Maybe I was in a state of flux, spinning around emotionally or mentally in some way and I couldn't seem to latch on or anchor myself. I seem to have this propensity for feeling complete only when I have a man in my life to fawn over.
Something I have left in the past.
Anyway, CellBlockSexy, I wheeled up to my seat in the dining room and played with a lil hot wheels car I had been given by a homeless person at a place called "Little House" in Ft Lauderdale. I loved the lil car. I sat at the table shoving it across in front of me between my hands. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed CellBlockSexy had moved around to the right of the table I was sitting at about three feet from me watching as I played with my new toy. I looked up quick and back down. He had a odd grin on his face as he watched.. I grabbed up the car and held it clenched in my hand to my chest and looked at him with a sarcastic not serious scowl.
"Don't look at my car!!! You can't have it!" I spurted and stuck out my tongue placing it on the table sliding it back and forth between my hands again, peering at him over my glasses.
"OK OK!" he said and smiled. I was extremely attracted to this guy. Muscular without being too bumpy or hard. Big blue eyes, and he smelled like freshly laundered bed sheets.
There was a lot of dance involved when we met. No showing of interest, except maybe for the fact he was around an awful lot. Him, me, PrettyBoy, Cicero, and LauraEnglesWilder. The night *I* realized I wanted to know him more we were on the back porch of TheHouse playing spades. The Place was beautiful. Peaceful.
(Yes that's a horseshoe pit)
He ended up being my partner against Cicero and another resident. We instantaneously were able to prompt each other from across the table with no words.
Same wavelength,
I was intrigued.
Our group was serious about recovery. Me and my healing from surgery and them and their sobriety. A lot of the people at TheHouse were not. There for shelter or because the court system put them there. They had a choice, TheHouse or Prison. We all were tired of the drama, the high school bull shit that went on with a lot of the people there. So one night we moved a picnic table around to the far side of the facility and brought some chairs and a radio over, snacks, cards, sketch pads and a portable TV. Our own lil party.
"I Don't want those people around right now. Just our group, just our people" CellBlockSexy said as he wheeled me around to the far side of the building. PrettyBoy, Cicero, LauraEnglesWilder, all in tow.
This time, CellBlockSexy stayed very close. LauraEnglesWilder sat and watched the game with another resident, Cicero sat on a blanket Doodling, PrettyBoy sat with his phone texting, and CellBlockSexy and I sat at the picnic table.
This is where it began with us, We played a game, I called "The Truth Game" I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote at the top;
"TRUTH!"
I turned to him, "Only truth can go on this paper. Are you cool with this game?"
He cocked his head to the side like a dog who heard the word 'treat' or 'car ride'.
"Game?" he asked "OK, sure."
I wrote the first truth on the paper;
We are both cool with this game.
He grinned and I wrote my first personal truth;
I sometimes say things better when I write them down -Lilith
I slipped the paper to him and he grinned as he read it and nodded.
"I understand that Lilith," he took the pen, "My turn?"
I nodded and PrettyBoy laughed, "Are you guys gonna ignore me all night?"
"No," I said, "But we are playing a game, something I wanna do real quick, can you handle it?"
"Whatever." he said and went back to his phone.
As I spoke to PrettyBoy, CellBlockSexy finished his first truth and slid the paper to me.
I want to give you a kiss on the cheek. -CellBlockSexy
You never have to ask. -Lilith
I wasn't asking I was telling the truth. -CellBlockSexy
I smiled as he slid the paper to me.
I really want to know you, But for some reason I cannot look you in the eyes easily. You Look Like Rain - Morphine -Lilith
Your eyes have a beautiful shape to them, and I don't have a problem looking into them
-CellBlockSexy
I blushed a lil and smiled. I took the paper from him and wrote another truth
Ironically it has nothing to do with what you see physically. It's what you might learn. And for me its an intimate exchange. Its been a long time. -Lilith
He swiftly took the paper scribbled quickly on it in Capitol letters;
TRUTH! I feel very comfortable around you and look forward to seeing you every day. How does it make you feel to look into my eyes?
-CellBlockSexy
I look forward to seeing you too. I haven't looked long enough yet to explain, initially, I feel afraid you wont like what you will see. -Lilith
I am happy with what I see, you have a great personality. -CellBlockSexy
Do you know what I think about? When I see you? Do you want to know? -Lilith
I do! but I also want to know what your intentions for the future are, not just right now.
-CellBlockSexy
I think about this, what we are doing right now. I think about cheek against Cheek, head on chest. Remember what I have shared about myself so far, you cannot scare me. The Future? Too soon. But I truly hope to see you in it. I know I go on about not believing in love. I just need faith rebuilt in it. I am an open book, feel free to thumb through the pages. Some may be stuck together but they can be freed up. -Lilith
He took the paper and smiled letting his knee rest against my hip. The first time our bodies made any contact. I smiled and leaned into it. he smiled and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand.
"So Soft" he grinned and began to write another truth. His left hand wielding the pen his right hand on my knee. I let the heel of my worst foot rest on the toe of his shoes and he smiled back.
That's a positive outlook. But I take life very serious. I am not the fly by night casual relationship kind. I do believe in love. It exists because I have felt it before. I am missing it so much in my life, It is my key to happiness. -CellBlockSexy
Me too on all counts. I am scared to death. Part of why I am afraid to look into your eyes. MyInternationalManOfMystery insisted. I opened up, the real me, the girl. So I am afraid. But I want not to be. I want someone to say what I showed you in the picture I sketched. "Love says, I have seen the ugly parts of you and I am staying." Both Physical and otherwise. Time and Patience is the one thing that is paramount. -Lilith
I am afraid also, to give my all because of my insecurities, my fears. But when I see you, physically or otherwise, I do not see ugly. -CellBlockSexy.
Then don't do it all at once. Small bites, small steps, and you can be sure not to overdose. I will share in the like. I am a little upset at the lack of privacy. We needs some uninhibited sharing. I long for a mind to connect with, the heart and body follows. Let's see if we can make the fear subside. Are you game? - Lilith
Bella Rosa. -CellBlockSexy
We need to find a quiet space to talk and share -Lilith
We can talk in the evening, or morning over coffee? -CellBlockSexy
Aye aye captain, I am usually up at 5:30 am for my Accucheck and insulin. as far as night time, I can sit and chat late night if I do not have an appointment the next day. -Lilith
Sounds about right, can I kiss your cheek now? -CellBlockSexy
Yes, but I want you to pet my head too!!! <-- 3!'s means a lot. -Lilith
And he did, he kissed my cheek and ran his fingers through my hair, as he did, his eyes softened and he sighed i felt his body relax as mine did. I layed back on the picnic bench my head next to his knees and he mindlessly stroked my hair, ran his fingers along my jawline and traced my ear with his fingers. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his legs.
This is when things started to go wrong with me and PrettyBoy. I didn't understand it. But it wasn't long before it was clear, at least in part, his part. Later I learned there was more to it all than I saw. I learned I was oblivious to things that would have helped me.
Jealousy, It's a Bitch.
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