The Big 4-0!

Well now when I was very young this day seemed so far away.   My mom was 40,  my aunts were 40.   Surely it would be forever before I would see 40.....

 Here I am,  looking at the second half of my life going.

"Wow,  OK  all down hill from here right?"


  I really hope not,  I hope there are as many ups and downs,  as many challenges ahead of me as there were behind.  Without them I think I would have been bored and killed myself years ago.  It's the challenges and the fight that makes life worth living.   I have seen a saying the last couple days I have not seen before now.

  "I thought life was just for living"

  Maybe I just never saw it?  But I feel this.  Live it,  don't worry so much about the why's.   Just enjoy!   My Birthday was actually yesterday.  Quiet day cleaning and prepping for today.   Feels just a little lame to me but not completely that I am planning and throwing my own B day party.  (technically also my roommates party so not a total ego trip)    But if you know me I love to entertain,  to cook and host parties is a great deal of fun for me.  So let's call it MY GIFT TO ME.


  Today the house will be filled with so many people.  Ages ranging from 20 to 70.   Hippies to college kids.   It will be an interesting mix of personalities.  For a people watcher like me,  that is gonna be fun,  There is only one problem.  There are people who won't  be here,  I wish so desperately were.

 Those people will be here in spirit tho,  and even same via web cam and skype to see the party and interact with guests and myself.  

  OK Level with ya.  Stopped writing there.   I got ready to have those people come into this home and have a good time.   I had no negative energy at all in the preparation,  I felt good In the tasks I had to do and got them done.  The house looked amazing.   I felt amazing.  40?  Pfft.  Whatever.  Just getting started.

 

2 Huge pans of Eggplant Lasagna

  I felt ready for anything.   Just about everything is what I got.   ages 20-70 the people who came to both wish me a happy birthday and to meet for the first time.   All of which showed a great deal of respect for me and for the home.   The people I have met since I moved to Tampa has been the best kind.   A little of this and a little of that.    Good and bad some great people.  The picture is bad,  but it's the best I could do.  I will get more of these awesome people as time goes on.   

Beer for Breakfast.

  Yep most of the people from the party crashed.  All the blankets I had plus an outdoor couch as a bed all were accommodated.   I even found a couple in the Garage on cardboard just happy to have a place out of the rain.   Once we all awoke and were mobile,  for some of these guys that meant some beer and pot before they were ready to be alive.   For me,  a cup of coffee and a bong rip works just fine.   

  Because OH THE HANGOVER.

Yeah it had been a long time since I drank like that.   But I didn't drink to the point the night was a blur.  I remembered each and every encounter.  I remember finding amazement in people I had no clue even noticed a damn thing about me.  Some showed me a little more of them than I would have asked for.   But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I am grateful for everything given.  One of the older hippies gave me a special Gift for my Birthday.  One of his "CD's"  this means a CD of the music HE mixed.  HE made and he gave it to me with so much joy.   I did not understand the reaction in him about the gift until later.   

"No way?  Calvin gave you one of his CD's?  Calvin never gives away his CD's."   

  It WAS special.  It was a piece of him.  And just now as I write this Just realized.  I should listen to it...  Cute,  It's perfect for bumpers and intro's for my hobby!   I DJ (sort of)  In a online community called Second Life.   Supplement my income a bit.  It's enough to keep me in some extras.    And this Cd he gave me is perfect for some stuff I wanna do!

  All in all one of the coolest Birthday's I have ever had.  Breakfast the next day was a treat by the center gentleman in the picture above.   The reaction in the waitress when the guys asked for beer at 9 am was priceless..   

  I received so many wonderful gifts of different Kinds.  People In the online community I am part of some know I do what I do there to supplement my income.  Keep life just a little bit sweeter.  I received gifts of money as well as gifts of adoration.  I received a gift from Morpheous within the community that made me feel, as he always does,  like a lady.  A Beautiful dress to add to my "softer kinder" side wardrobe.   He has been with the most amazing skill helping me see her a bit more.  The lady,  softer side of me.   Not just saying I am letting someone in but actually doing it.   Letting down some walls that really do not need to be there.  

He knows time and patience is the way to make it happen.   He is keeping his word in everything he does.   I am overwhelmed by him.  Add to that My Mojo's gifts.  Not just of things but of him.  His honesty,  his tears and his sharing.  His fearless expression in places most men do not or cannot show.  A Man who can shed tears with a woman instead of trying to fix what is causing them.  Allowing for that moment of emotion.  I fell a little more in love with him when he did that.    A Necklace that is on the way to me from him.   Not to mention,  for the first time ever and for real.  Someone made the whole day about me,  and did it not because they felt obligated to.    Every Smile,  every giggle,  ever flushed cheek and every contented sigh I made made his smile wider.  

HE did it because it was his desire.  His want was to make me smile,  to make my Birthday the best he could.  To add only joy,  smiles, and warmth to it.    I search his eyes,  I pay attention to his voice when he says things.  I watch his lip tremble when he is saying something that is a deep and important emotion him No matter how i look,  I cannot find any sign he is not being honest.  

The way he sees me blows my mind.  To see myself thru both of their eyes is shaking me to my core.

I don't think I can ever express to them how much so

I got my eyes set on this one.

I will not stop until I can smell him.

Until I can Taste him

Until I know every inch of him.

It's like that with Morpheous too.  He says he is very fond of me.  I can almost hear the giggle in his voice when he does say it.  Or similar things.   I almost think it messes with his head a little.  As crass as I can be.  As foul mouthed and lacking in grace.   He cannot help himself.  But I believe,  correct me if I am wrong,  he sees the lady and wants to make her pop to front more.  To be honest I do to, and some how he really effects me in such a way I want to make him proud of me.   I wan't him to smile at who I am and who I am becoming.   I feel overwhelmed by it all in the best possible way.  I keep saying it over and over again.

I feel so blessed in my world right now,  there are no words to explain,  only emotions.  

   

I feel I do not deserve so much of this.  I cannot stop soaking it in.  Feels like water to a parched soul.  Real adoration in-spite of every negative I throw,  total adoration.  I love them both for it.   It humbles me,  both of them.  Each in their own way.  


  So My 40's started with an amazing bang.  I feel as if I really am about to embark on an even better stage in life.  So many have said to me life really just starts in your 40's.  I am already starting to believe it!

Never give up on love my friends!
)O(
Lilith