What things?
Mostly Me, My perceptions, my desires, and my ability to avoid giving into most impulses. I have become better at it. But I dunno if it's right to do that? At least with all of them.
Trying to understand if I am right about grasping for all the good around me. Or if its wrong to, Grinning from ear to ear. Trying to understand why others avoid all of them for some reason. I dunno how to not try to understand the reasons, part of my makeup and I am fighting it. Question everything, learn and expand my own mind that way, Whether it be about Sex religion, philosophy, people's behaviors. I dunno how to change some of my own reactions and emotions. Feeling like a struggling Vulcan. I hate that I feel I have to. For Survival, my own mental health. I have always followed my heart and tempered it with my mind. Right now both are telling me similar things about a lot of situations. They are validating each other. What I have known and learned about people in my life is telling me I am right in my perceptions for the most part. I have made lists, and written out my thoughts read and re read them. Situations, actions, people and their mixed signals and behaviors.
So many confusing me. Actions not matching their words. Is why I say I am Trying or refuse to try and understand anymore. Anything, anyone, any action people take. Trying to find the balance between doing that, and burying my own needs wants and desires in the process. I used to do that. Bury my own needs for others. I won't anymore.
I am excited about so much in my life right now. Changes happening in me. Physical Mental and emotional. Even some spiritual. New reactions from me. Things I felt were so important even 6 months ago now are so pale in comparison to things I am seeing as necessary. Wanted, not needed. I am so sure about so much right now. Unsure about a few things but they are trivial and unnecessary worries so I am shelving them. Will work themselves out on their own. Just that kind of weird situations.
I am trying to not care about things I do not think I have the ability to be complacent about. My heart won't let me. I feel the resolve seeping back into me I had when I looked at my Mother at 18 and said
"I don't want this religion, I don't want this life. I see and need better"
I am afraid people will fall away when it kinda cements in my personality. I know some will. Uncertain about others. I refuse not to reach for what I know is good, and I want. I refuse not to reach for what I am told repeatedly is unattainable. I know those things are not only attainable, but good and beneficial, not just for myself but those I love as well. I refuse.... REFUSE, to believe my gut, which has never steered me wrong once, only if I did not heed its warnings did i suffer.
*sigh* Its not a bad thing I am going thru by any means. Its, an Lesson for me in the right way to think and perceive. Always learning, with every other view I take in. I have, it seems, learned quite well how to compartmentalize my worries when it comes to other people. Their paths and trials. Only a couple people still remain in my "You hurt them you hurt me, and you dun wanna mess with my family" mentality. Which is good. De-Globalized my heart. Localized and re-prioritized.
Why people choose those who will hurt them, who will leave them, who will not respect and return their awesomeness.
Why do they? This is one of the questions I wrote out in a Text Doc and tried to work out. Many reasons. My conclusion after going thru some behavioral Texts I downloaded. People are afraid of what is not familiar. No matter how good, peaceful or rewarding something is. Humans seem to choose the Familiar even if it is less than healthy or even beneficial. Even if it means swallowing things they could not.
Would that be listed under a kind of Cognitive Dissonance? *sigh*
I am trying to make some of it. Have been for weeks. But it's not bringing me down. Oddly its grounding me to do it. I feel more rooted in myself, more sure of my ability, more certain I am not wrong to follow my gut. It's just how I go about following it that will make the difference. So I again am just listening, observing, spouting my 2 cents once I process things. But I feel like I need, more input. More information, more experience with the things I am analyzing.
I feel stronger than I have in over 3 or 4 years. Since the radio station. But I am also at a point where I am not sure I want to dig anymore into the information. I am worried, that for the first time in a very long time. My gut is wrong. OR maybe, Again, I am just different from everyone else. My view on things might be odd and misplaced. Not for this world as it is anymore.
Which means I have to figure out a way to whittle my own little hole in society and try and conform in some ways for my own survival. My own mental health and social existence.
*sigh* make sense?
No comments:
Post a Comment