I think I am tired finally over the Bull Shit. People say this all the time. Just DONE! But I am. I am also not naive enough to believe there won't be bull shit in my future, I just think I will be smart enough to sniff it out this time around. At least a lil better than I have recently.
*Cough* Bullshit *Cough*
I wan't to blog, feel the need to blog, but I needed to find a new way, a new canvas. Paint a new picture with words, fresh start. Problem is there are so many colors around me. So many have rubbed off in the last year, I am trying to blot away the excess and see what there is of me left in view, how and if I might have been stained by it all, as well as restored to a more colorful, less Blue/Grey palate.
I have used the following passage in my profiles before. I am gonna use it here for this first post.
"My life is a canvas"
There's a lot of things about myself I still have yet to discover. Writing, helps me dig even Deeper into who I am and where I can go How far I can push Myself before its no longer beneficial. You will find me in many forms moods and places. Writing this blog helps satisfy a need in me to have as much color in my life as possible. Getting people to take part in the things I think and share adding more color. I spent most of the first years of my life living in black and white. Choked by *Cognitive Dissonance .
When I walked away from that I decided to take in ALL the color I could. I will answer questions concerning this if you wish to know. But it will also come out in conversation often.
I also check the colors against my own skin tone. Is it something I care to or would like to wear? Unfortunately, however, i also find that some shades do not keep my interest for long. Others are tattooed on me, permanent displays of my own color. This variety of color comes from many sources. People, places, ideals and Emotions. All examples of Color.
So I make myself a canvas in life. Color I like rubbing off on me because i get real close to examine it, too close in some cases. Even the hues that I hate and even regret letting someone smear are treasured reminders of what didn't exactly go with my scheme.
So bring your brushes if you wish and lets see if our schemes blend well on the canvas.
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
I had a Therapist who believed hard core in the whole idea of color choice, or the colors a person displays on around themselves can somehow be analyzed to see what their mental state is, or proclivities maybe?
"Someone who uses yellows and orange, even reds and even some purples would have a quick temper, or elation, easily polarized personalities. Yellow being the most used by those who have a sort of violent and dark side, insane." he would say handing me a cup of coffee or ice water as we sat to begin our "Talk Therapy" "On the contrary, someone who uses blues greens and some cooler purples, will have a more calm and gentile spirit, organized and easygoing."
Problem with this is Colors rub off. They all will to some degree. Just like moods..
Colors do add to a mood, this is undeniable. It wasn't until I met Matt when I was still very young, still very naive, that I saw maybe where his theory had some truth. All of his paintings were drowned in yellows, mustard and gold colors. Greens as well however and brown. Abstract, more emotion in color than an actual picture. I loved em. Really wish I had gotten one from him. Accepted one he offered, instead of worrying about all the questions I would get from my family about where it came from. His style was beautiful. Loved to watch him. He was chaotic tho. As was reflected in his art. He was quite insane. I do believe he threatened to strangle me with piano wire....
*laughs*
Lately, I feel I have had too many brushes swirling around my space, my head, my heart, my world. Simplify, I need to simplify. This is every way. Me and my best friend Tracy, sitting out on the front porch today laughed as we both basically said and realized how good it was to say,
"It's not my problem"
This odd lil snap in my chest. I felt a weight lift. I have been doing this for a few weeks. Saying this to myself but not realizing it. If someone has had a issue with something in their life I have listened, even when wanting to give advice at times I just didn't. Or being able to offer some kind of aid in their struggle I for the first time have actively said,
"It's not my problem, I have so much shit to deal with right now, I just cannot help you but to listen."
There are only enough people to count on one hand, in my immediate vicinity, I would even think about helping in any way right now, at least putting myself out to help.. They either do, or will shortly know who they are.
Ya know what, it feels good to be able to say that. To not feel guilty about that. And not everyone on that list is set in stone. I reserve the right to tell someone to "Pound Salt" if it is what I get from them enough.
Give what you get, ya never know how that can grow into one hell of a relationship especially if ya can partner it with "Give what you can, cherish what is given, and expect nothing more."
Expectations.. Hard not to have em, but the fewer you have, or at least the more you choose them wisely, the easier life can be. But I think that is how the best relationships are built, be it Friend/Family/Lover/Life Mates.
Acceptance is an amazing thing, so is letting go.
Moving again, still in transition it seems. I am having a hard time swallowing the people and mentalities I have run into recently down here. The materialistic, arrogant, and superficial nature of a lot of the people I have met is just pissing me off.
Clowns, I see clowns, people who are all painted and dolled up to accomplish a very small list of odd and retarded goals.
1. Get laid
2. Be better than someone/anyone else
3. Ego boosts or Hit's depending on where the barrel is aimed.
4. Lie about who and what they really are. (Over use of make up or other "Masks")
Games, so many game players. Most everyone plays games once in a while. Some are mutually agreed upon contests. Rules in place. But others, are just people who are sucking the life out of others, degrading, disparaging and demeaning someone to make themselves feel better, or more important.
Games...
I am a simple girl and I never will be the kind who is all about appearance, I almost drowned in that mentality when I was a Jehovah's Witness. I won't do it now.
Take me as I am or not at all.
So yeah I will be blogging again, maybe? Sorta? We will see. When I feel like it, about what I feel like, if ya don't like it. Click that red x at the top of yer screen. Won't hurt my feelings a bit.
And if ya don't like it.
"It's Not my problem"
I just took a knee,
I cleared my head,
I felt,
smelled
listened
I heard nature,
Always around me no matter where I am in some degree
I felt warm sun,
Always comes up,
I smelled flowers,
Always something blooming somewhere
My beliefs when it comes to the universe around us?
Why we are here?
How we got here?
Why continue even tho shit sucks?
Because,
I heard nature,
Always around me no matter where I am in some degree
I felt warm sun,
Always comes up,
I smelled flowers,
Always something blooming somewhere.
Blessed Be!
Lilith
)O(
