No matter where you go, there you are!

  Yep, yer right,  this is a true and overstated fact.  Regardless of how hard my father wants to say it to me as a reason not to consider relocating,  I see it as just as good an argument to do it.  Maybe it isn't you entirely?  Maybe the people you are encountering are just not the type who see things the same as you.  Their views on things are just not the same on a wider scale than you realized.  Maybe an entirely different social and economical backdrop is exactly what is needed?  Maybe,  just maybe you gotta take you somewhere else entirely.  

  The more I look at the people I meld best with I find it is the European/UK types.  There is a different mentality,  a different view on things.   Everything from politics and religion to sex and drugs.  The views that I have experienced in America are very different from that of Europe/UK.  So why not take a peek at the very least?

  Well,  More than a peek. 

  Something about all of this is feeling very right.  Everything is done out of want not need.   At least not a need that is a sustaining need.  Life or death that is.    Without this being considered I would live on in my own just fine!  THAT is why it all feels very right.  In considering this I am not giving up any of that.  Again,  it feels very right.  I am gaining the most amazing and wonderful man who loves and adores me in such a way I have never felt.  I have never thought to deserve.  I have never dreamed to have.

 So again I ask.  Why Not?  Yeah,  I'm making that list.  The pro's and Con's.  Reality is tho, I am single and childless.   I have no responsibilities but my dog and myself.   Simple quarantine for him over there and hes with me again learning to bark in dutch if I decide to stay there.  WHY NOT!?!?!?!   

No reason,  SO I prepare.   Ready or not, here I come.

Stay flexible my friends

)O(

Lilith

Circular Muse effect!?!??! Wait... What?

  Odd to experience this,  great too!   We feed each other's creativity,  Muse Effect in a circular motion.   I felt it today,  the draw from me to his artistic side.  I lay in bed,  my web cam on my face and pillow only,   After last night,  long night out with people much younger than me.  I just wanted to relax in bed.   His voice in my ears and he watched me on camera as we spoke.  I did not see his face,  but I heard my effect on him..    Fingers feverishly flying over the keyboard.   Every so often I would nod off and come to hearing that sound.  One that would normally be annoying now like rain against a windowpane lulling me to sleep.    I could not see his face from my bed but a quick looks showed me a face full of passion, purpose,  and joy.    I looked into the camera as if his eyes and told him over and over how lucky I was to have found him.   To have a man with both intelligence, and Passion.  Strength and sensitivity.     How grateful I was to have him in my world.  How much I looked forward to actually feeling him close.

  After a dozy afternoon he sent me the following.   His words in his best and quite amazing english he made me smile,  giggle and feel so very a part of him.   I could feel it.  I felt him drawing from my dozy peaceful state   I felt him,  and his words showed he could feel me.

  From my Mojo:

I'm so hungry from your love
My sweet child
We tossed all morning
Now tossed me a salad
Something fresh
With tart and crunch to it.
Peel off and carefully
Tear some fresh purple-veined
Romaine
As i watch with sleepy sated eyes.
Next a small wedge of iceberg
Crisp and scrumptious.
I am still savoring your girlish taste.
In my mouth
And your face still flushed
Fresh for loving
I offer my round red cherry
Tomatoes
Bursting with juices and flavor
Suck one in your mouth
And taste the sweetness
My sweetest
Dark and meaty
Mushrooms
Bring mischief to your olive eyes
As you note their bulbous shape
And smooth flesh
I produce a long thick
Cucumber
That you can´t resist teasing with me
Noting a certain similarity as you lick it
Like you licked me
Just moment ago
Oh , here some big one for you, baby
Carrots
Whose length and girth
Fill your tiny hands
Cheese is in bottom tray
Baby
Bend over
And crumble  my cheese
With tender care
Big tasty chunks blue love
Now a sweet creamy
Vinaigrette
To get it all wet and slick
Croutons
For the crunch
Tuna
White meat
Tender flakes whose smell
Reminds me of
You darling Girl
Now come , baby
Come
Over here
And give it
To this hungry man.


  There was huge emotional exchange between us today.  We both feel it now as he listens to my fingers like raindrops on a windowpane.  His face making me smile and want him.   His breath and presence giving me fuel to continue this story for you all.    He looks tired but calm.  His eyes focused on something I wish I could see,   But he shows me what I need to.  What he sees when he looks through the window i open to him in my world.   The one he will step into November 18th,  the one he will touch and alter forever.


I love you Mojo.
I fell even harder for you today
your kindness,
your passion
your presence

Always proving your words true.
I can only Hope I can prove as such to you!
I adore you


Stay Open My Friends.
)O(
Lilith

No Words.

  There really aren't any to describe my joy in things right now.  I am watching my dutch boy sleep, grinning ear to ear and searching plane tickets for thanks Giving.  Yeah,  he's coming in November, gonna be here in my arms in 2 months time.   For one week,  then he will go home and return at Xmas through New Years, then I am going back with him for a while.   To see Amsterdam and get to Know him better.

THAT'S RIGHT LILITH IS GOING TO AMSTERDAM!

 I am so excited, first to finally smell my Mojo,  hug him, hold him,  and feel his reactions.   I need to know what can only be seen in smell,  taste and sound.  I need to know,  this is the oddest and most amazing experience I have had with a man in my life.   If this carries over into a physical space for us.  I am just gonna explode..

  There really are no words to describe it.  It's all new to me,  all of it.   He does everything I have been told time and again a man should do if he loves you,  and his eyes match his actions.  He adores me,  I see it in his eyes.   It burns a little, not in a bad way,  just overwhelmed.  Again,  no words.  It's all in his eyes.

There are other pictures,  but the content is for his eyes only.

This is a pic of me putting on the gift he got me for my B Day.  A Pure Silver pendent says "Little Devil"  Initials on the back.

 In his voice,  in his eyes when I answered Skype this morning and I saw him as the 10 year old little boy who had lost his mom in the store and was half embarrassed he had been crying.   He couldn't get his net to work and he thought he was gonna go another day of us not seeing each other.  It poked the mother in me very hard.  I fell a lil more for him.   He is Passionate and sensitive,  but strong and commanding when he needs to be.   He has balanced unbalance down to a science.   It's almost as if some of our slots were made for each other's pegs.  I can't wait to see how many more fit!

  He has been snapping pics of me in Skype,  at first being sneaky about it.  (Tisk Tisk)   But once I saw the pics,  I cried.   I saw the way he saw me.   I could not believe my eyes.  I did not recognize the woman in some of the photos.   I simply cannot wait to wrap my arms around him.  To thank him for all the wonderful things he has both awoke in me and proven me wrong in.

Thank you for proving me wrong,  thank you for showing me the amazing male that exists out there.  Thank you for finding me worthy to have you.  I love you My Mojo,  with all my heart. 

 There is so much exciting to come for me.  I really do feel like life has just begun again.   I am moved beyond words.  So there are few in this blog entry.  

I sit in awe,  watching him sleep,  knowing he will wake me up in the morning having watched me sleep for a spell.  I cannot wait until our arms are wrapped around each other as we slumber.

A Kiss goodnight,,

My Mojo

My Dirty Boy

My Future,

My Man.

My King.

My Luis

I Love you.

Never give up on Love my Friends!

)O(

Lilith

  

  

  

The Big 4-0!

Well now when I was very young this day seemed so far away.   My mom was 40,  my aunts were 40.   Surely it would be forever before I would see 40.....

 Here I am,  looking at the second half of my life going.

"Wow,  OK  all down hill from here right?"


  I really hope not,  I hope there are as many ups and downs,  as many challenges ahead of me as there were behind.  Without them I think I would have been bored and killed myself years ago.  It's the challenges and the fight that makes life worth living.   I have seen a saying the last couple days I have not seen before now.

  "I thought life was just for living"

  Maybe I just never saw it?  But I feel this.  Live it,  don't worry so much about the why's.   Just enjoy!   My Birthday was actually yesterday.  Quiet day cleaning and prepping for today.   Feels just a little lame to me but not completely that I am planning and throwing my own B day party.  (technically also my roommates party so not a total ego trip)    But if you know me I love to entertain,  to cook and host parties is a great deal of fun for me.  So let's call it MY GIFT TO ME.


  Today the house will be filled with so many people.  Ages ranging from 20 to 70.   Hippies to college kids.   It will be an interesting mix of personalities.  For a people watcher like me,  that is gonna be fun,  There is only one problem.  There are people who won't  be here,  I wish so desperately were.

 Those people will be here in spirit tho,  and even same via web cam and skype to see the party and interact with guests and myself.  

  OK Level with ya.  Stopped writing there.   I got ready to have those people come into this home and have a good time.   I had no negative energy at all in the preparation,  I felt good In the tasks I had to do and got them done.  The house looked amazing.   I felt amazing.  40?  Pfft.  Whatever.  Just getting started.

 

2 Huge pans of Eggplant Lasagna

  I felt ready for anything.   Just about everything is what I got.   ages 20-70 the people who came to both wish me a happy birthday and to meet for the first time.   All of which showed a great deal of respect for me and for the home.   The people I have met since I moved to Tampa has been the best kind.   A little of this and a little of that.    Good and bad some great people.  The picture is bad,  but it's the best I could do.  I will get more of these awesome people as time goes on.   

Beer for Breakfast.

  Yep most of the people from the party crashed.  All the blankets I had plus an outdoor couch as a bed all were accommodated.   I even found a couple in the Garage on cardboard just happy to have a place out of the rain.   Once we all awoke and were mobile,  for some of these guys that meant some beer and pot before they were ready to be alive.   For me,  a cup of coffee and a bong rip works just fine.   

  Because OH THE HANGOVER.

Yeah it had been a long time since I drank like that.   But I didn't drink to the point the night was a blur.  I remembered each and every encounter.  I remember finding amazement in people I had no clue even noticed a damn thing about me.  Some showed me a little more of them than I would have asked for.   But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I am grateful for everything given.  One of the older hippies gave me a special Gift for my Birthday.  One of his "CD's"  this means a CD of the music HE mixed.  HE made and he gave it to me with so much joy.   I did not understand the reaction in him about the gift until later.   

"No way?  Calvin gave you one of his CD's?  Calvin never gives away his CD's."   

  It WAS special.  It was a piece of him.  And just now as I write this Just realized.  I should listen to it...  Cute,  It's perfect for bumpers and intro's for my hobby!   I DJ (sort of)  In a online community called Second Life.   Supplement my income a bit.  It's enough to keep me in some extras.    And this Cd he gave me is perfect for some stuff I wanna do!

  All in all one of the coolest Birthday's I have ever had.  Breakfast the next day was a treat by the center gentleman in the picture above.   The reaction in the waitress when the guys asked for beer at 9 am was priceless..   

  I received so many wonderful gifts of different Kinds.  People In the online community I am part of some know I do what I do there to supplement my income.  Keep life just a little bit sweeter.  I received gifts of money as well as gifts of adoration.  I received a gift from Morpheous within the community that made me feel, as he always does,  like a lady.  A Beautiful dress to add to my "softer kinder" side wardrobe.   He has been with the most amazing skill helping me see her a bit more.  The lady,  softer side of me.   Not just saying I am letting someone in but actually doing it.   Letting down some walls that really do not need to be there.  

He knows time and patience is the way to make it happen.   He is keeping his word in everything he does.   I am overwhelmed by him.  Add to that My Mojo's gifts.  Not just of things but of him.  His honesty,  his tears and his sharing.  His fearless expression in places most men do not or cannot show.  A Man who can shed tears with a woman instead of trying to fix what is causing them.  Allowing for that moment of emotion.  I fell a little more in love with him when he did that.    A Necklace that is on the way to me from him.   Not to mention,  for the first time ever and for real.  Someone made the whole day about me,  and did it not because they felt obligated to.    Every Smile,  every giggle,  ever flushed cheek and every contented sigh I made made his smile wider.  

HE did it because it was his desire.  His want was to make me smile,  to make my Birthday the best he could.  To add only joy,  smiles, and warmth to it.    I search his eyes,  I pay attention to his voice when he says things.  I watch his lip tremble when he is saying something that is a deep and important emotion him No matter how i look,  I cannot find any sign he is not being honest.  

The way he sees me blows my mind.  To see myself thru both of their eyes is shaking me to my core.

I don't think I can ever express to them how much so

I got my eyes set on this one.

I will not stop until I can smell him.

Until I can Taste him

Until I know every inch of him.

It's like that with Morpheous too.  He says he is very fond of me.  I can almost hear the giggle in his voice when he does say it.  Or similar things.   I almost think it messes with his head a little.  As crass as I can be.  As foul mouthed and lacking in grace.   He cannot help himself.  But I believe,  correct me if I am wrong,  he sees the lady and wants to make her pop to front more.  To be honest I do to, and some how he really effects me in such a way I want to make him proud of me.   I wan't him to smile at who I am and who I am becoming.   I feel overwhelmed by it all in the best possible way.  I keep saying it over and over again.

I feel so blessed in my world right now,  there are no words to explain,  only emotions.  

   

I feel I do not deserve so much of this.  I cannot stop soaking it in.  Feels like water to a parched soul.  Real adoration in-spite of every negative I throw,  total adoration.  I love them both for it.   It humbles me,  both of them.  Each in their own way.  


  So My 40's started with an amazing bang.  I feel as if I really am about to embark on an even better stage in life.  So many have said to me life really just starts in your 40's.  I am already starting to believe it!

Never give up on love my friends!
)O(
Lilith

What's Love got to do With it?

  I am getting really tired of people's half baked advice on love.   Everyone has something to add.  

"There is no such thing as love at first sight."

"You cannot find love over the internet."

"Love takes time and patience it does not happen quickly"

On the contrary my friends I have found in my time all of these statements are not truth, they are personal views.  In my experience I have seen love come and go as true as the setting sun quick and explosive.  Just because it did not last does not mean it was not love.   I just means it ran its course.


  Love is something people try to define and lay rules and regulations to.   It's sad,  Love is one of those things that cannot be tied down.   Not if it is to grow and bloom properly.   The best of loves are the ones that grow freely, honestly,  and without restraint.  Those are the loves that last.

  I have found myself in a triangle I didn't ever think could really work.   My Master Morpheous,  my "Daddy" of sorts a constant grounding,  a wonderful anchor after so any Tumultuous seas in my life as late,  is slowly helping me to settle and learn to "stop and smell the roses" again.   Last night as we chatted me on his lap and crying over some things that have happened in the past weeks.   I told him I Just needed peace and calm.   My english Gentleman for a Master said.

"Then Stand still"

"Then what?"  I asked

"Stand still some more."  he said,  and I cried.   I feel bad for men.  Some of them get so uncomfortable when tears are shed.   I noticed he did.   He said men aren't trained for tears.  I had to laugh.

Sure they are Master.  That is why you were given such strong arms...  *smiles*

  I went to bed settled.  This man never making sexual advances really.  Little flirts,  and swats, gropes and teases.   But there has not been much in the naughty department with him.  It feels good to be treated so perfectly like a lady.   HisRoyalRascalness,  MyInternationalManOfMystery said I should make sure I find one like this.  Well,  I've found two.   Interesting how karma gets you back huh?  Morpheous is my healer,  My father figure,  my Sir.  

What is it I am being healed for?   Why am I trying to strengthen my will,  My heart,  My soul?  TO receive the second of the two in the triangle...

My Mojo..

His face

Our space

  I have been told there are people to mirror us.  I have thought I felt this mirror type reaction.  But the more I learn about this Dutch born boy the more I realize.  I seriously knew nothing.   Passion,  Intensity,  eloquence even in the face of a language barrier and persistence of this boy matches my own.     I am preparing to be able to add him to my world.   To do it with a strength I have not had in a while.    

  I am slowly learning to believe his eyes and his smile.   His words being met with his actions daily.   When someone you know does nothing but make you smile.  You grab on and you DO NOT LET GO.

Peace and calm.   Yes Toby,  now and finally always.  And it came once I found solitude.  No one no where to cater to.  My turn...


These two men in my are a karmic  Re-Balance.  I know that now.  I am deserving of them and they are deserving of the best in me.   I promise to give it,  even as I am recovering what I have lost in the past few years.   I know some of you will utterly and completely think me crazy.

You know what?

That is just FAN FUCKEN TASTIC BY ME.

I don't live this life for you.
I live it for me.

Stay Crazy My Friends.
Lilith
)O(

Back in the saddle

 Well,  settled and making friends.  Learning, AGAIN, to live.   Or maybe,  just continuing the lessons?   So far I have made 3  New friends.   All male tho most of the people I Know would say it's no surprise.  Always seem to connect with men easier than women.    One has become a interesting new eh...  Interest.

  Mid as well pick up where I should have left off in the first place.   The night HisRoyalRascalness said to me.

"Now this is how you should make them all treat you after me.   The next one, I mean."

Aye aye captain!  I am.  feels good to slip on those knee high sneakers and head out for some fun.  Dating.  Really and truly dating.   Re-establishing myself here in the Tampa area and meeting new people.  NOT As hard as I Felt it could or would be.  I always seem to hit the ground running.  Even if I am not sure I have the strength to.

  I Have learned that doubts are not a bad thing.  Just a way of your mind getting you to think before you act.   I plan on utilizing this to the max.

It's not just dating either.  Simply meeting and smiling.  NOT giving a fuck what people think.  Letting my light shine as it is and not being afraid of how the light pierces the darkness.    Just letting it shine.

 *Rips at the ground under her digging a hole big enough for her and her silky black tail to fit wiggling into place and smiles.  Tail twitching wildly tossing her hair about as it flies by her head.*

   MINE!  Found it it's mine.  Also found myself.  Realized what I was for so long and couldn't see.  Stubborn and scared,  but rightly so.   He knew how to get a scared kitty to offer her belly.

Time and patience and never giving up.  Slow n steady wins the race.

 I really have spent so much of my life as a roaming kitty.   To Afraid to really just give in.  Really have found someone who will catch me if I give a lil more than I thought in a place and loose my balance.

He knows the dance....

Peace and calm,  I  see the real thing in the near future. Serenity in surrender.   The peace in passivity..    Lilith isn't a lost kat anymore.   Lilith is found.     Home is where your heart is,  Lilith's heart is home.

I wrote this over 4 weeks ago.  While in a different situation,  With a different person.  What I realized quite recently.  It wasn't at all about him.  It was about me.   I am at home in me.  The he, in the situation changes.  But I am good with or without.   With I am much more balanced,  the key is finding the one that balances with parity in mind!  Lilith has found that,  in herself and now is finding it in others.  Kinda cool isn't it?

  I am sewing up loose ends,  cleaning up old messes and finding myself in a state of order I haven't seen in a long time.  I know where everything is,  mentally emotionally, and even physically.   It's nice to know that when things go wrong.  Makes messes less a mess and more manageable!   But if you know me you know I need some chaos.   I let that come from the people in my life.  My space order they can be all the chaos they want.  Even in my space because I got that nailed down.

  Solitude has been the best thing for me.  For a long time was just my parents.   Odd but welcomed experience.   My dad, tho not shown in words,  was happy to have me around.  Mom just so sick I was in that position again.   She was also glad to be part of me stepping out of that darkness finally.    For her to see me doing it on my own power and to now be living under my own power.   She is feeling the same sense of relief I am.   Then once I found this place other than the roommates who were school age guys.  21 and 25.   Mostly gone and gaming when home so I never really saw them.  So when I first came to Tampa I was allowed to "settle".   Still one more surgery to go,  a lot of pain still.

  I have begun working on my body first off since the mind is in check.  In the last 3 months after being out of the chair for 5 now,   I have started back on my paleo diet.  Loosing the weight I gained being in the chair.  Surgeries are done,  DONE, no more it feels like a lifetime since the first one.  2013.   Basically I make the Concerted effort to eat food that has not been processed in any way other than butchered or harvested.   Once I can get a fishing pole I wont even buy fish anymore.   Unless I just have a hard time catching!

 Space?  I found the best little place on a lake in the Tampa Florida area.  Gated community.  Family houses.   Neighborhood watch type place.  Peaceful and calming.  I get the Cotton Candy on blue felt backdrop sky here often.  I love it!  The roommates are keep to yourself types and I like that.  All gamers like me so we get the whole disappear into your room for hours talking to the air kinda behavior!

  It really is a great arrangement.

  As Far as my social and love life.  Always a snowball down a hill.  Usually breaks into smaller pieces regularly and causes bigger ones in its wake.  Me, Myself and I making a new ball of my own.  Lather, rinse, aaaand repeat.

  But I have a odd feeling I am in a solid ball for a bit here.   Something is clicking, sliding into place and locking down.   There are Someones.  Yes someones.  More details will come later.  But for now I can only go as far as I have felt my own way into them as partners in this roll down the hill, tho it is feeling more like a slide right now.    I will introduce them in the order I met them.   Only Fair,   And that start's with;

Sir Morpheous,   People will want to call him my Master.  HE will want me to call him my Master.  Rarity that is.   Sounds so "I Dream Of Jeanie"  Not that it won't happen.  It is a special occasion thing for me.  But of all the men who have heard it from me in the past oh,  year,  you deserve it Most.  More than all combined.   Tolerance, acceptance and understanding in Droves.   We have not and more than Likely will not Ever share the same space.  I am spice in his life where it is otherwise lacking.  Pepper is good for that! (Pepper will be explained in full later)   But still do share space in the coolest possible way.  A Father figure and a beacon for Pepper,  For Lilith, for me.   (yes I typed and still see BACON for beacon as I write this so I need breakfast!)  You bring to the rigid nature of BDSM the lighthearted nature Gus did in things when I was a younger woman.  You make me feel that younger woman again.    You Soften the Shell.

And Mojo, I met him at a gig,  not sure who brought him or why he was there.  But he got on a dance Dressed as a demon and was a minion too be!  I just didn't know it then.     Since I  saw him at a place I "DJ" at make spare change for needs like coffee...  *BIG SMILE*  This Dutch boy continues to surprise me with his adoration and passion.  The more he sees of me good and bad he wants more.  The more of that willingness to please and be close to me the more I am willing to share.  It kinda works that way huh?   Slow and steady wins the race! He has grown on me this one,  Very deeply,  he has become my One.  What I had always hoped to be to my Sir,  His One.  That is how love is given and spread.   I could see myself sharing the same space with this one.  I look forward to it even.

Keipas I met most recently,  I feel his pain in a large way.  Where he is in his life and Marriage I feel and know all to well.  When I took him on,  a kinky German guy with a huge desire to please.  I have a unique love of the German language mostly due to the first man to call me his submissive and own that right.     I love this guy differently than Morpheous or Mojo.  But I love him all the same.  I fear I cannot give him the love he wishes tho.  I hope I am wrong.  I hope he Understands him being married I cannot fall in love with him.  Not as I have Mojo.


  So I have settled in a way I never thought I could.  In my physical space a nice quiet place with occasional well needed chaos.  My heart Space I settled in a little group of people.  Friends, there are those too.  Lost some in the past couple years but gained quite a few too.   A Group of hippies that live on what I call "The compound" have become regular visitors and visitees of mine.
Roommates who have added a lot of character to my world.   Not to mention my own influences in all of this.  My writing and my Music and my own style.   I have learned once and for all the truth in the idea.  

"Let your light shine and the moths that dig yer glow will flock to you,  the ones not meant will simply fly off where they belong."

Stay Persistent my friends
)o(
Lilith