To a rolling boil.

 
  One thing about my time at TheHouse,  I learned that the best way to annoy the naysayers was to simply survive.   To make your way no matter what it is they believe.  To prove not to them,  but yourself they were wrong.

  This is something I will and have taken with me.   The idea that even if you loose everyone.   You still got yourself.   No one can be as good to you as you deserve,  as yourself.   So be good to yourself.  

But at this point in my telling of this story,  I had not learned that completely.  But I did,

The hard way.

  CellBlockSexy and I began to push the limits of our residence.   Sneaking off to quiet corners of the grounds to get some alone time.   One such time we were out behind the back patio on some chairs under that big knotty tree i loved to look at.    My leg over his, wearing one of the wrap around skirts that was given to me by one of the CNA's there.   Heavy petting,  breaking the monotony and boredom of the day together.    I lifted my leg and put my stocking foot over the crotch of his jeans and he slid his hand up my skirt.   Was nice for a moment.   Then,  TheWickedWitchOfTheWest caught us.      

  We got written up,  First offence.  (there were many more, but we ended up talking our way out of them)   Biggest winning argument happened one night when we,  well,   went farther than we had to date.    

  There was a sun room.  Had four couches in it and a couple chairs.   He and I would hang out on them listening to music and being as close as we could.  Whenever the door opened from the dining room we zipped back to opposite sides of the couch and acted like nothing happened.   There is only so much playing you can do before hormones will over take and lovers will take whatever opportunity they can to be together. 

  This particular night I wore my longest most weighty skirt.   I pulled close to him,  I couldn't take it anymore.  SO much tease no real finish.   We got a wild hair and applied protection and I climbed on.   He liked it when I wore my skirts and no underwear.   For this very reason.  Easy access and if we had to move to separate corners of the ring quickly,  we could and I was covered and he was too in his elastic band pants.  

  I climbed on top,   it was very late so most of the other clients were in bed.  He had warned me that once he gets started its almost impossible for him to stop.  

 Before i knew it the couch was rocking under us.  The look on his face when he peered up at me was all it took for me to rock right to the edge.  I felt him swell inside me.  Both of us ready to blow...   We got caught up.  If the Counselor had not made the mistake of tripping up in the hall on the way to the sun room.  She would have caught us.  

  Next thing I know he tosses me off of him.     Yeah,  like I was just a sack of potatoes no real weight.  I sit with my knees to my chest trying not to pant,  he yanks his pants up and pulls his shirt down.   Both of us flushed,  both of us panting.   

"Whats are you guys doing?"

"Nothing"  we chime in together.

"Don't lie to me I saw you."

"Bull shit we weren't doing nothing."  CellBlockSexy  said through winded words.

"CellBockSexy come with me"   

  As they walked away I started to laugh.   The room smelled like sex.   It was obvious even if she didn't see us,  it was dead obvious.   The only sex that room had seen was gay men,  so heterosexual sex smell.   Unmistakable,  I had to laugh.

CellBlockSexy came back and said not to worry,  just go and be respectful.   I did,  part of me wishes I had listened to this woman when she spoke.   She was right,  part of me knew it then.

"Lilith what are you doing?  You are better than this,  worth more than this.   Do you think he will be there later?  He's bored,  your bored,  This is not the place to start this.   I have to write you up.  This is against TheHouse rules."   She sent me back to the sun room and he and I sat there thinking.

"I want to see the hand book."   he said still hard through all of this.   His cock was not small and it was obvious he still had energy built up.   "I want to see where it says I cannot hold your hand,   or hug you,  or give you a kiss."

 He stood up and checked the hallway angle to the window.   She said she saw us in the window.  After further examination we found that was impossible.   Confident we had her we began to mount a defense.  I was close to tears.  Tired of being trapped in that place.   Anxious to be out,  and ready to loose it completely.   tears running I looked up and another member of staff was standing in the hallway.  This guy,  well,  I am half ashamed (only half)  to say I milked his compassion for me.   He had a thing for me.

One day couple weeks before this happened,  This guy and I were alone in the transport van on the way back from an appointment. 

"You know Lilith,  I was trying to figure out who you remind me of,  your personality.   Then it dawned on me when I saw you dressed like you are today."  he said while driving me back to TheHouse from a doctors appointment.  

"You ever watch that show NCIS?"

"Yeah it's one of my favorite shows"  I replied.

"Well you remind me of Abby.  She is my favorite Character,  so hot."

He always went out of his way to say hi.  Ask how I was or if I needed anything.  So when I saw him standing there I turned the water works on full bore.  I balled and ranted. 

"Is everything OK Lilith?"  he asked but as soon as I looked at him and he saw the tears.  The rosy cheeks and the heaving chest.  His face softened and his stature changed.   I already won and I knew it.

"No why can't they just leave us alone?   I am a 40 year old woman,  I am not stupid!"  I said,  although in hind sight.   I really was.  "There are people here with HIV,  do you really think I am that dumb?"  I lamented and pointed to CellBlockSexy  "We were just snuggling watching videos on YouTube.   We find peace with each other.   What do they want?   Us rocking in the corner depressed or do they want us to have good friendships and get along with people."

  I wheeled up to the table and pulled out our tobacco and rolling machine.  Started rolling cigarettes.  He walked over to me and put his hand on the top of my head.   

"It's OK girl,  I'll have a talk with her."  

He did,  and it went away until the next morning.  TheWickedWitchOfTheWest confronted us.  CellBlockSexy took that moment to play our wild card.  He asked me for the Hand Book I had in my bag from the night before and dropped it on the table in front of her.  

"Show me in this handbook where it says I cannot kiss her.  Hold her hand,  or give her a hug?"
He said,  calm and cool.   "These faggots here in this place fuck on that couch all the time.   They do not get any shit for it.   Why do we?"   He crossed his arms  "It's just jealousy.   Pure and Simple.  We know who it is who is talking about us like this."   

  And we did.  Didn't want to see it.  Didn't want to deal with it.  But eventually we had to.

  

Simmerin' not so slowly.....

  We found the time to talk,  share and explore.   Living at TheHouse,  fraternization between the clients was frowned upon.   But where there is a will there is a way right?   The night after we played the truth game we found ourselves back at the picnic tables playing rummy.  It got old quick and I climbed out of my chair and stretched out on top of the picnic table.  He sat on the seat and smiled down at me his fingers in my hair.

"You have a beautiful face,  your eyes and jawline so soft and feminine."  he said as he outlined my Jaw, ear and hairline with his fingers.  "Why do you always put your hair in front of your face?  You should pull it back more often."  He moved my hair behind my ears and kissed my for head.

 He inspired me,  I sketched a lot.   Various things,  just whims mostly;

  A Muse I guess, in the end, it reiterated the definition of one.

One i spewed at HisRoyalRascalness once.

"A Muse is meant to inspire creativity not self improvement or personal growth.  That comes from within."

  I wanted him to touch me.  I wanted to feel his warm skin.  I wanted to be closer.  He did not go beyond hair stroking and kisses on the forehead.  Not until I asked him why he was holding back.   I was not,  as I had thought,  because of TheHouse rules.  He laughed when I asked and shook his head.

"I will not do anything you do not initiate.  I will not assume or take liberties."  He sat back.

  I understood,  I took my hands and placed them on his cheeks pulling him to my face.   

"Well I want to kiss you."  I said.

"Really?"  he joked,  "are you sure?"

So I pulled him in the rest of the way and Kissed him softly.  He groaned,  PrettyBoy was sitting across from us at another table.  

"Oh God guys,"  he said,  "I don't want to see this."  he said and rolled over on the picnic table eyes buried in his phone.  As time went on the next few days,  PrettyBoy became more and more jealous.  Attacking us and our growing relationship.  Criticizing the music we played,  which is one huge thing we had in common.  Angry that we paid so much attention to each other and not him.   Attacking us wherever he could.  Whether it was  consciously or subconsciously,  he started to cause issues. 

  CellBlockSexy really liked PrettyBoy.  Before it became obvious there was jealousy brewing,  we had planned on maybe getting a nice place together the three of us.  Sharing the rent and keeping close.  When things went sour with my PrettyBoy,  I found it changed me.   What little trust I had in me got smashed.   It effected everything there after.   It still does, it probably always will.

  While I was there and in the chair I had PrettyBoy make a run or two to the CVS on the corner.  If I was too tired or my arms hurt too much to scoot my self there and across Federal Highway.  Busy street and not the most attentive of drivers.   It wan't until later I realized how I had been used.  I do not think he did it intentionally.   I think it is just part of the sickness of drug addiction.  I Forgive him,  and I miss him.  I wish him all the luck in the world.   

  I would send him over for something,  chocolate when I had PMS for example.  Tell him he could get something for himself.   He would come back with 3 bags full of things and disapear to his room with all but what I asked for.  I didn't see what was happening.   Until one night I sent him on a run for Soda and snacks.   I turned to CellBlockSexy.

 "What Kind of soda do you drink?"  I asked.  He shrugged and squeezed my hand, 

"You don't have to get me anything."  he said and ran his hand along my leg which was rested over his knee.  "I'm fine."

"OK one more time,"  I said and I bent my leg gripping his knee with it lifting myself up and closer to him.  Peering over my glasses at him.  "What kind of soda do you drink?"

He laughed and squeezed my thigh.  "Pepsi,  or Mountain Dew"  

I looked at PrettyBoy and said  "OK then SodaPop for us all and get a bag of those gold fish."

"Oh!  I love goldfish!"  CellBlockSexy interjected.

"Wonderful."  I said and handed PrettyBoy my Food Stamp card.  "Get yourself a snack too.  Thank you for doing this."

  While PrettyBoy went on the run it left CellBlockSexy and I some alone time.  We kissed and talked.  It felt so good to be close to him.  He kissed me once and pulled back.   His hand gently caressing my jawline and ear.

 "You are so kind and giving, and you do it without hesitation.  That is so rare Lilith."  He kissed me a lil deeper than he had so far,  this time his tongue separating my lips.  He took the breath from me, and I heard PrettyBoy's voice.

  "Jesus you guys.  Give it a break,  I am here now,  try not to stay in yer own world all the time."  He said as I turned and looked at him.   There was a small lurch,  nothing big.   It should have been huge. It wasn't until CellBlockSexy and I were alone that I really began to see exactly what had been happening.  Again whether intentional or not.  It happened and this is when things began to really heat up.   Both between myself and CellBlockSexy and PrettyBoy.

  

Into the fire.

      Maybe I was in a state of flux,  spinning around emotionally or mentally in some way and I couldn't seem to latch on or anchor myself.  I seem to have this propensity for feeling complete only when I have a man in my life to fawn over.

Something I have left in the past.

  Anyway,  CellBlockSexy,  I wheeled up to my seat in the dining room and played with a lil hot wheels car I had been given by a homeless person at a place called "Little House"  in Ft Lauderdale.   I loved the lil car.   I sat at the table shoving it across in front of me between my hands.  Out of the corner of my eye I noticed CellBlockSexy had moved around to the right of the table I was sitting at about three feet from me watching as I played with my new toy.   I looked up quick and back down.  He had a odd grin on his face as he watched..  I grabbed up the car and held it clenched in my hand to my chest and looked at him with a sarcastic not serious scowl.

  "Don't look at my car!!!  You can't have it!"  I spurted and stuck out my tongue placing it on the table sliding it back and forth between my hands again,  peering at him over my glasses.

  "OK OK!" he said and smiled.   I was extremely attracted to this guy.  Muscular without being too bumpy or hard.  Big blue eyes,  and he smelled like freshly laundered bed sheets.

  There was a lot of dance involved when we met.  No showing of interest, except maybe for the fact he was around an awful lot.  Him,  me, PrettyBoy, Cicero, and LauraEnglesWilder.  The night *I* realized I wanted to know him more we were on the back porch of TheHouse playing spades.  The Place was beautiful.  Peaceful.  

(Yes that's a horseshoe pit)

He ended up being my partner against Cicero and another resident.   We instantaneously were able to prompt each other from across the table with no words.

Same wavelength,  
I was intrigued.


  Our group was serious about recovery.  Me and my healing from surgery and them and their sobriety.  A lot of the people at TheHouse were not.   There for shelter or because the court system put them there.  They had a choice, TheHouse or Prison.   We all were tired of the drama, the high school bull shit that went on with a lot of the people there.   So one night we moved a picnic table around to the far side of the facility and brought some chairs and a radio over, snacks,  cards,  sketch pads and a portable TV.  Our own lil party.

"I Don't want those people around right now.  Just our group,  just our people"  CellBlockSexy said as he wheeled me around to the far side of the building.  PrettyBoy, Cicero, LauraEnglesWilder, all in tow.

This time,  CellBlockSexy stayed very close.   LauraEnglesWilder sat and watched the game with another resident,  Cicero sat on a blanket Doodling,  PrettyBoy sat with his phone texting,  and CellBlockSexy and I sat at the picnic table.

This is where it began with us,  We played a game,  I called "The Truth Game"   I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote at the top;

 
  "TRUTH!"

I turned to him,  "Only truth can go on this paper.  Are you cool with this game?"

 He cocked his head to the side like a dog who heard the word 'treat'  or 'car ride'.

"Game?"  he asked  "OK,  sure."

I wrote the first truth on the paper;

We are both cool with this game.

He grinned and I wrote my first personal truth;

I sometimes say things better when I write them down  -Lilith

I slipped the paper to him and he grinned as he read it and nodded.

"I understand that Lilith,"  he took the pen,  "My turn?"

I nodded and PrettyBoy laughed,  "Are you guys gonna ignore me all night?"

"No,"  I said,   "But we are playing a game,  something I wanna do real quick,  can you handle it?"

"Whatever."  he said and went back to his phone.

As I spoke to PrettyBoy,  CellBlockSexy finished his first truth and slid the paper to me.

I want to give you a kiss on the cheek.  -CellBlockSexy

You never have to ask.  -Lilith

I wasn't asking I was telling the truth.  -CellBlockSexy

I smiled as he slid the paper to me.

I really want to know you,    But  for some reason I cannot look you in the eyes easily.  You Look Like Rain - Morphine   -Lilith

Your eyes have a beautiful shape to them, and I don't have a problem looking into them 
-CellBlockSexy

I blushed a lil and smiled.  I took the paper from him and wrote another truth

  Ironically it has nothing to do with what you see physically.  It's what you might learn.  And for me its an intimate exchange.  Its been a long time.  -Lilith

He swiftly took the paper scribbled quickly on it in Capitol letters;

TRUTH!  I feel very comfortable around you and look forward to seeing you every day.  How does it make you feel to look into my eyes?
 -CellBlockSexy

I look forward to seeing you too.   I haven't looked long enough yet to explain,  initially,  I feel afraid you wont like what you will see.  -Lilith

I am happy with what I see,  you have a great personality.  -CellBlockSexy

Do you know what I think about?  When I see you?  Do you want to know?  -Lilith

I do!  but I also want to know what your intentions for the future are, not just right now. 
-CellBlockSexy

I think about this,  what we are doing right now.  I think about cheek against Cheek,   head on chest.  Remember what I have shared about myself so far,  you cannot scare me.  The Future?  Too soon.  But I truly hope to see you in it.  I know I go on about not believing in love.  I just need faith rebuilt in it.   I am an open book,  feel free to thumb through the pages.   Some may be stuck together but they can be freed up.  -Lilith

He took the paper and smiled letting his knee rest against my hip.  The first time our bodies made any contact.  I smiled and leaned into it.  he smiled and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand.

"So Soft"  he grinned and began to write another truth.  His left hand wielding the pen his right hand on my knee.  I let the heel of my worst foot rest on the toe of his shoes and he smiled back.

That's a positive outlook. But I take life very serious.  I am not the fly by night casual relationship kind.  I do believe in love. It exists because I have felt it before.  I am missing it so much in my life,  It is my key to happiness.  -CellBlockSexy

Me too on all counts.  I am scared to death.  Part of why I am afraid to look into your eyes. MyInternationalManOfMystery insisted.  I opened up,  the real me, the girl.  So I am afraid.  But I want not to be.  I want someone to say what I showed you in the picture I sketched.  "Love says,  I have seen the ugly parts of you and I am staying."  Both Physical and otherwise.  Time and Patience is the one thing that is paramount.  -Lilith

I am afraid also,  to give my all because of my insecurities,  my fears.  But when I see you, physically or otherwise,   I do not see ugly.  -CellBlockSexy.

Then don't do it all at once.  Small bites, small steps, and you can be sure not to overdose.  I will share in the like.  I am a little upset at the lack of privacy.  We needs some uninhibited sharing.  I long for a mind to connect with,  the heart and body follows.  Let's see if we can make the fear subside.  Are you game?  - Lilith

Bella Rosa.   -CellBlockSexy

We need to find a quiet space to talk and share  -Lilith

We can talk in the evening,  or morning over coffee? -CellBlockSexy

Aye aye captain,  I am usually up at 5:30 am for my Accucheck and insulin.  as far as night time,  I can sit and chat late night if I do not have an appointment the next day.  -Lilith

Sounds about right,  can I kiss your cheek now? -CellBlockSexy

Yes,  but I want you to pet my head too!!!  <-- 3!'s means a lot.  -Lilith

  And he did,  he kissed my cheek and ran his fingers through my hair,  as he did,  his eyes softened and he sighed i felt his body relax as mine did.  I layed back on the picnic bench my head next to his knees and he mindlessly stroked my hair,  ran his fingers along my jawline and traced my ear with his fingers.   I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his legs.

  This is when things started to go wrong with me and PrettyBoy.   I didn't understand it.  But it wasn't long before it was clear,  at least in part,  his part.   Later I learned there was more to it all than I saw.  I learned I was oblivious to things that would have helped me.

Jealousy,  It's a Bitch.

Gliding across the stove.......

  As I said,  first person I remember meeting was PrettyBoy.   He was a Meth addict who was there for a brainwash.  You could tell as soon as you met him he was a hard core drug user.   We hit it off instantly.  I am not sure why,  but we did.   Inseparable,  utterly and completely inseparable.  We ate together, sat together, and smoked together.  He was gay (like most of the men there)  And I was his fruit fly!

  I doubt he will ever see this blog.  But if he does,  I hope he will forgive my next paragraph.   One thing you have to learn about me is my writing I do not hold back.   I speak my view,  if you don't like it don't read.

Truth,  my drug of choice.

 I call him PrettyBoy not because he was pretty,  not that he was ugly.  I call him that because he is his biggest fan.  Always asking people to snap pictures of him for his social networking sites, changing clothes and dressing up for every possible occasion.  When I finally got my things from BlueShirt,  PrettyBoy snatched the wings up that I wore to my wedding and put them on.

"Hey, Nelly Olson,"  he said,  he called me that because I was a girl and in a wheel chair like Nelly Olson on Little House on the Prarie  "Take a picture of me with these on,  can I have em?"  I laughed and snapped the pictures.  He was always asking for things.  Or more properly stated,  he always is looking for something to add to his collection of things.

He made me feel at home where I had not felt that in a long time.  Felt like I truly connected with someone.   I met a lot of cool people at TheHouse.  I asked all of them before I took a pic if I could put them in my blog once I could get on the ball again.   Those that said yes I will post the rest are for my personal memory.

  Lets see, names for all these people......

Lets call this guy,  *thinks*  Johnson yes that seems perfect,  We will call the first one Johnson.    Not that I ever saw his cock in the flesh.  Gay as hell,  but you cant hide a sausage that size in a pair of jogging shorts or a speedo.   (not that he tried.)

This guy,  he was the most real and kindest man I met at TheHouse.  Jamaican and always smiling!   He had a wife on the islands and was here to make some money.  But in the mean time got sick and had to recoup before he could head back to his home and her.  Diabetic like me and two times the spunk.   (If you can imagine that)

  Name for this one,  ended up being one of my best friends there.  Roomates for most of the time and really understood each other.  AHHH  if I was NellyOlsen,  then this girl,  she was Laura Engles Wilder!   I miss her a lot.  I should call,  I will call.

This guy,  I miss him as much as Laura.  I dunno why I liked him so much.  He was kind,  funny, and he loved a good dirty joke!  Name,  Hmmm...   I dun even know.  AHH omg..  Cicero!  perfect.  My favorite Jester.


  All of the people I met at TheHouse touched me in some way.  Whether positive or negative they all made a mark.   I think,  nay,  I know I left one too.   couple days after I got there,  a client opened the door for me,  one who came into TheHouse after me so I introduced myself.   He laughed and pushed my wheelchair through the door.

"I know your name,  everyone does."

  Yeah wasn't really sure how to take that.  It actually bothered me for a while.  How did I get a rep 3 days after getting here?

 Later he said it was because I was the first person a lot of people saw come in and keep a smile,  talk to everyone whether on the Rehab or on the Respite side of the facility.  

"That's why they know you,  you talk to everyone.  You're nice."

I felt a lil better after that.  But as with everything.  You cannot please everyone.  No matter what you do in your life there will always be someone somewhere who hates it.   Start a foundation to save the Huntsman Spider and someone will hate you because they hate spiders!

   There weren't many,  but there were a couple there who hated my positive and bubbly personality.   One was a nurse,  who we will call,  TheWickedWitchOfTheWest.   She refused me medications a few times because I was a couple minutes late to get them.   I didn't raise a stink.   The  meds were not Important really.  But when she refused my Insulin because I was a bit late....   She earned a Resident Write Up.

  Once the write up was in she lied to the Administrators,  told them she tested my sugar and it was to low,  which is why she refused my insulin.

OH HELL NO

I ended up with a 450 blood sugar at lunch because this bitch wanted to be a control freak.   And she tells them its because my sugar was to low.   So,  my favorite nurse is on at this point and I went in and asked her to see my Glucometer,  I record the info on the chip that shows my sugar had not been tested that day until after 11 30 am.  And took it to TheWickedWitchOfTheWest.

She left me the hell alone.

But I get ahead of myself.   A lot happened before this.  A whole lot.   I am not sure exactly how I am gonna convey it,  unsure I should convey it all, but here we go.

  One day,  after a long day out of the facility with doctors and tests I came back in time for dinner.   There was a new guy,  this guy was beautiful.   Now I wasn't about to let him see me looking.   He was nice to look at so far and I was not at all interested in Men other than to look at the pretty ones.   And this dude was very hot.  CellBlockSexy,  That's what I will call this one.  Bald, tall, muscular, and the bluest eyes I have ever seen.  I am not completely proud of everything I am going to share,  I am  ashamed of some.   But its all part of the ride,  the journey to where I am and will be.  I have to be honest hey?  When I say things have changed for me,  it has in a large way.

  CrazyDogLady is Born

Keep on Moving
Lilith
)O(

Out of the Frying pan.......

  It's been an amazing and scary 4 or 5 months for me.  I lost a lot of pieces of me,  pieces of my life,  pieces of my heart.  Find myself in a position now we're all the friends had are gone.  I've made new ones and lost some of them as well.   Where to start?   I'm not even sure I guess I'll start just after Christmas my last blog I believe was, unfortunately, me  justifying peoples ideals on me being worthless or not worth their time because I did not do, act, say or be exactly what it is they thought I should be.  So let's start from there.

The morning of December 24th I had a second operation they removed the pinky toe and part of my right foot.   At this point I'm in a wheelchair trying hard to heal and get back on my feet kind of but literally.

  Everyone disappeared even more when I ended up in the hospital. the only Visitors I got while there was My KnightInAShiningMercedes,  BlueShirt, and TheShocker.  you all should remember them from previous Blogs. BlueShirt had just come to drop off my things and tell me I couldn't stay with him anymore and to wish me a well hereafter.   Then he disappeared for the most part.

My Knight?  He brought me things to keep me occupied in the hospital.  Sketchpads, Magazines colored pencils,  and chocolate.  (not the best choice for a diabetic so he ate it)  He sat with me and we watched the game.  Some football playoff I wasn't really interested in. But I watched along with him to be a good "host".  I was grateful he was there.  Grateful for the company and really very scared.  All I wanted to do is crawl into his lap.  I needed to be held,  feel warm and loved,   The emptiness I had experienced the previous two months was pushing me to hate living.  After the surgery,  it wasn't much better.

  I had gone to the emergency room one night after work. My Right foot had a sore on it,  large but it didn't seem to be too bad.  My left foot,  had what I thought was a bigger sore.  It stunk and was full of fluid.  I was scared especially since the smell was detectable to others.  BlueShirt had noticed it.

 When I went to the ER  I was rather fucked up.  Coke,  alcohol,  and pot.  So the waiting room was not unbearable it was actually quite entertaining.  A woman there was rocking back and forth in her chair moaning like she was going to give birth.  Her moans increasing in volume to a climax and relaxing again as if riding a wave of contractions.   Her hair was matted like it hadn't been washed or combed for days.  When she walked by me the fact she was trembling and had track marks on her arms told me she was a addict looking for a fix,  not giving birth. (I hope)  Not that the smell wasn't also a dead give away.  Once in,  the nurse took one look at my feet and told me I was going to have to be admitted.  The next day I was corrected on my thoughts concerning the state of my feet/

  I knew It was bad but I had no idea.  I was also wrong about which foot was the worst.  My left,  Dr Zofaghari  cleaned up first.   She looked up at me and smiled.

  "See this foot is fine.  needs to heal but the only problem is it had water in the wound.  So no more getting it wet.  Not until it heals."  She went to the other foot and poked around,  she started cutting off the Necrotic flesh and looked up at me from between my toes.  "Emmy,  this one is not good.  Its 3 times bigger than the other and I think...."  She said as she put her metal Tool into the sore on my foot.   My skin crawled when I felt and heard her hit bone.  "If there is infection in this bone I am going to have to remove it."

  "The sore it self,"   she went on to say  "Is on the ball of yer pinky toe.  So I will have to remove the toe and down to here."   She pointed half way down my foot from my toe to heal.  "So lets get some Xrays.  But I need to tell you I do not think you will be able to keep it."

  She shook my hand and left the room,  I started to cry.  It was December 23rd.  Not that I had any hope of a christmas with anyone,  but in the hospital?  When she returned after the xrays she informed me the infection was well into the bone.  Surgery was scheduled for the 24th.

Christmas eve

Wonderful,  perfect, Merry Fucken Christmas.

  For the sake of time and too much to read.   Surgery went well,  no one there.  I cried going in.  I got hysterical.  They has to sedate me.   Then,  they put me under once my heart rate came down.  When I woke up from the surgery I was greeted with the worst pain I had ever felt.  Ironically it wasn't my feet.   Well,  not just my feet,  my body from my waist to my toes felt as if they were being stabbed repeatedly with lil Forks.  I screamed before my eyes were even open.  When I did  reach for the call button a nurse was already over me.   I couldn't think,   All I could focus on was the pain.

  "My legs and hips,"  I shouted  "Like I am being stabbed all over."  I writhed on the bed,  never felt anything like it.  Wide spread and excruciating.  I wanted to move and squirm as the pain hit but any movement on the bed even the sheets coming across my bare legs lightly caused so much pain I thought I was going to die.

"Ahhh,"  the nurse said  "Yes sometimes after anesthesia,  especially the dose you were given with the sedative,  it can cause your nerves to not wake up so well"   She moved to her Medicine cart with a speed that suggested a great deal of empathy.  "Here,  this will help"  She said as she injected a clear liquid into my IV.


3
2
1
My heart grew warm like an explosion in my chest.  (a pleasant one)
My body relaxed.
The pain melted away

  Here is a moment we all have (unless you just do not like it)  where we say to ourselves  "No wonder people get addicted to this stuff."    It felt like pure awesome exploded in my chest and as it radiated outward it melted away any pain I was feeling.  I looked up at her tears in my eyes.

"Dilaudid"  I said

"Dilaudid"  She nodded.

Well Paint me blue and call me a smurf,   If I could walk  at that point I would have wanted to walk to the park and lay in the grass.

"That pain you just felt,"  She said, as if educating me on the trials of others.  Like some public service announcement.   "That is what people with fibromyalgia suffer daily.  But They cant take that for the pain."   I remembered my sister at this point and some others who had it.

  Asleep again, bliss.


  I Spent 3 days healing,  antibiotics and then a nurse came to visit me.  Said they needed to know where I was going after  discharge.

  "I know your last roommate kicked you out.  Any other options?"  She said with little or none of the empathy the nurse who stopped my pain displayed.

 "Nowhere, none"  I said.

  Your friend told me the situation and he thought you might like TheHouse for your recovery.  So I am having 2 women from there come and see you now.  We are discharging you today to them if they accept you."  She scribbled on her paper and turned to me holding the clipboard and pen out to me.  Universal 'please sign this' body language.

  When they walked in I wasn't really sure what to think of them or the place they were sending me.  the nurse said it was assisted Living facility and these women would fill me in on the rest.

  It was a short interview.   Then I was discharged to the facility which was only 3 blocks from the hospital.  Unfortunately they gave me my last dose of Dilaudid before I went so there isn't much I remember.  Was on heavy pain killers and very depressed.  My memory comes back when I met "PrettyBoy".  This is also when I remembered something I was told by the women who interviewed me for the home.

  TheHouse was not only a Assisted living facility but also a Drug rehab.  So half was for people on medical respite and the other half was a behavioral rehab for drug addicts.  Most of the men there were gay.  When I met "PrettyBoy"  I remembered what the women had said.   A large portion if not all of the drug rehab is HIV positive.

  Neither of these facts really bothered me.  There was the initial stigma related Thoughts and feelings.   Then the part of my brain that has been educated on HIV and on the Gay community kicked in and I had no problem co Existing with them.   It was actually quite a trip.

I am going to delve this out in parts.   Its a long story a lot of notes to go through.  I haven't had a computer until last week and internet was inaccessible unless I was at a hospital.
Grab some popcorn.  This story,  in my biased opinion, is a doozey.