I haven't spoken nearly as much as I have wanted to in the ex JW community online in a very long time. I have watched the banter, same old thing.
"We were wronged, terrible things, they are evil." I screamed it too out loud on YouTube. Thinking bout linking a couple. But I am still in a little fear my family may have seen some of them. Also fear they have not. I don't know. They are the kind that would, if found and no one has said anything would just not mention it. Leave it to the wind. I do not know. But those of you who know me know. I screamed at the top of my lungs for a long time on YouTube angry... SO angry. They do it to same words. They feel hurt, they are evil.
After a while all it became is exactly what my husband called it.
Emotional Masturbation;
It wasn't getting me anywhere anymore personally, I wasn't getting anymore anger out I was getting angrier. I had to stop. I believe it was a large part of MY dagger in the heart of our marriage. My obsession with the organization.
I Let it go.... I sat packing my things. Realizing my Marriage was over and it wasn't just my marriage I let go. I let go of a lot of things. They all seemed so utterly small and insignificant. The whole experience reached in and adjusted the lens on my view on life so dramatically. I saw things in bigger detail. Or maybe in some cases less detail. More focused on things closer too me. It felt good. I started to feel lighter.
I moved on in life to Ft Lauderdale learned a couple more bumpy lessons in letting go and am settled, at least for now, in Tampa. I say "And for now" because you just never know in life. Morpheous always said I just couldn't sit still. Yeah, you're right and I am starting to think that's what keeps me looking not so 40. It's when you stop moving. That's when it creeps up on ya and gets you in the ass.
Keep moving, keep learning those lessons, and keep living. The only other option is death, and it's not that I am afraid of it. I just ain't ready for it. Starting a new life, with a new guy in a leap of faith that my gut tells me is landing in the safe zone.
Which leads me back to the whole point of this blog in a odd way. It's a gut feeling, same one I had when I realized the organization was a scam. The Jehovah's Witnesses is just the unknowing salesmen of a publishing Corporation. Certainty that I have found a truth in something that will set me free.
Now I just read that and realized there will be several reactions would you like me to blow some minds cuz yeah, let me step into the "Faithful Jehovah's Witness" head real fast.
Extreme reaction?
<Enter gasp squeak squeal or even scream here as a mouse moves quickly jerks or even almost or does fly off the table> Thoughts fly through their head, How do I open the history, oh god if my wife/parents/sibling/roommate/friend sees this he will tell the elders and I could be disfellowshipped. (like they found porn or something)
some might actually call their family member in to show them and comment on the horrible death apostate like me would experience at the hand of Jehovah's Angels at Armageddon. The Falsehoods I am spreading.
To those of you who reacted that way and have continued reading. No it's not, and I am not gonna link you anything. If you can read this and understand it you can Google enough to get what you need. It's not bullshit. Here I will give you this much. Jehovah's Witnesses were aligned with the United Nations. You know the one they talk all evil and bad about in Revelation. So just copy "United Nations and Jehovah's Witnesses"
By all means... Pass it on.
I told my mother this one day and let it go was the same day I was doing the laundry and packing to leave the house my husband and I lived in. I stopped talking to my mother about religion, just life. I stopped really talking about it for a while. Moved to Ft Lauderdale and something odd happened. I started to blossom. I made friends, social life soared, a little to hard in many ways. As is expected after a divorce and a rather sedentary life. Emotionally tho, it was sorely needed. My heath suffered, but I continued to focus on me the lens got another adjustment. I took another look around. In the time I spent in Ft Lauderdale I was honest always with my mother. Her with me. When I had to leave Ft Lauderdale our relationship grew to the point that when I called her and said;
"Mommy he hurt me."
She knew I would not call and say that if it was emotional, I can take a shit load of emotional. The phone went quiet for a few seconds and our neighbor handed me a cigarette mumbling he would kick his ass if he ever saw it happen. My mothers voice back on the phone in that short moment,
"We will be in 48 hours" I cried as she said "I wish you would stop letting men in who hurt you. Just be with you Snoo. Get packed."
In that moment I looked back. Truth is, if it was ever truly dire, They have always been there. No questions always some stipulations. Now as things are changing. And they have changed as I have mentioned in my previous blogs. The stipulations are not as.. Fanatical but more practical and to me much more acceptable. ;D I love rhymin' Werds!!!!
Yes I still have some anger, a lot of it. I don't think it will ever go away. But I now realize where the anger is directed. I focused the beam and its intensity. I refuse to burn it out. I am goin' at it slowly. But once it breaks through. It will be the hottest I can be. And at the right moment for me, and them.
I Think my mother is having a crisis of conscience no joke, Truly. I see it, I see her mind catching on things, she goes to say something and she cant believe she is or did. The cognitive dissonance is leaking out of her pours. I refuse to poke it. I am letting it happen. I cannot unplug her myself. Too long in, the wires are worn and weak. I am afraid it will cause system shutdown. She has to on her own or not at all. I am fine with that. We have a good relationship now. She said she is happy to see me lay my yellow brick road as long as I am smiling as I lay the bricks.
I am covered in cement and gold flecks grinning like a lunatic.
We as Ex JW's need to also let go of this thing that was planted in us as we grew up in the Organization. The looking for perfection. That there is or will be any such thing. Let it go...
There will always be imperfection. But that is the only reason the good is so fucken fantastic.
I haven't felt real and true love.. In a very long time. Not really, I have in the emotional sense for a while now. Soon it will be in my physical space and I am feeling completely and utterly scattered. But organized! It's so weird, my mother actually did the mom thing today when she came over. Walked thru looked at the place.
"Looks good, looks good! The boys helping ya?" she asked
She means the roommates Sheldon and, shit.. Name name... Sheldon and, Fuck it, Leonard. Told her they were and she nodded
"Good good"
So I am scattered, but not lost!
You can have a relationship Most of you can. It took years, a lot of Compromise. Hell we want them to let us be us..
Let them be them, and they are Jehovah's Witnesses....
Stay Fair My Friends
Lilith
)O(
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