,  as many challenges ahead of me as there were behind.  Without them I think I would have been bored and killed myself years ago.  It's the challenges and the fight that makes life worth living.   I have seen a saying the last couple days I have not seen before now.

  "I thought life was just for living"

  Maybe I just never saw it?  But I feel this.  Live it,  don't worry so much about the why's.   Just enjoy!   My Birthday was actually yesterday.  Quiet day cleaning and prepping for today.   Feels just a little lame to me but not completely that I am planning and throwing my own B day party.  (technically also my roommates party so not a total ego trip)    But if you know me I love to entertain,  to cook and host parties is a great deal of fun for me.  So let's call it MY GIFT TO ME.


  Today the house will be filled with so many people.  Ages ranging from 20 to 70.   Hippies to college kids.   It will be an interesting mix of personalities.  For a people watcher like me,  that is gonna be fun,  There is only one problem.  There are people who won't  be here,  I wish so desperately were.

 Those people will be here in spirit tho,  and even same via web cam and skype to see the party and interact with guests and myself.  

  OK Level with ya.  Stopped writing there.   I got ready to have those people come into this home and have a good time.   I had no negative energy at all in the preparation,  I felt good In the tasks I had to do and got them done.  The house looked amazing.   I felt amazing.  40?  Pfft.  Whatever.  Just getting started.

 

2 Huge pans of Eggplant Lasagna

  I felt ready for anything.   Just about everything is what I got.   ages 20-70 the people who came to both wish me a happy birthday and to meet for the first time.   All of which showed a great deal of respect for me and for the home.   The people I have met since I moved to Tampa has been the best kind.   A little of this and a little of that.    Good and bad some great people.  The picture is bad,  but it's the best I could do.  I will get more of these awesome people as time goes on.   

Beer for Breakfast.

  Yep most of the people from the party crashed.  All the blankets I had plus an outdoor couch as a bed all were accommodated.   I even found a couple in the Garage on cardboard just happy to have a place out of the rain.   Once we all awoke and were mobile,  for some of these guys that meant some beer and pot before they were ready to be alive.   For me,  a cup of coffee and a bong rip works just fine.   

  Because OH THE HANGOVER.

Yeah it had been a long time since I drank like that.   But I didn't drink to the point the night was a blur.  I remembered each and every encounter.  I remember finding amazement in people I had no clue even noticed a damn thing about me.  Some showed me a little more of them than I would have asked for.   But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I am grateful for everything given.  One of the older hippies gave me a special Gift for my Birthday.  One of his "CD's"  this means a CD of the music HE mixed.  HE made and he gave it to me with so much joy.   I did not understand the reaction in him about the gift until later.   

"No way?  Calvin gave you one of his CD's?  Calvin never gives away his CD's."   

  It WAS special.  It was a piece of him.  And just now as I write this Just realized.  I should listen to it...  Cute,  It's perfect for bumpers and intro's for my hobby!   I DJ (sort of)  In a online community called Second Life.   Supplement my income a bit.  It's enough to keep me in some extras.    And this Cd he gave me is perfect for some stuff I wanna do!

  All in all one of the coolest Birthday's I have ever had.  Breakfast the next day was a treat by the center gentleman in the picture above.   The reaction in the waitress when the guys asked for beer at 9 am was priceless..   

  I received so many wonderful gifts of different Kinds.  People In the online community I am part of some know I do what I do there to supplement my income.  Keep life just a little bit sweeter.  I received gifts of money as well as gifts of adoration.  I received a gift from Morpheous within the community that made me feel, as he always does,  like a lady.  A Beautiful dress to add to my "softer kinder" side wardrobe.   He has been with the most amazing skill helping me see her a bit more.  The lady,  softer side of me.   Not just saying I am letting someone in but actually doing it.   Letting down some walls that really do not need to be there.  

He knows time and patience is the way to make it happen.   He is keeping his word in everything he does.   I am overwhelmed by him.  Add to that My Mojo's gifts.  Not just of things but of him.  His honesty,  his tears and his sharing.  His fearless expression in places most men do not or cannot show.  A Man who can shed tears with a woman instead of trying to fix what is causing them.  Allowing for that moment of emotion.  I fell a little more in love with him when he did that.    A Necklace that is on the way to me from him.   Not to mention,  for the first time ever and for real.  Someone made the whole day about me,  and did it not because they felt obligated to.    Every Smile,  every giggle,  ever flushed cheek and every contented sigh I made made his smile wider.  

HE did it because it was his desire.  His want was to make me smile,  to make my Birthday the best he could.  To add only joy,  smiles, and warmth to it.    I search his eyes,  I pay attention to his voice when he says things.  I watch his lip tremble when he is saying something that is a deep and important emotion him No matter how i look,  I cannot find any sign he is not being honest.  

The way he sees me blows my mind.  To see myself thru both of their eyes is shaking me to my core.

I don't think I can ever express to them how much so

I got my eyes set on this one.

I will not stop until I can smell him.

Until I can Taste him

Until I know every inch of him.

It's like that with Morpheous too.  He says he is very fond of me.  I can almost hear the giggle in his voice when he does say it.  Or similar things.   I almost think it messes with his head a little.  As crass as I can be.  As foul mouthed and lacking in grace.   He cannot help himself.  But I believe,  correct me if I am wrong,  he sees the lady and wants to make her pop to front more.  To be honest I do to, and some how he really effects me in such a way I want to make him proud of me.   I wan't him to smile at who I am and who I am becoming.   I feel overwhelmed by it all in the best possible way.  I keep saying it over and over again.

I feel so blessed in my world right now,  there are no words to explain,  only emotions.  

   

I feel I do not deserve so much of this.  I cannot stop soaking it in.  Feels like water to a parched soul.  Real adoration in-spite of every negative I throw,  total adoration.  I love them both for it.   It humbles me,  both of them.  Each in their own way.  


  So My 40's started with an amazing bang.  I feel as if I really am about to embark on an even better stage in life.  So many have said to me life really just starts in your 40's.  I am already starting to believe it!

Never give up on love my friends!
)O(
Lilith