I am afraid, we all get that way I think. Unsure, uncertainty, unknowns. I find myself worried even tho I have taken good steps to better my future. I have a Job now, but transportation is going to be a problem.
Recently I was told by a friend that I was waiting for people to do things for me. That I was too reliant on other people. Mmh. Ya know what. Sometimes you need the help of yer friends even on a temporary basis just to get yer footing. I can get to my job. But getting home.. I get out at 12:30 am and there are no buses running at that time. Not one of my friends has offered help even tho I offer gas. It is a training class for the job for 3 weeks only. Then i work from home. I just need a hand for 3 weeks.
Not one has offered. I have no idea how I am going to do this. The class is 11 miles away and all I need is a kind soul who will help me for that time period. I am afraid I will not be able to make the course. Then the steps I have taken so far in getting good solid work will fail. Square one.
Is it really wrong to ask for that kind of help. I do not have the money to afford 50 bucks a night to get home. But I cannot afford not to get this job.
What do you do?
As for the friend who said I am waiting for everyone else to do shit for me? Guess what, take a look in the mirror. How much of yer life have you spent reliant on someone because you do not want to "Give up your life" or have to work so hard to get what you get now. Even tho it is darkened by abusive man?
Judge me not. I have pulled for myself for a very long time. Hypocrite.
I have continued to find myself in a state of What The Actual Fuck. (WTAF) People, I cannot and will not try to understand them anymore. They say one thing, do another. Very few have proven themselves to be true friends.
Those who have I will cherish until the day I die.
So I am not sure I will be able to swing this without a little aid from my friends. I am so tired of every triumph being met with yet another reason It could fail in the long run. I keep swinging, trying and attempting to solve the problems.
My hands, however, are tied in this matter. I do not even want to talk to anyone right now, even those few who have proven themselves friends. I am tired of being judged and won't allow it. What is the balance? How do I meet in the middle, when no one seems to want to meet me there?
I pity anyone who needs me for anything but has for any reason refused to be there for me. I am over being available. But rarely having the availability of my friends. Do not come to me, for a damn thing, unless you can say "I have given and am worthy of some understanding in return."
I am done with people
I am done with selfishness
I am done with takers
I am done giving and being forgotten.
Your loss, I know my worth, the good I have to offer people. If they do not wish to enjoy that which I offer. I do not wish to call them friend.
Just a little effort
goes a long way.
Lilith
)O(
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