Buckle up buttercups. How ya like me now.

  I'm Iced over I think.   I cannot even fathom anything right now other than trying to get myself settled in my new job.   People have completely turned me off to....  well,  People.   I feel cave girl mode coming on.  Work,  write,  game. eat and sleep.   All I require.

  People I trust have been talking among themselves about me.  Then I suddenly get Words from them that come from the people they are talking to.  You know what I mean?   Friends Less educated using words you know your more educated (vocab)  friends use.  Then you get the condescending bull shit convos from them separately that scream how weak they believe you are,  fragile and misguided.  OR straight up saying the same things almost verbatim that one of yer other friends say.  So  I am done.

Yer not as sneaky as you may think!

I talk to no one anymore.

I got this shit like a bull by the horns, I dun need to anyway.

  New Job new life,  socialization is becoming a staple for me.  Keeps me on track in a new and unreal way.  Making me realize who is worth it to me as far as the effort I put in and who is not.

Some may think they are not.  But,  they are.  Some think they are but are soon to find.  I really am done.  Have been for a while.

I am about to unleash a new me onto the world around me.  For those of you who stood by me,  who tolerated the insanity as well as the calm.  I cannot wait to show my gratitude.  I am not totally sure all of you will let me.

I will be blogging a bit more now,  I have things to say again.  It's actually making me happy.

Have a awesome Halloween
Blessed Be!
)O(

Analyze, criticize, prioritize.

Confusion and oddness.   Its as frustrating as Uncertainty and Unknowns,  Struggling with Trying to not understand things.   Curiosity is killing me.  

What things?

Mostly Me,  My perceptions,  my desires, and my ability to avoid giving into most impulses.   I have become better at it.  But I dunno if it's right to do that?  At least with all of them.

Trying to understand if I am right about grasping for all the good around me.  Or if its wrong to,  Grinning from ear to ear.   Trying to understand why others avoid all of them for some reason.    I dunno how to not try to understand the reasons,  part of my makeup and I am fighting it.    Question everything,  learn and expand my own mind that way,  Whether it be about Sex religion, philosophy,  people's behaviors.  I dunno how to change some of my own reactions and emotions.   Feeling like a struggling Vulcan.  I hate that I feel I have to.  For Survival,  my own mental health.     I have always followed my heart and tempered it with my mind.   Right now both are telling me similar things about a lot of situations.   They are validating each other.  What I have known and learned about people in my life is telling me I am right in my perceptions for the most part.   I have made lists,  and written out my thoughts read and re read them.  Situations,  actions, people and their mixed signals and behaviors.    

  So many confusing me.  Actions not matching their words.  Is why I say I am Trying or refuse to try and understand anymore.   Anything,  anyone,  any action people take.  Trying to find the balance between doing that,  and burying my own needs wants and desires in the process.  I used to do that.  Bury my own needs for others.   I won't anymore.   

I am excited about so much in my life right now.  Changes happening in me.  Physical Mental and emotional.  Even some spiritual.    New reactions from me.   Things I felt were so important even 6 months ago now are so pale in comparison to things I am seeing as necessary.   Wanted,  not needed.   I am so sure about so much right now.  Unsure about a few things but they are trivial and unnecessary worries so I am shelving them.  Will work themselves out on their own.  Just that kind of weird situations.   

I am trying to not care about things I do not think I have the ability to be complacent about.  My heart won't let me.   I feel the resolve seeping back into me I had when I looked at my Mother at 18 and said 

"I don't want this religion,  I don't want this life.  I see and need better"   

I am afraid people will fall away when it kinda cements in my personality.   I know some will.  Uncertain about others.  I refuse not to reach for what I know is good,  and I want.  I refuse not to reach for what I am told repeatedly is unattainable.   I know those things are not only attainable,  but good and beneficial,  not just for myself but those I love as well.   I refuse....  REFUSE,  to believe my gut,  which has never steered me wrong once,  only if I did not heed its warnings did i suffer.   

*sigh*   Its not a bad thing I am going thru by any means.  Its,  an Lesson for me in the right way to think and perceive.    Always learning,  with every other view I take in.    I have,  it seems, learned quite well how to compartmentalize my worries when it comes to other people.  Their paths and trials.    Only a couple people still remain in my "You hurt them you hurt me,  and you dun wanna mess with my family"  mentality.  Which is good.  De-Globalized my heart.  Localized and re-prioritized.  

Why people choose those who will hurt them,  who will leave them,  who will not respect and return their awesomeness.    

Why do they?  This is one of the questions I wrote out in a Text Doc and tried to work out.   Many reasons.  My conclusion after going thru some behavioral Texts I downloaded.   People are afraid of what is not familiar.  No matter how good,  peaceful or rewarding something is.  Humans seem to choose the Familiar even if it is less than healthy or even beneficial.   Even if it means swallowing things they could not.

Would that be listed under a kind of Cognitive Dissonance?   *sigh*   

I am trying to make some of it.   Have been for weeks.  But it's not bringing me down.  Oddly its grounding me to do it.   I feel more rooted in myself,  more sure of my ability,  more certain I am not wrong to follow my gut.   It's just how I go about following it that will make the difference.   So I again am just listening,  observing,  spouting my 2 cents once I process things.   But I feel like I need,  more input.  More information,  more experience with the things I am analyzing.  

I feel stronger than I have in over 3 or 4 years.  Since the radio station.   But I am also at a point where I am not sure I want to dig anymore into the information.  I am worried, that for the first time in a very long time.  My gut is wrong.  OR maybe,  Again,  I am just different from everyone else.  My view on things might be odd and misplaced.  Not for this world as it is anymore.   

Which means I have to figure out a way to whittle my own little hole in society and try and conform in some ways for my own survival.  My own mental health and social existence.

*sigh*  make sense?

A little effort goes a long way.

  I am afraid,  we all get that way I think.   Unsure, uncertainty,  unknowns.   I find myself worried even tho I have taken good steps to better my future.   I have a  Job now,  but transportation is going to be a problem.

  Recently I was told by a friend that I was waiting for people to do things for me.   That I was too reliant on other people.   Mmh.   Ya know what.  Sometimes you need the help of yer friends even on a temporary basis just to get yer footing.   I can get to my job.  But getting home..  I get out at 12:30 am and there are no buses running at that time.   Not one of my friends has offered help even tho I offer gas.  It is a training class for the job for 3 weeks only.  Then i work from home.  I just  need a hand for 3 weeks.

Not one has offered.  I have no idea how I am going to do this.   The class is 11 miles away and all I need is a kind soul who will help me for that time period.  I am afraid I will not be able to make the course.  Then the steps I have taken so far in getting good solid work will fail.   Square one.


Is it really wrong to ask for that kind of help.   I do not have the money to afford 50 bucks a night to get home.   But I cannot afford not to get this job.  

What do you do?

As for the friend who said I am waiting for everyone else to do shit for me?  Guess what,  take a look in the mirror.   How much of yer life have you spent reliant on someone because you do not want to "Give up your life"  or have to work so hard to get what you get now.  Even tho it is darkened by abusive man?

Judge me not.  I have pulled for myself for a very long time.  Hypocrite.

 I have continued to find myself in a state of What The Actual Fuck.  (WTAF)  People,  I cannot and will  not try to understand them anymore.   They say one thing, do another.  Very few have proven themselves to be true friends.

Those who have I will cherish until the day I die.

So I am not sure I will be able to swing this without a little aid from my friends.   I am so tired of every triumph being met with yet another reason It could fail in the long run.   I keep swinging,  trying and attempting to solve the problems.  

My hands,  however, are tied in this matter.   I do not even want to talk to anyone right now,  even those few who have proven themselves friends.   I am tired of being judged and won't allow it.   What is the balance?  How do I meet in the middle,  when no one seems to want to meet me there?

I pity anyone who needs me for anything but has for any reason refused to be there for me.   I am over being available.  But rarely having the availability of my friends.  Do not come to me,  for a damn thing,  unless you can say "I have given and am worthy of some understanding in return."

I am done with people
I am done with selfishness
I am done with takers
I am done giving and being forgotten.


 Your loss,   I know my worth,  the good I have to offer people.   If they do not wish to enjoy that which I offer.  I do not wish to call them friend.

Just a little effort
goes a long way.

Lilith
)O(

New Attitude, New Digs, new Perspective!

  Well Happy Monday to everyone!  Wonderful weekend full of just the right mix of Debauchery and good decision making.   In my opinion.  Tho my friend,  he would say we were horrible Humans.  Managing to get yourself into trouble again.

Are you alive?
Are you smiling?
Did you hurt yourself or anyone else?
No?

QUIT WHINING!

  I am also learning in a  interesting way that it isn't always yer fault if ya hurt someone.   All you can do is be honest,   be true to yourself and your word.   If people try and see something that isn't there.  It's not yer fault they got hurt.

It's theirs alone.

I have a lot going to be happening in the next few weeks.  So many things to get done.  But I will get them done.    I spent this last weekend in the most positive way,  i feel energized and solid.  I feel ready to take on my tasks.

  I have also learned recently,  there is a new person in my life who has proven to me that I can have faith in them.   Believe in them,  know they will always be there.  I have gained a good companion and ally in him.  Regardless of everything.  We always seem to come back to where we were and are now.

I cherish these kinds of people.  I will continue to.  It's a small list of people in my life right now who have the right in my mind to call me "Friend"  and to ask or expect anything from me.  He has become one of them.  He was the subject of my "International Man of Mystery Blog"

My dear friend
My Mirror.
Thank you.

So In the next few weeks I am embarking on an new path.  One that has never been walked by me.  I am both excited and scared all at the same time.  But I won't give up.  I will keep fighting.  Because I know I am able, i know the people in my life are good,  and I know I am good.

With or without.
It's fabulous.

An alteration of this "I don't give a fuck"  mentality.   It's not about not giving a fuck,  it's about giving the right kind for the right people and circumstance.

I will continue to love as I do and not be afraid of getting anything in return.
I will give what I get.
I will give what I can,  Cherish what is given,  and expect nothing more.

Light and Love
Blessed Be!
)O(
Lilith

Take a Knee...

  I think I am tired finally over the Bull Shit.   People say this all the time.  Just DONE!  But I am.   I am also not naive enough to believe there won't be bull shit in my future,  I just think I will be smart enough to sniff it out this time around.  At least a lil better than I have recently.

*Cough* Bullshit *Cough*

  I wan't to blog,  feel the need to blog,  but I needed to find a new way,  a new canvas.  Paint a new picture with words,  fresh start.   Problem is there are so many colors around me.  So many have rubbed off in the last year,  I am trying to blot away the excess and see what there is of me left in view,  how and if I might have been stained by it all,  as well as restored to a more colorful,  less Blue/Grey palate.

  I have used the following passage in my profiles before.  I am gonna use it here for this first post.

"My life is a canvas"

There's a lot of things about myself I still have yet to discover.  Writing,  helps me dig even Deeper into who I am and where I can go   How far I can push Myself before its no longer beneficial.  You will  find me in many forms moods and places.  Writing this blog helps satisfy a need in me to have as much color in my life as possible.  Getting people to take part in the things I think and share adding more color.   I spent most of the first years of my life living in black and white.  Choked by *Cognitive Dissonance .

When I walked away from that I decided to take in ALL the color I could.  I will answer questions concerning this if you wish to know.   But it will also come out in conversation often.

  I also check the colors against my own skin tone.  Is it something I care to or would like to wear?  Unfortunately, however, i also find that some shades do not keep my interest for long.   Others are tattooed on me,  permanent displays of my own color.   This variety of color comes from many sources.  People,  places,  ideals and Emotions.  All examples of Color.

So I make myself a canvas in life.  Color I like rubbing off on me because i get real close to examine it, too close in some cases.   Even the hues that I hate and even regret letting someone smear are treasured reminders of what didn't exactly go with my scheme.  

 So bring your brushes if you wish and lets see if our schemes blend well on the canvas.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

  I had a Therapist who believed hard core in the whole idea of color choice,  or the colors a person displays on around themselves can somehow be analyzed to see what their mental state is,  or proclivities maybe?

  "Someone who uses yellows and orange,  even reds and even some purples would have a quick temper, or elation,  easily polarized personalities.   Yellow being the most used by those who have a sort of violent and dark side, insane."  he would say handing me a cup of coffee or ice water as we sat to begin our "Talk Therapy"  "On the contrary,  someone who uses blues greens and some cooler purples,  will have a more calm and gentile spirit,  organized and easygoing."

  Problem with this is Colors rub off.  They all will to some degree.   Just like moods..

  Colors do add to a mood,  this is undeniable.    It wasn't until I met Matt when I was still very young,  still very naive, that I saw maybe where his theory had some truth.  All of his paintings were drowned in yellows,   mustard and gold colors.  Greens as well however and brown. Abstract,  more emotion in color than an actual picture.  I loved em.  Really wish I had gotten one from him.  Accepted one he offered,  instead of worrying about all the questions I would get from my family about where it came from.   His style was beautiful.  Loved to watch him.   He was chaotic tho.  As was reflected in his art.  He was quite insane.  I do believe he threatened to strangle me with piano wire....

*laughs*

  Lately,  I feel I have had too many brushes swirling around my space,  my head, my heart,  my world.   Simplify,  I need to simplify.   This is every way.   Me and my best friend Tracy,  sitting out on the front porch today laughed as we both basically said and realized how good it was to say,




"It's not my problem"

 This odd lil snap in my chest.  I felt a weight lift.  I have been doing this for a few weeks.  Saying this to myself but not realizing it.  If someone has had a issue with something in their life I have listened,  even when wanting to give advice at times I just didn't.   Or being able to offer some kind of aid in their struggle I for the first time have actively said,

"It's not my problem,  I have so much shit to deal with right now,  I just cannot help you but to listen."  

 There are only enough people to count on one hand, in my immediate vicinity,  I would even think about helping in any way right now,  at least putting myself out to help..  They either do,  or will shortly know who they are.

  Ya know what,  it feels good to be able to say that.  To not feel guilty about that.    And not everyone on that list is set in stone.  I reserve the right to tell someone to "Pound Salt"  if it is what I get from them enough.

Give what you get,  ya never know how that can grow into one hell of a relationship especially if ya can partner it with "Give what you can,  cherish what is given, and expect nothing more."

Expectations..   Hard not to have em, but the fewer you have, or at least the more you choose them wisely,  the easier life can be.   But I think that is how the best relationships are built,  be it Friend/Family/Lover/Life Mates.

Acceptance is an amazing thing,  so is letting go.

  Moving again,  still in transition it seems.  I am having a hard time swallowing the people and mentalities I have run into recently down here.   The materialistic, arrogant, and superficial nature of a lot of the people I have met is just pissing me off.  

 Clowns,  I see clowns,  people who are all painted and dolled up to accomplish a very small list of odd and retarded goals.

1. Get laid
2. Be better than someone/anyone else
3. Ego boosts or Hit's depending on where the barrel is aimed.
4. Lie about who and what they really are.  (Over use of make up or other "Masks")


 Games,  so many game players.   Most everyone plays games once in a while.  Some are mutually agreed upon contests.  Rules in place.  But others,  are just people who are sucking the life out of others,  degrading,  disparaging and demeaning someone to make themselves feel better, or more important.

Games...

  I am a simple girl and I never will be the kind who is all about appearance,  I almost drowned in that mentality when I was a Jehovah's Witness.   I won't do it now.

Take me as I am or not at all.

So yeah I will be blogging again,  maybe?  Sorta?  We will see.  When I feel like it,  about what I feel like,  if ya don't like it.  Click that red x at the top of yer screen.   Won't hurt my feelings a bit.

And if ya don't like it.

"It's Not my problem"

I just took a knee,

I cleared my head,

I felt,

smelled

listened

I heard nature,

Always around me no matter where I am in some degree

I felt warm sun,

Always comes up,

I smelled flowers,

Always something blooming somewhere

My beliefs when it comes to the universe around us?

Why we are here?

How we got here?

Why continue even tho shit sucks?

Because,

I heard nature,

Always around me no matter where I am in some degree

I felt warm sun,

Always comes up,

I smelled flowers,

Always something blooming somewhere.

Blessed Be!

Lilith
)O(