This is how it has been for us my Mojo. At first just jaw dropping similarities that made us both back up a sec and go "No way". This lasted not even a day and we were checking each other's stats again making sure we had the right information. Then we dug deeper. Fears and expectations, what we wanted from our lives and what we wanted IN them. All the while exploring the sexual and sensual sides of each other in the best way possible in this venue. Text and audio and video exchange. Most of it being banter and tease. What really can you accomplish in this venue?
More than you think, and not nearly as much as is necessary.
We have spent a lot of time together. He has seen me in total fuck off mode. Screaming at shit and people out loud when no one but him can hear. Crying from my toes at nothing really. He as seen me scared to death and in pain physically. I have seen him in all but one of the same. Until recently.
Pain changes people...
I cannot wait until all of the things I see in pictures is no longer in pictures but reality. I watch him fall to sleep and he watches me sleep as he gets ready for work.
We kiss goodbye
Or hello!
I am done with the wait!!!
I been asked many things when people ask about who he is and whats going on. Most popular comes in many varieties.
"Isn't that crazy?"
"You don't think that's a little crazy?"
"He could be a freak"
Yes it is
Yes he Could be
I am a little bit Crazy
He is a little bit Crazy
So what? He is a hard worker, has respect. A kind of respect you do not see here in the USA. Sorry boys. Different, not better, just different. Why not go fer it? So I am. Three more days and I will be able to learn even move about this guy who has utterly blown me away and he hasn't even kissed me yet.
Yep spending Thanks Giving alone again this year. But Ironically, I don't feel so alone. I have had an amazing day of gaming till I couldn't see no more and most of all quite. Peace and calm and some badly needed nesting. Making space for someone, making it comfy.
I haven't spoken nearly as much as I have wanted to in the ex JW community online in a very long time. I have watched the banter, same old thing.
"We were wronged, terrible things, they are evil." I screamed it too out loud on YouTube. Thinking bout linking a couple. But I am still in a little fear my family may have seen some of them. Also fear they have not. I don't know. They are the kind that would, if found and no one has said anything would just not mention it. Leave it to the wind. I do not know. But those of you who know me know. I screamed at the top of my lungs for a long time on YouTube angry... SO angry. They do it to same words. They feel hurt, they are evil.
After a while all it became is exactly what my husband called it.
Emotional Masturbation;
It wasn't getting me anywhere anymore personally, I wasn't getting anymore anger out I was getting angrier. I had to stop. I believe it was a large part of MY dagger in the heart of our marriage. My obsession with the organization.
I Let it go.... I sat packing my things. Realizing my Marriage was over and it wasn't just my marriage I let go. I let go of a lot of things. They all seemed so utterly small and insignificant. The whole experience reached in and adjusted the lens on my view on life so dramatically. I saw things in bigger detail. Or maybe in some cases less detail. More focused on things closer too me. It felt good. I started to feel lighter.
I moved on in life to Ft Lauderdale learned a couple more bumpy lessons in letting go and am settled, at least for now, in Tampa. I say "And for now" because you just never know in life. Morpheous always said I just couldn't sit still. Yeah, you're right and I am starting to think that's what keeps me looking not so 40. It's when you stop moving. That's when it creeps up on ya and gets you in the ass.
Keep moving, keep learning those lessons, and keep living. The only other option is death, and it's not that I am afraid of it. I just ain't ready for it. Starting a new life, with a new guy in a leap of faith that my gut tells me is landing in the safe zone.
Which leads me back to the whole point of this blog in a odd way. It's a gut feeling, same one I had when I realized the organization was a scam. The Jehovah's Witnesses is just the unknowing salesmen of a publishing Corporation. Certainty that I have found a truth in something that will set me free.
Now I just read that and realized there will be several reactions would you like me to blow some minds cuz yeah, let me step into the "Faithful Jehovah's Witness" head real fast.
Extreme reaction?
<Enter gasp squeak squeal or even scream here as a mouse moves quickly jerks or even almost or does fly off the table> Thoughts fly through their head, How do I open the history, oh god if my wife/parents/sibling/roommate/friend sees this he will tell the elders and I could be disfellowshipped. (like they found porn or something)
some might actually call their family member in to show them and comment on the horrible death apostate like me would experience at the hand of Jehovah's Angels at Armageddon. The Falsehoods I am spreading.
To those of you who reacted that way and have continued reading. No it's not, and I am not gonna link you anything. If you can read this and understand it you can Google enough to get what you need. It's not bullshit. Here I will give you this much. Jehovah's Witnesses were aligned with the United Nations. You know the one they talk all evil and bad about in Revelation. So just copy "United Nations and Jehovah's Witnesses"
By all means... Pass it on.
I told my mother this one day and let it go was the same day I was doing the laundry and packing to leave the house my husband and I lived in. I stopped talking to my mother about religion, just life. I stopped really talking about it for a while. Moved to Ft Lauderdale and something odd happened. I started to blossom. I made friends, social life soared, a little to hard in many ways. As is expected after a divorce and a rather sedentary life. Emotionally tho, it was sorely needed. My heath suffered, but I continued to focus on me the lens got another adjustment. I took another look around. In the time I spent in Ft Lauderdale I was honest always with my mother. Her with me. When I had to leave Ft Lauderdale our relationship grew to the point that when I called her and said;
"Mommy he hurt me."
She knew I would not call and say that if it was emotional, I can take a shit load of emotional. The phone went quiet for a few seconds and our neighbor handed me a cigarette mumbling he would kick his ass if he ever saw it happen. My mothers voice back on the phone in that short moment,
"We will be in 48 hours" I cried as she said "I wish you would stop letting men in who hurt you. Just be with you Snoo. Get packed."
In that moment I looked back. Truth is, if it was ever truly dire, They have always been there. No questions always some stipulations. Now as things are changing. And they have changed as I have mentioned in my previous blogs. The stipulations are not as.. Fanatical but more practical and to me much more acceptable. ;D I love rhymin' Werds!!!!
Yes I still have some anger, a lot of it. I don't think it will ever go away. But I now realize where the anger is directed. I focused the beam and its intensity. I refuse to burn it out. I am goin' at it slowly. But once it breaks through. It will be the hottest I can be. And at the right moment for me, and them.
I Think my mother is having a crisis of conscience no joke, Truly. I see it, I see her mind catching on things, she goes to say something and she cant believe she is or did. The cognitive dissonance is leaking out of her pours. I refuse to poke it. I am letting it happen. I cannot unplug her myself. Too long in, the wires are worn and weak. I am afraid it will cause system shutdown. She has to on her own or not at all. I am fine with that. We have a good relationship now. She said she is happy to see me lay my yellow brick road as long as I am smiling as I lay the bricks.
I am covered in cement and gold flecks grinning like a lunatic.
We as Ex JW's need to also let go of this thing that was planted in us as we grew up in the Organization. The looking for perfection. That there is or will be any such thing. Let it go...
There will always be imperfection. But that is the only reason the good is so fucken fantastic.
I haven't felt real and true love.. In a very long time. Not really, I have in the emotional sense for a while now. Soon it will be in my physical space and I am feeling completely and utterly scattered. But organized! It's so weird, my mother actually did the mom thing today when she came over. Walked thru looked at the place.
"Looks good, looks good! The boys helping ya?" she asked
She means the roommates Sheldon and, shit.. Name name... Sheldon and, Fuck it, Leonard. Told her they were and she nodded
"Good good"
So I am scattered, but not lost!
You can have a relationship Most of you can. It took years, a lot of Compromise. Hell we want them to let us be us..
Let them be them, and they are Jehovah's Witnesses....
This has been my problem for weeks now. Since my last blog entry I have been overloaded with things to share and rant about. Rant... not everything is or would have been a rant. Much of it has been wonderful.
In fact, most of it has inspired utter and complete awe.
The title of this blog is what I have been asking myself every day when I open this template.
And it has been EVERY DAY.
Where do I Start?? My head has been filled with things.
Gonna just go with my thoughts.
Florida being too stoned or Stupid to get to the poles and legalizing the one thing I have found that would take away all but one of the 8 pills I take daily. really pisses me off, Marijuana. The ones that make people like me who smoke it so she can actually walk without spilling her coffee all over the place look bad. That was the reason you know? My neighbors smoke it. Everyone I know save for 2 or 3 people smoke it. So, either we got stoned and missed it, OR Florida state voters really support the big corporation and spreading synthetic chemical use. Personally I think it's more of a nice blend of both sprinkled with a bit of people not educating themselves and just believing everything they see on TV and the news. One such person is one of my roommates.
I have spent the better part of the last four weeks with no pain relief. As a recap and information for anyone who is just catching up and do not know the back round. I have had 4 surgeries in the last 2 years on my feet. Worn shoes that keep my feet at an angle to leave pressure off the balls of my feet and on my heel. Well I am well heeled now and can walk. Due to the surgeries, however, I now deal with bone pain in my feet and joint pain in my ankles, left knee, and left hip. I am sorry tell me to take Tylenol I will tell you to fuck off. Trust me, I try. Yeah it takes away the headache I get from all the stress the pain causes. Cuz i don't bitch about it. I keep it inside. The tears, the times I wanna yes "FUCK" every time i step and my toes want to stay curled but are forced to flatten out. So 4 weeks with little or no relief the past 4 or 5 days has been hell after the kitchen over haul, car accident and my bed room empty and scrub down.
My roommate, the one who does not like Pot, I need a name... I give anyone in my reality a name when I talk about them here. IT keeps me in the clear on the "Law" side of things. And its a fun way to fuck with em.. Name name name what is his name?
Oh for fuck sake. Simple, the dude from Big bang theory... Sheldon.
Tho he is not completely "Sheldon" he is in many personality type ways. One such way is, when he has his mind set on something it is improbable if not impossible to get him to see it any other way.
He hates pot, why or how he got this view is unimportant. People get opinions in a plethora of ways. The mark of intelligence is being able to see things from many views and realize yours is not the only one. It's not necessarily the the only right one. Hell, if ya look from other views you may just find it wasn't even the right one.
I was telling Sheldon last night who has a real dislike for pot that it is a lot like my hate for religion at his age. It took me learning about a lot of them. Meeting a lot of people who practiced it Noting the different extremes. The family who benefits from it and when they do it in moderation they are happy, tight, and in sync. Then the family who Practices it regularly in moderation and the kids enjoy it, it's not forced on anyone including the children. Happy, harmonious and Healthy.
I looked him in the eye at this point spoke his name and made sure he looked up at me from the dishes I was actually surprised and grateful he was doing. Even just for a moment.
"Then you have the Fanatical family. Probably the kind that gave you the bad idea if pot that you have right now. The kind that over indulges. The kind that will give up on family, friends, food, life and health just to put religion in the number one spot in their lives."
"I can see that he said"
"Everything in Moderation Sheldon. Even Moderation"
I left him finishing the dishes and went to my room. Pain free and feeling resolved in helping him open his mind to different ideals. Understanding that in accepting peoples ideals as good does not mean they have to be his own or he has to join in. Just see and surround himself with the good in things. Reject the bad. That it is not the things.. It's the abusers of those things that are bad.
To let go of the extreme....
On the flip side, and Sheldon if you are listening... My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. You know the Fanatics they can be. Well we used to be. Yes me included. You know I am not now. But can you imagine the reaction when my mother found out I smoked pot. After the surgeries, after all of the pain and time my mother has taken to see who I am and what I have become. She sees the good it has done in my life. I am not a "Stoner" she said. I am not an abuser and she sees that. So now she accepts and understands it is part of what she calls the "Yellow brick road" I am laying in my life. One that is leading me to a happy and healthy place. She sees me getting healthier and happier. Not sicker and less stable. So on the flip side. If my once Fanatical Christian family can accept my use of this plant one that "God" gave us to use;
Then what the fuck? Really?
So Fuck you Florida. Next Time. Save the bongs, joints, and blunts for when it passes. GO Vote then when it does, walk out on yer front porch, light it up and offer to your neighbors. Make some new friends. Unite people who may have been afraid to ask before, or maybe you suspected but were afraid to offer. Let's start using what divided us to unite us.
A plant.
Mother nature's Gift
)O(
What else?
Vets;
Yeah yer getting the shit end of a stick. They fought their asses off for the freedom so many of us bitch about. Many come back and find nothing but homelessness and poverty. I sat at a place in Ft Lauderdale called "Healthcare for the Homeless" A large percentage were Vets. Of old wars and the new.
Personally, I think that anyone who goes and fights, risks their life in any way at the order of our gov't the gov't should automatically see to them for the rest of their life. Not everything. But Health care, and housing in the very least. There should not be so many homeless and starving vetrans. I am sickened by the number i have met in the past 3 years of my life.
Fuck if a kid can go off to war and does. Enlists in the army and goes to boot camp. Once he finishes that lil son of a bitch better be allowed to go to a bar and have a beer with his dad. Veterans deserve a lot more respect than I have EVER seen them given. Those who vow to serve any country in this way deserve respect and a little bit more than a thank you
Immigration;
" "Obama it's all yer fault." "Vets before Illegals!" "They don't belong here" "Learn to speak English" You know what.
Fuck off.
Here's a lil wake up call;
How does that tomato on your salad taste? The cabbage in your Cole slaw? Maybe the Plastic forks you bought for your picnic? The hotel room nice n clean you slept in last night? Like the fact that garbage got picked up?
Do you have any Idea the percentage of the work force that do all of that is Illeagals? It's not just Mexicans. That cute lil Chinese girl you want to fuck? The British guy you got a crush on at the office. It's not just the Mexicans they are talking about. Even then. You wanna go pick them tomatoes? Make them beds, OH wait how bout the shit jobs they do that you prissy ass Americans just don't have to do thanks to them?
How about this. Most of those "illegals" speak more than 2 languages. Yeah, the countries they come from unlike our bigoted asshole selves are taught more than 2 languages. 3, 4 and 5 at times. A great deal of them had a better education than we did before we graduated high school. IT WAS REQUIRED.
Even if given the citizenship Obama is offering they WILL CONTINUE TO DO THESE JOBS. Why? Some will go to get higher education better our country. Because unlike our ungrateful asses, they are Grateful to be here. They don't bitch about the pits in this huge american cherry. They savor the awesome. I am also willing to bet they would fight to protect it just as quickly as we would even tho we bitch like whiny children.
Most of the people you would damn to homelessness after deportation worked just as hard at their life here as you do. Harder in some cases because they live in fear that some ass hole might send them away from a country they love and would LOVE to be a citizen of. But are barely making it. Who would gladly pay the hundreds and in some cases thousands it would take to be a citizen.
How about the fact its the rich corporations that are coming before you? Tax breaks for them and half of the food stamps cut for the poor... Try going to the right place to get what you need. Stop screaming in your dentists ear to fix your Diarrhea. Shooting at people who are as hard off or more so than you to get what you need. Aim higher, work together. Maybe that is a way we can use the things Obama is doing? All he is doing is adding to the army of people who can make change. People who will add to the voice of the little people.
Wake up.
Last but not least. My Mojo.
I haven't been blogging much about him or at all for 2 reasons.
1. I have been spending all my time with, preparing for, and spending time making plans with him for his arrival.
2. I don't want to jinx it.
Yeah every single person I have had feelings for friend or foe that I have spoken about in this blog to date I have lost to some degree. I cannot handle that with this one. Too much alike. Too much a heart that sings in harmony with mine. So I have been avoiding it some. But we are down to the wire now. He arrives in 9 days barring any unforeseen mishaps. I am filled with joy, and anticipation. Also nervous worry that we will be in for harder times than we know. Always have worries like these tho. When you plan and plan something. No matter how bit or small. The worry in the execution of these plans always happens in proportion to the importance and gravity of the plans made.
I cannot wait to hold him and have him here with me. I am starting to feel that warm tight tingle in my chest and neck. The one you had when you were going on your first date. You know... the one you would surely have gone to the doctor worried you were ill if it wasn't for the fact you knew it was because HE was about to knock on the door.
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