Tho it is very destructive, and traumatizing, a good Forrest fire has it's purpose. I burns away the old making way for the new. Sometimes the trees that were scorched even start to grow new life from their stumps. It's the same tree, just cleansed and reborn.
Much like a phoenix rising from the ashes to live a new life. One is still burning for me, so I will relocate until the fires die, until the life returns and nurture what has started to grow. This new location, is definitely going to challenge the pant's off me. I stand poised and ready for it. No matter the outcome I will swing until I own it, At least in part.
I am still and will be licking the wounds I have both had inflicted and inflicted on myself as of late, as I know wounds i have inflicted on others are healing as well. So, that is what I am doing now. Not just from the last few months. The last 3 years are still oozing a little and need time. So Wrapping up all the damaged areas, closing them for admittance until remolding is done.
I am allowing myself to indulge in the things I have kind of been afraid to lately. I am considering taking on a sissy more regularly, More than considering hes on his way over. I am also doing the dating thing.... with a different pace and dance step. Newly learned and still perfecting the moves.
But then that is the fun in it all. Practice, Don't take things so seriously.
Just felt a flow and wanted to put it out there. Getting ready for company and time with some friends tonight. Beer, boys, and beautiful Florida weather.
OK, it's become painfully obvious I have lost my network of friends down here. I will also explain why.
1. Was a rough year, 2 hospital stays, Amputation, lost my job. Because of this I could only pay rent fin my last situation. People I loved dearly. Burdened by my presence. It was not in my control at the time. But it was what it was.
2. I was dumb and made only friends thru other people Instead of out and on my own.
Lesson learned. Then again even the one friend I made on my own during that time has chosen to push me aside and encompass them. Which ironically I understand. After all I am a heterosexual female and his current female is... not ok with him hanging with women who might possible want to fuck him. Even tho Id rather take my eyes out with melon ballers than ever let him near me sexually again.
3. Apparently unless you are as successful or "Solid" as your friends you aren't worthy of their company and companionship.
4. I refuse or shoulder 100% of the guilt of a Difficult roommate situation. I refuse to apologize for being the only cause of problems. I refuse to shoulder all of the guilt on a bad business venture.
3 adults 3 thirds of blame.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I spent it utterly alone. At first I was sad. Lil sobbing, a little self pity. Then I realized that in reality, I didn't want to be where they were. Aparently my missing 100 dollars on the first months of rent with these friends (Which was given to me by them because I had to pay for a bed) and then Not paying the last months rent. (I was set to move out, But she insisted i stay for the last month. and not to worry about the rent because they were defaulting on the lease anyway.) I lost my job and paid rent anyway. Up until the last months as I said. 600 a month coming in I was paying 500. Then I moved out and to where I am now. I was renting a room. With use of a bathroom and the kitchen, (Shared bathroom) for 500 a month. Apparently I was to pay 1/3 of the utilities as well. I faltered there with a lost job and illness. It will be soon remedied.
Now all this truth above has somehow morphed into I paid no rent, I had men over without asking my roommates (I'm sorry I thought I was an grown woman paying rent on a room) I never did, only HisRoyalRascalness was ever in my bed. I have had comments from people that tell me they have the impression I paid no rent. I was also there to babysit at a moments notice. But this has gone utterly unrecognized. So I have spent the last 2 weeks really analyzing the past few months.
Yes, I was unable to help as much as I wanted to financially
I gave all i had.
I gave of my own ability
Babysitter
cook
friend
So for the loss of job, and the stress that put on you I apologize
I also am grateful to you for all you did when I was ill and recovering from surgery, It meant the world.
I also apologize for not having yet been able to pay you back for the Utilities.
That will be remedied soon.
I also apologize (now for the 3rd time) for my words in this blog offending you. I was angry and feeling very Patronized for a long time.
This is the last time I apologize. At least now its out there. And it can be seen.
I am not, however, to blame for everything. And I will not apologize for something I do not have blame on. ALWAYS GET IT ON PAPER. So any friend I made in the last year has just gone to shit. The tree has been pruned back and I am waiting to see if anything grows back. I am, however oddly content. The routine has settled in. Saved money looking for apartments seriously now.
I was told by one of my "friends" to wait and see when I am more independent, how all those friends you thought were gone will come back.
Fuck you, you cannot handle me at my worst,
you sure as fuck do not deserve my best.
I miss all of you.
But then, if what I have been hearing is what ya'll really believe.
Perhaps I am better without.
I guess there are a few things I can say are positives about growing up one of Jehovah's Witnesses. For one, days like today, holidays are less likely to depress us if we find ourselves alone. Growing up a JW these days really were just another day.
This year I am working On Thanksgiving. Not that I got any invites anyway. Ironically its OK. If the last 2 years have been anything its been a crash course in how little you should rely on others presence to be happy. I have become quite good at finding happy within me. I have found I am less in need of others around than I thought. Lately it's been preferable.
I am not saying I do not miss people. I do, very much. I have also come to the point in my life where I will not beg, grovel, whine or plead to get people to be with me or my friend. I will not sacrifice my own integrity, do or say anything that is against what I know inside to be true.
Ain't no one got time for that!
So today I am gonna work my 12 hr shift and then play me some games. Wake tomorrow to another every day kinda day and smile through it. I really am Good with or without.
While you all hang with your friends and family, eat food and gossip/talk about the world and people around you. Remember to give thanks for the good as often as you moan about the bad. Remember that there are people out there who would be elated to have your problems. Especially if they are because of all the friends you have around you.
Today I am thankful for a lot of things.
My freedom to do, go, and be whoever I want. No strings to hold me down
My Job and future financial stability
My own real sense of purpose.
My Friend Tim who has unconditionally helped me out as of late
My dog prince. Still the most loyal friend I have had.
My broken heart, which
is teaching me to survive without and appreciate what I have.
Ahh well, ya win some, a loose some.. I think its one of the hardest concepts to grasp and really be able to embrace as truth sometimes. We really WANT to win 'em all right? This weekend I did the whole "Win" thing a lot. I seriously pushed myself to do shit I normally wouldn't have, and also the things I should be doing. It paid off quite well.
After Bob died I kinda went on a internal dig. Soul Search ha, love those times usually. This weekend was a definite test of my courage, confidence, and social acumen. It was also a challenge to my resolve. It was also a reminder of the positive effects of any pain, suffering, and sacrifice we go through in life. Keeps you growing, improving, and bettering yourself as you go.
Like a diamond in a tumbler.
I am finally actually shopping for apartments. Options, so many, I literally can go wherever I want. So I have been asking around. I meet someone and its one of the questions I pop in. I have heard a lot of good things about right where I am but to the north some. I think that's the direction I am going. But I cannot live here in Wilton, The prices on simple places are just outrageous. I do love this lil berg tho. Will visit often!
This past weekend I forced myself to get dressed up and go out alone. Only place in town where you can meet a good blend of Gay and Straight people is The Manor. So far at least. I went had a couple drinks sat outside watching people as they came in and out. This youthful looking guy came towards me. I held my cellphone so I could see him over the top and still look to be playing a game on it. as he passed I turned and looked at his ass.. I had to what I saw coming was so yummy I had to see if it ended on a sweet note too!
Boy did it ever. I wiggled a little in my seat and settled in to play blendoku for another hour until the place closed. I felt a warm breath on my shoulder and one of the smoothest voices I have heard in a while tickled my ears.
"Mind if I sit with you beautiful?"
I literally looked around me and back at him "Yer talking to me?" I slid over and patted the leather seat next to me, "Well sure have a seat."
I was on the prowl I guess. I wasn't looking for any connections, or anyone to ever see again after that night. So i played all my "hook em and tie em up" cards. Playful, flirty, open, and forward. He leaned in after a moment and said,
"You know I love chubby girls." he turned on his phone and showed me some pictures. "I just love how soft they are"
Nothing happened. We walked around a bit and chatted, he came back and met my roommate Blueshirt, and kissed me goodbye,
Haven't heard from em since. I guess I stayed on track with that one hey? *laughs*
Then the next day I got a text from someone I met on Tagged. He asked me out for sushi and then stood me up. All the things that went thru my head. Like maybe he came and sat in the parking lot and once he saw me he decided I wasn't sexy enough, or chickened out. I poked em a lil for standing me up. Turns out his phone got stolen that night and he couldn't make it to me. So we gave it another try.
Rosie's bar in Wilton was the choice of venue this time. I went and sat waiting. He wasn't showing so I ordered a Appetizer. Treat myself I thought. Crab cakes. It felt good to know that even if he didn't show I could take care of this meal myself. And without making much of a dent in my budget.
As I sat there nibblin my crab cakes he texted me saying he went the wrong way. I tipped the ketchup bottle onto its side near my plate, the sign at Rosie's that ya are just away from the table but will return shortly. Stood outside so he could find the place. Rain, wind, and sandals. I didn't mind. I was, am proud of myself for where I am going in many aspects of my life. First time in a while.
When he pulled up and got out of the car I was a little intimidated. Very tall, well dressed, smelled amazing. Nervous, yeah a lil he was a handsome man black man, younger, and very smart. Once we started talking. It wasn't hard at all. He was easy to be around. I didn't feel out of place, I was in my skin, and I was confident. At first driving the conversation then some of the conversation took off. The right kind.
Religion, politics, GLBT community and a lot of aspirations. He asked me a toughie. My last heartbreak. At first I told him I wasn't ready yet to discuss the last one. I took a huge bite of my coconut shrimp and a sip of my gin and tonic laughing to myself how ironic it was the cocktail I was drinking during this particular line of questioning. I let the glass hit the table a lil hard and laughed.
"No you know I am ready." I laughed and reached out poking his hand. "I fell for someone who could never love me." I took another drink and sighed. "But it wasn't the worst heartbreak of the last year."
I told him a little about the divorce. How I met him and how it ended. then asked him the same question. Time for his buns to burn a little.
He told me a little, one sided energy exchange kind or relationship. We all have had them. You give all your energy to someone, who cannot or will not ever reciprocate enough to keep your levels at a healthy place. They Inevitably fail because one of the pair goes cold. You cannot give energy and not recharge, You end up with nothing to give and they walk away with it stuffed in their reserves for the next conquest.
We went back to where I am staying and sat on the back patio had a good smoke and went silent for a bit. Goofy glazed and just sitting with our heads bent back lookin up at the sky enjoying the sound of the water and wind thru the palm trees, giggling every once n a while at the randomness of the thoughts being expressed so comfortably.
"I just miss this," he said and looked at me. "Someone to just hang with, and to come down with after long days." His accent making his words seem a little more unreal.
"I know, me too." I turned and looked at him over my glasses and smiled "But everyone has their own idea of what that means. Right now for me its exactly what We are doing right now for the most part." I rolled slowly onto my left hip toward him and nudged em' a little. "I am not out here to play any games. I am not in a hurry, but I am also too old to waste my energy on anything that isn't even partly consistent. So I'm poking around to see what fits. Just keep that in mind."
He laughed and even it had a accent. This I had to laugh at. He pulled me over and wrapped his arms around me and sighed.
"It's good." He just stroked my hair.
I like this one, he is out of the norm for me physically but mentally seems to be almost spot on. We will see how it goes. Spending and taking our time. So much else going on.
He is on his way over tonight. Gonna truly curl up on the couch and watch a movie. No barriers, no expectations, no pressure.
Last night I spent a little time, since I had some to spare, with TheShocker, Mr Content and Farmer Bob. We drank a few and talked. Ironically I didn't talk all that much. Mr Greyer was, even tho he was gay, women do not speak over men. You let them finish. Then you are told you can speak. This didn't bother me too much. This night however i was challenging him. I reminded him, (thanks to some vodka and sprite) exactly what it is women were are and always will be to the world.
The Backbone.
For those of you who did not read my IMOM blog, TheShocker is a lawyer friend I met a few months ago. Hes become a very good friend. His neighbor, I'll call him, Mr,Content, be cause he repeats a lot he has NO troubles in his life right now. Bob, a 78 year old gay man who I have been helping out as kind of a personal assistant. See he was legally blind. He needed a spare set of eyes. He even interviewed me. When i approached him for the first time, I had to giggle.
HE was seated in his very stylish Walker/chair combo legs crossed and smoking a Full Flavor menthol Pall Mall. TheShocker and MrContent looked a lil' too serious for my tastes. Tho a look in TheShockers eye told me it was all in good fun.
"Lilith sit down, This is Mr Greyer, and he wants to interview you for the job." Already just a bit drunk I could tell and peering over his cigarette at me, tho you could tell he didn't see a whole lot.
"Oh, oh is this her? Oh yes my dear have a seat, I have some things to ask you and these two handsome boys," he said waving the same hand he was holding the cigarette between his fingers in their direction. "This is my Board of Directors, They will have to make the final decision."
I laughed and looked at TheShocker, he winked back at me and I knew what I had to do. I crossed my legs and folded my hands over my knees.
"Yes Sir? What do you want to know?
At first he was very serious.
"I will speak concisely and with meaning, I will speak exactly what Is needed no more, you do exactly as I tell you and we will work wonderfully." He lit another cigarette , only getting the flame close enough to the tip to start it smoking. The flame never touched.
"You see dear I am blind, I need someone to help me organize. To help me with correspondence and to help me get my bills paid sorted and filed away, how organized are you?"
I had to laugh at this question. I can organize very well. Gimme a day and I will organize the hell outta a space. I just have a hard time keeping it that way. That's exactly what I told him. He laughed and choked on his cigarette.
"Well at least she's honest" He said "Do you think you can handle that?"
"Absolutely!" I smiled and told him about my past exp in Home Care and Nursing home care. He smiled at me and went silent for a bit. TheShocker and MrContent cracked some jokes about being a Sexretary. Bob broke the silence with a sick laugh.
"Oh oh oh no wait, Let me speak without interruption," everyone went quiet. "Don't worry dear, I am gay as the day is long and you don't have the equipment, but I might have you drive me to a bar sometimes to pick me up a cutie." For me at this point, I knew he and I would be great friends. He was, for the short time I knew him, quite the perfect companion.
We Negotiated a wage and got to work. The next morning I came to find him sitting on the couch watching the news, and knocked on the door Jam.
"No! no no, what time is it dear? Exactly the time no rounding up."
"It's 7:23 am Captain."
"What time were you to be here?"
"8:00 am"
"Go outside I am not ready for you yet. Got to keep it on track, or the day just goes to hell."
So I went outside and smoked a cig, listening to some music and trolling Facebook on my phone.
He asked me what kind of music I liked as he felt around for the dials on his van stereo. "I love it all Captain." The radio came on Far too loud, his fingers poking around must have hit the volume up. it scared him to giggle fits.
"Do you have any on you?" he asked. SO I took out my phone and put the blue tooth to work. I have a song I play on repeat when I do my walking. I started that again recently and i am gonna do it more and more. But the song it has the perfect beat. Morphine - Early to Bed. Well its what played. At first i said ill find something better. He shook his head.
"No I like this, Who is this and do they have many records?" I laughed at "records" and said they had a few. He had me play a few, he liked a lot of em but in the end said most seemed so depressing. But there were 3 he requested regularly while on the road.
Morphine - Early to Bed
Morphine - You Look like Rain.
Morphine - French Fries with Pepper
He also often liked to listen to heavy club and house. Me and Farmer bob rolling around Lauderdale bobbin our heads to some rave music. It was the day's he liked classical playing, that i loved the most. For some reason when that music played he was calm and Cool. Music fueled his biggest personality trait, Passion.
He was passionate about many things. Politics, God (but not religion), Sex and flirting. He loved to help people, and he did so by having them help him. TheShocker told him I was trying to save some money. Get into my own place and on my feet. Hence I ended up working for him, in a way. Yes I organized and helped him blind friendly his home. Lil black dots just to the side of the button that puts 30 seconds on the cook time for every time you hit it. YAY now he can nuke his Wendy's Small Chilli with extra hot sauce!
HE was a man on the edge.. *chuckles*
Most of all he wanted the company. He didn't want to be alone. He had so much to share, old people sometimes talk a lot want to be heard. But, this is because there are all those years of Knowledge. Knowledge that he wishes he had at our ages. We all should stop and listen more often. Somehow people always stopped and listened. He commanded that kind of attention. No matter where we were. People always stopped and listened.
Well This morning I woke up and made my coffee. Goin to Delray, Bob needs his treatment and more than likely a lil Wendy's on the way home. Poured my coffee put that song on loop and started my morning trek to his house. It's a beautiful walk, I don't care how tired, grumpy, or depressed I could be. Taking that walk was enough to have me in chipper places inside!
He was slow moving, very much so. But he had been up very late with us. After a long nap in the early afternoon. Slow but moving! It needs to be said. This man never stopped moving. You gotta admire that.
I drove em out for his treatments, came home and made sure his house was unlocked. Door open so he could get inside. He sat out and listened to his car radio. I hugged him and told him I would be there bright and early tomorrow for his appointment. I walked home to start work in half hour.
I got through 2 calls. TheShocker called me over and over again. I was on the phone with customers. doing my Full time job. finally in a break I notice TheShocker sent me a text.
"He passed away"
I walked faster and harder than I ever walked that walk. Crying all the way there. When I turned the corner I saw a police car and as I came to the back of it I saw a yellow blanket over bob on the ground. That typical pull the cover over the head if it dies. I really cried for a bit after seeing that. Laying where I hugged him and went off to work.
Police asked me some questions. Kinda paced a lot. I wasn't sure how to process it. I really only knew the guy for a couple weeks. Just so wise. really truly wise. He got used tho, a lot because of it. Even he would say it.
"I get used I know it, but at least it put a smile on their face!"
I am angry tho, his body laid on the pavement for hours. Covered in a yellow blanket. We played his absolute favorite song as they bagged him up.
We must have listened to it 20 more times while we sat out at the table
I don't want to be alone tonight, i didn't. I have been for a while now. But tonight, I really wish I could have someone to talk to. For the first time in a while, I don't. No one. Good thing I have numbed out, or this would hurt a shit load more than it does.
He will be missed. HE is an inspiration and will be even now, in the memories and the stories people will share.
I chose a pic to post that reflects who Bob was. And who he will remain in the memories of everyone who came into contact with him.
Farmer Bob, he loves to laugh, and make people laugh!
Did they turn and look because I was pretty?
Or was I a Spectacle?
Was I a friend,
Or a distraction.
Did I earn your attention?
Or was it given out of pity?
Did I care enough?
Or too much?
Did I do anything,
Worth anything,
To you?
Did I let myself believe,
Was I lead to believe,
Naive enough to believe,
That a person's heart was worth more,
Than gold, or silver?
I have been told I am too honest
Dishonest,
Not able to handle real truth.
When truth be told,
I appreciate a painful truth
Much more than caressing lies.
There is no real answer to any of this.
just more questions.
So I stop asking them.
I simply,
Stop.
I am both sad and lighter today. It's an odd combination. Partly due to the gloomy weather I am sure. But also because my life has changed again in bitter sweet kinda way. People I once thought would never, what's the word? Hurt me, or be hurt by me, have in some way or form been so. Either they have completely floored me with how they seem to be able to see life, or how they see themselves.
I have been avoiding this particular blog entry. It's been seated in my head and heart for about 6 weeks now. Simmering slowly, painfully, and even has been a little cleansing. I am angry at so many people, myself included. It's amazing what fear will make people do. How they will treat people, and how much they so easily forget of their part in any situation, bad or good.
I plan on the practical means to acknowledge my part in situations right now. Through action and not words. By both giving of myself in an physical show of my apology in a situation, and in removing myself from any situations that see there is danger in further mishap concerning the negative in them. I do not talk about anything anymore. I just don't want to. Again, talk is cheep, actions is what insures rewards to reap.
I need to find a switch on my heart, maybe a dial. Install one if I find none exists. It's happened a bit naturally lately. It's pushed some new friends away. I dunno, however, how much that matters. I have been far to easy, far to open, and far to willing to help, please, and change my instinct and Stifle my voice, I got better but, I still kept my mouth shut far to often when I should have opened it. I also opened it when I should have kept it firmly shut.
I hate that i have a human heart.
I am also tired of feeling i cannot voice my opinion for fear of loosing a friend, lover, whatever. I oddly don't care anymore. There is far too much I am trying to make happen. For once all I can seem to focus on is, me.
Not that I am trying to hard to focus on anything else. I just haven't the energy. I never get a real return on it. So I end up empty anyway. Time to stock pile and not spend anymore of my resources on anything but my future and my well being. Emotional, mental, physical, and material. My reserves are empty.
I am trying not to feel abandoned. Tho it is what it feels like as far as some are concerned. But it actually happened over the past 3 months. I am really digging in hard to figure out any and all accountability I do have in the situations of the past. Why it is I end up being the satellite spinning around the edges. Only ever able to experience the Inside of that circle once and a while, and in the short term. Then I am flung back out into orbit. Never enough to keep close. Alone and trying to keep centered.
My thoughts make me laugh. If I heard someone talking like I was thinking a year ago, I would have simply called them bitter. I really don't feel bitter. I just feel as if I see things with a little less of a rose colored tint to my glasses. I see the world around me, I see my reflection in the mirror, I see my age on my drivers card.
I used to say I had given up on love, and for the most part I was just whining. Hurt and trying to make it stop. But right now, I am not hurting over the loss of friends and companions as of late. I am truly over it. My heart has been packed away. I know this because I have had a couple men recently who have showed interest and I went ice queen. I know I did it I felt it I saw it, they didn't deserve it. But they got it. Pure Ice Queen.
I just see clowns. Dancing around to music only they can hear. Music no one else will ever really understand. I will not put on any other face than my own anymore.
I am also tired of people who cannot even allow a person to have thier view or way of handling things without trying to make them feel dumb because they do not think like them. Just because someone can face something with a smile you could not yourself, does not mean they don't take it seriously. It just means they don't take to TOO seriously. What will happen will happen. Arm yourself with as much knowledge to survive it.
I will not get more beautiful
I will not grow any younger.
I just don't see love in the cards for me.
And Friendship will be very few and far between.
I just don't trust anymore.
So I focus on myself, 2 jobs, saving money. Getting my life up and running. I don't think I ever want anyone in this space again. I don't think I want to even be around people right now.
I am tired of growing to really like them
Then being tossed off to the side,
I guess its the realization I was simply and only a distraction for people. Or became little more than a scapegoat for their problems. I have no problem accepting my share of accountability. I will never again take all of it.
I will die before I let myself depend on anyone again. Either I got this. Or I am done.
I am struggling with life, I see no real joy in it. I keep going trying to find hope in every situation. I just haven't any of it left. I cannot even dream anymore. Hope, and wish? Right.
