MIA

 Yall are right,  pathetic..  Yer right Pathetic.   40 years old.  Sleepin on a couch,  trying my hardest.  Failing again,

Congratulations you were right.


 Gonna be MIA a while.  Getting some things taken care of.  


Merry Fucking Xmas.

)O(

Lilith

Nevermind,

  I never once turned you away,
but never mind.
  I always had your back,
but never mind.
  I kept my word and wouldn't let you hide
but never mind.
  I always wished only the best for you
but never mind.

  I love our friendship
but never mind.
  I love watching you grow and change
but never mind.
  I adore your talents,
but never mind.
  I always defended your stand.
but never mind

  I miss you and the things we shared
but never mind
  I still wish you well in all things
but never mind
  I never thought you would underestimate me.
but never mind.
  I never thought you would treat me as a enemy
but never mind.

  I feel as if I lost a sibling.
but never mind.
  I feel as if I've lost a year
but never mind
  I feel as if I lost you.
but never mind.
  I feel I have found myself...
But never you mind.

)O(
Lilith

Options

  Ahh a day off..  Feels good today to do the menial things.  Laundry Packing and organizing.  Ready for my next move.  More than likely first week in January.  Been throwing out the old.  Down to my 2 suitcases soon.  And My Computer,  tho the way things are going.  That's gonna fit in a suit case too.  
 
  Options,  we all like to have them,  most of the time.   Some can be both delightful, and a burden.  others seem cut and dry to one person.   Some see the decision as obvious.  But then they do not see the whole picture.  Just the landscape from their view.

  I find myself in a situation I thought I had remedied with this new job.  Health Insurance,  too expensive through work to afford it, rent utilities and other necessity.  Obama care?  Hmm,  not in the mood to go there completely.  But I am lookin' into it.

I cannot loose anymore of myself,  mental, emotional, or physical.

  Weighing my options, of which I have mainly 3.   I have put them all on actual paper.  One sheet each.  Pros on front Cons on back.  Still a work in progress,  but then,  I have a little time to make the decision.   They might even end up as not exactly "Options"  but plans.  Clear cut paths on the map I can tread.  Let's see how the weather is as we go.  I can cut a path, blaze a new trail in places if need be.   But I really must stick with the plan initially in my mind.  Simply make it,   singularly.

  I really dunno if I will,  and this brings me to a little bit of a reality share.   I am tired of the mentality that everyone will.   As if no one knows anyone who didn't "Make It".  We don't talk about them, painful reminders of the reality of life.  It's kind of sad really.  Humans do pick and choose which of these people or happenings have importance.   In One hand 9-11 is something we have to commemorate,  so important,  such a lesson to learn for us.  A lesson life teaches us about society on a regular basis.    But <Insert random persons name that you know and maybe take some blame for their not making it here> Who taught us a lesson in life and its darker side.  How maybe we can put light out more yourself,  Not so much someone to commemorate.

  General consensus be damned.

  Dun even know if that makes sense in words,  but in my head it does!  There's another possibility. All in my head?  Always a possibility.  Well,  not all but parts, all of us do that.  Some more than others.  

 Feels like the Swamp of Sadness in Never Ending Story.

ARTAX!!!  NOOOOO!!!

 Don't let the mood of the swamp get to you. You will sink in and die.  Daily mental determination,  discipline,  and focus.  *snorts*  yeah.   Why does that seem like a little bit of a downer in itself.

 I need to make this decision in my own way,  carefully, slowly, and with a lot of thought on it.  It wont happen in a week.  Will happen when it happens.  Gotta break this line before it comes full circle.   The only way that will happen is to make sure I make my decisions in a different way than before.  That will take a lot of examination.  Which I do, am doing, and will continue doing in my way.   I wont hurt myself or anyone else in this.  I will proceed with caution.  Not just for me,  but anyone I might tread on in the process.  You always do,  it's just a matter of who gets it,  and how quickly you can realize yer doing it and stop!

 Due north?
 Local?
 Towel Toss?
 East?

Options,  sometimes they are a burden,  other times a blessing.

Stay Focused My Friends.
)O(
Lilith



 



 

No one can follow

Where I go,  I go alone
no one can follow
what I learn I learn on my own
it's something no one else can swallow.

I don't know how else to say that,
I've given up on those who I said I never would
I've moved on from what I said I would stick with.


That's kinda how life is hey?  Tonight was an odd night I felt my walls still up but it let me experience people and things on a safe level.  It also reiterated to me a simple truth.

I am not made for this world.


there is no trust in me anymore.   I don't want any.  I don't want anyone,  anything.   I just don't Want anymore.

It's odd,  I went to this event and everything was meh.   It was entertaining in part.   But on a whole,  I found myself for a moment longing for people I could not reach for.  And it froze  me more.   At one point I took a whipping.  A good one,   other than the sting of the leather for the brief moment i felt it.  That was all I felt.   No arousal,  no emotion,  nothing.  Sealed in me the knowledge I really am done.

  I loved what I could not hold
I cared for what could not care for me
I have done this for so long

I am empty,  and I have no idea if I can recharge.

I also found.  I could care less how things turn out anymore.

I just don't care.  Even the physical pain of the flogger,  it didn't touch more than my skin.

I had hoped it would help me at least cry.

I guess it's just as well.  I have no use for my emotions right now.  they have done nothing more than cause damage.  I don't need em anymore

I am good,  without them,  without the complication.   I also feel as if I deserved it a bit.  After all,

I am the cunt who let him go free right?

No one can follow,
I go alone
It's just as well,

Stay real my friends

)O(
Lilith

Hunger? Frozen? Still in Motion.

  I have experienced an odd feeling lately.   It feels like hunger.   Pit of my stomach empty and sticking to itself.   But even when I eat the feeling does not go away.   Mind you it's not an emptiness. All I can describe it as,  is like my receptors are no longer working.  Those little things that tell you you are full or receiving any kind of nourishment.  It's not purely physical either.  It's emotional and mental as well.  Kind of like when yer gas tank reads empty even tho you just filled it up.

  No matter the input,  kind words, good food, warm hugs, or even negative feed back.  It is as if i do not feel it.  It bounces off and falls to the ground like it never happened.   The ironic thing is,  I am not even trying to receive anything.  I seriously am just not open to any of it anymore.   Good,  bad it don't matter.

  Tonight I am supposed to be going to a event I have been looking forward to for a month now,  and I really am forcing myself to do so.   I have got to find a way to De-Ice.   Because this is one place I cannot go to with the walls so firmly up

But they are up,  and they are solid

  So,  how do I do it?   Fake it till ya make it?  I HATE THAT.   I am afraid to put off bad signals tonight.  I'm afraid to put anything out tonight.  I almost want to skip the whole thing.  But I will go,  force myself to interact.    I just hope I don't piss anyone off.  Cynical,  untrusting,  and unapproachable.

Hopefully that changes once I get all dressed up.

  In addition,  I was told something last night,  something I already knew.   someone felt a connection to me,  one I felt with them as well.  They used words,  i cannot seem to absorb or use as of late.   Someone said the words "I Love You".   They said it more than once,  each time it felt like a dull tap on my wall.  I feel bad,  that I cannot feel,  and that those words tho beautiful,  just do not process for me anymore.  I dunno if they ever will.  He is an old friend and someone I have kept an eye on for as many years as I have known him.   He was involved at the time.  So was I,  now neither of us are,  and I am simply,  out of reach.    I dunno if I will ever be able to let those walls down.   But I heard the tap,  so at least they aren't terribly thick.

I would say to stay open my friends,  but I cannot give advice I myself cannot follow.    I would say stay positive,  but sometimes it is just too hard.   So I suppose instead i will say

"Stay in Motion my friends"
)O(
Lilith

I cannot tell a lie. (or shouldn't)

  This lesson was learned the hard way today for me.    I met someone from a dating site for the first time.   Seemed  charming,  until he got inside.   Before I knew it he had me against the wall.  Gripping my shoulders,  and digging his nails in.   It all happened so fast.  I am not even sure how its possible I hurt as much as I do right now.     Even my dog tried to defend me,  which was odd for him.   He grabbed the guy by the pant leg,  and when he did this fucker kicked him across the room.   My lil defender:

  He was a bit stronger than I expected,  I did not invite this guy to touch me.  I did the opposite and warned him I am not interested in touch or sex on a first,  second or even a month into dating.   I think this pissed him off.    He pushed me against the wall and knocked my head.  I got a lil dizzey and screamed.  This seemed to scare him off.

"Fuck this,"  and he left. 

once it was over I realized i felt some odd burning on my skin.  He left nasty marks all over my neck back shoulders and chest.  

  I told everyone that I called the cops.   I did not,  I feel bad about lieing about it,  I did it because I didn't want anyone feeling the need to go after him and I didn't want to get lectures on the need for me to do so.  if he comes back,  I will.   In the mean time.  IF ya meet someone on Tagged with the name Herium.   Leave him alone.  Bad apple.  

 So to those I lied to about the cops I do apologize.  All the talk about me being a liar.  Me defending myself and saying I am not.  Then what do I Do?  I lie about calling the cops..  Smart huh?    If he comes back I wont open the door,  I will call the cops and have it done then.  

For those of you who know me and how open I am concerning sexuality and all things concerned,  you know how I can be.   Partially My fault for being so open about it.  As HisRoyalRascalness says.. 

We show too many cards.

And I did.  He saw my hand and went for the win.   So I own that as well.  My part in the whole thing.

BlueShirt told me last night,  something I hate to have to swallow,  he is right.  It is different for women than it is for men.   More dangerous for us as women.  More to loose,  so to speak.  So I am off the site,   all of them.  Too Dangerous too many unknowns.

  I am truly sorry for that Lie.   I own it,  and I apologize.

Stay Honest My Friends

)O( 

Lilith

A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down.

   Well now,  where do I begin.   In the past week I wen't from darkness to light shining a little in my world again.

  I had quality time with good friends,   Met new ones and am prepping for this months Fetish Factory party!  "Seasons Beatings"  Cleaver..  I really cannot wait.  This time I am going Masquerade.    Black Ball gown.  Opera length black finger less gloves,  Beautiful half mask reminiscent of the Phantom of the opera.   Cool thing is.  I think my friends Shocker and BlueShirt are gonna go with me!

  I had Faith Rekindled in a friend I had feared I lost and have,  I think,  found my next place.   Things seem to both fall apart and come together all at once for me.   YAY Roller coasters!

  In my International Man Of Mystery blog I spoke about a girl he was chatting to from Thai Land.  This girl brought a serious smile to his face.   She lightened his mood and I loved to hear the tone in his voice when he was talking to/about her.   Always willing and wanting to please and make him smile.   Recently he found a woman who makes him very happy.  I see it in his face and hear it in his voice..   Its beautiful and I am so happy for him based on his present state as far as his health and mood.

Good Job!

  Well one thing anyone will tell you,  if you ever spoke to me or knew me when he and I were hanging on a "intimate" level.  He is influential.  He is endearing and for this lil girl he was the center of her universe.   She has had plans to come see him for almost a year,  but since he started dating he told her not to come.   The Determined lil Minx that she is.  She showed up.  Knocking on his door and TBH it was a disrespectful of her to do so.  

Bad !!   Cute!!  But BAD!

  This did not mean that his Need to tell her to go,  send her away and tell her not to come back Didn't break her heart.   Being as I have felt in the past the heart break it causes when you realize, as ChinaGirl said "not being the lucky one"   I went and met her after he left her off at her hotel.

The best Idea I ever had

  The first night I did,  she came to the apartment and ate some chicken soup and I let her just cry to me.   Unload all of what was in her head concerning him and how it broke her heart.  She is the sweetest thing.  Sharp as a whip,  and very very endearing.     The second day I took her with me to The Swap Shop in Ft Lauderdale and The Fetish Factory Store in Oakland Park.    She is a never married Thai girl with a Dowry.   I wanted to see her blush in the Fetish store.    She did too as bright as a the sun.   but she also helped me pick out some nice pieces for the party next week.   I have to say,  She helped me spend less than Half of what I was going to on the whole thing.  That and the fact my Friend Tracy had given me a black ball gown that would be perfect for the event!

I caught her admiring the restraints.

She kind of takes the whole "orientals and their cameras"  Stereo Type and nails it home.   She loves to take pictures and loves to have them taken.   I will post some throughout this blog. 

  Apparently this lil thing has a love for Fast cars.   She saw the "Museum" at the Swap shop and hand to have a pic of herself in front of almost every car.  The way her eyes lit up when she saw the cars was so amazing.  So we went inside and I snapped pics of her in front of them

  Once we got home she insisted I dress up in the outfit for the party so she could take pictures.   I put on that dress and the whole outfit and I swear I felt like Cinderella.  Yet another moment where seeing my image made me question it was even me.    

Chan roo-sok suay mak (I feel Beautiful in Thai)

  Now I know some people will say I was stupid to go and get her,   to put myself in a position where I had a lil more drama than I needed.

Drama bad.  peace and calm good

  But I look back on a lot of the last few months and I was left completely alone at times when I felt I wanted to die.   Asking those same questions I heard from her lips.

"What is wrong with me"
"Why am I not good enough"
"Did I not make him happy enough"

  No my dear sweet and so trusting lil new friend.

This is the chance you make when you let your heart get involved.

 I couldn't leave her alone with that.  *I* don't have that ability,  When someone needs a shoulder,  If I have it and the time to give,  I cannot say no.  I never will

So I made sure to give her a bit of what I saw from my side concerning her.

I did not know one other person that gave him such a delightful uplift as her.   And I made sure she knew it.

Her and I hung out for the afternoon,  she ordered Thai food,  in Thai which in itself made me giggle.   We played with my dog and chatted about relationships, men, sex, and..  the differences between most american women and women from her country.   Also in family.   My family was sheltering like hers can be,  it was an interesting conversation.    We also talked about religion,  which for me,  a HUGE subject.

   After she went back to her hotel,  I sat on the couch, 3 hours of sleep,  lots of emotional Outpouring, the past couple days have been Satisfying on every level.

Including a late night visitor.   Learned last night a man who knows hes wronged you,  can really make it up to you in the most,  amazing way.  Mmh been a while...   I dare say since before my Divorce,  that I have been this,  well rounded,  and satisfied!!

Stay Determined My Friends
Lilith
)O(

Gone Fishin'

  I am really fucking hurting right now.  Physically,  emotionally,  mentally.   I keep on waking up every day and pushing for what I want in my future.   I have no one,  friend or otherwise to share it with.  Not really.  My biggest sadness right now is all the things that are happening with me I cannot share with those I wanted to so badly.  Everything from Dr. Who, to my new job,  To the book that is now in a publisher's hands.  

  I am not angry, however,  I realize whether right or wrong.  The emotions other people are feeling concerning me are real.   Just sad people talk among themselves about me,  rather than to me.   The adult way is to not take what a person says as gospel truth.    To realize the truth lies somewhere in the middle between what people are saying on the situation.

  How dare I expect adult behavior from adults..


  The past week has been rather stupendous.  Like I said my book is now in the hands of not just one Publisher but 4 different ones.  I am not expecting it to be accepted.   I am however expecting to learn more of how to better it from their take on it.  So I can refine it.

  I have met a few nice friends.   I went fishing for the first time in over a decade this last week.  I dunno if Tom realizes that it was so wonderful for me.   I had forgotten how wonderful it was to do and how relaxing and therapeutic it was.  We have plans to go again and I cannot wait!

I have not smiled like this in forever.

                             
  I am simply doing as I should have from the beginning.    Not what a friend of mine says is best. "Not giving a fuck"   I don't believe for a minute that is how to live.   When you don't give a fuck,  it's easy for you to simply throw people away.  I am simply caring about what is most important first.

Me

  I am not giving up on any of them.  I am just focusing on not giving up on me.

Stay Focused My Friends!

)O(
Lilith

  

Utterly and completely cold.

  I feel so utterly cold.  I've dated a bit in the past few weeks and anything that is said I simply am not able to swallow.   Warm words met by a cold shoulder.     It don't matter if it is a Friendly meet or a Date.  I have to find a way to approach this stuff with less skeptical eyes.

Or not at all.

  I have never been this close to just giving up on relationships of any kind.  Fighting the desire to just vanish.  Tho it seems i already have,  at least to those who meant the most.  I am not asking either.  I am not reaching out.  I am not extending any more olive branches.  I am simply trying to stay on my path without falling into a gutter on either side.   Tho to hear some talk,  i am there already.

I do not deserve any of what has been thrown at me by "family and friends"
I would never have left anyone I called friend alone on Thanks Giving,
I would never have expected a friend to take all the blame for my life's downfalls
I would never have given up a friend.  Stopped talking to them,  because I had a romantic interest.
I do not forsake my friends.  Once I call you friend,  it is what you are,
as you have learned.  you have to walk away.
used to be I would always say my door is always open.
Not so sure about that,  as time passes I am questioning that policy of mine.
I have made my apologies.
I have made my peace.
Now I have to mourn and move on.

This is what is so hard for me....

I really don't want to.  I have been fighting for so long this darkness.  The more time passes even in all the awesome I have accomplished along the way so far.  I just don't want to anymore.  I am tired.  rotting slowly.   if 40 years of my life has yielded what it has to date.  Untrustworthy,  liars,  selfish,  cheaters,  sanctimonious assholes.    People who chew up people and then move on after absorbing the energy from them.

  I sit here literally,  looking around me.  I have a couple friends,  I do,  reality is,  once yer spent everyone will walk away.  Maybe they try and come back when you have recharged and they sip from ya again.

I never go back

 Only time I ever did was my Husband.  He hurt me hardcore over and over.   But I went back.  Lesson learned.  It wont happen again.

Moving on to the next zone.

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I have no one i can talk to about any of this.   It has to sit in my stomach and stew.  The only friend I have i wont talk to about it because he is a neutral peice and its not his problem.  So,  It sits here in my gut and stews.    if I talk here i will seal the fact that these people want nothing to do with me.
Based on mostly lies..
Based on one side of the story.
Based on half truths.

Retarded High school Click Bullshit.

My Mistake was moving here and expecting a community that is supposed to be so open and tolerant to tolerate me.

Oopse!

I forgot,  tolerance only of your own kind.

Sounds quite republican to me.

Stay Motivated My Friends
)O(