Ramble on Rose.

   I ain't even gonna try and Name this entry until I am done.   May end up without a name.  I feel like I am vibrating all over my skin.  Realizations,  Understandings and so many other weird revelations.  I feel as if I am caught in a rip tide.  I am winning however,  This stream will cause me to fail.  That's all this is.  A simple tributary feeding into something better down a bit,  where the stream turns into a larger deeper and more balanced flow.  That's what I have learned recently.

I am not wrong to seek Balance. 

  I do realize I tend to try and balance too much.  I also think, tho thinking in too much of extreme in either direction is a bad thing,  that ya need to go to extremes sometimes.  Snap yourself either way to keep the other plains all in alignment.  

  I am trying to settle without settling in.   This is what has been going through  my mind all day.  Trying to be comfy enough to get my job done.  Without settling in.  Because I see several moves  ahead of me.   Ironically it's mostly my OWN shit in the way right now.    Even what is technically "Other people's Shit"  is only because I am "The Shit in their way".   The Moral of the story?

We all end up shit on someones shoe.

It's not fair,  or pleasant to realize this.   But it also helps out a lot to figure out where exactly to give the most intense and well placed Fuck.

Or none at all..

 We also find ourselves the apple of someone's eye, the adored, the adoring.

Everything in between.

Which is my point.  So much color, so much variety,  so many ways to see things.  I cannot do the black and white thinking anymore.  I also cannot swallow anything at face value.  I do not believe it anymore,  words.  Actions,  that is all I will accept as proof of what is said.   Until the two jive,  I believe nothing.

Or at least very little

 Seems there has been a involuntary pruning of my Friends and Family tree.  I have lost a few as of late, also some new growth has begun to sprout.   I do not think these friends are gone for good.  Just on Holiday.  Right now I really don't have the time to worry or stress over things.  Especially if I cannot control or change the past.  So I will simply keep plugging along.  After all that's what life is right?

 Someone recently pointed something out to me,  about me.  I love a good mirror.   He has pointed out to me I seem to be full of anger.  In being shown this in me I am paying attention.  Yes,  I have a great deal of anger I am working through at this moment.  Both old and new catalysts.

I am Human...

 I have thrown myself out there again.  The "Mating World"  I have called it this before.  In my Letters to my International Man of Mystery Blog.  It's really all it is.  We call it Dating to cover the fact it is all about meeting some primal and basal Need.   Whether it be Companionship,  or sex.  Love is just a nice label we put on it to make it seem noble.  When in actuality its all about the payoff.  For most anyway.

 It amazes me,  more than just a little,  how we get stuck in cycles.  Those little circles that keep us stuck against their walls.   Some centrifugal force that causes us to seek out the familiar,  what we held for so long,  in so many repeated decisions and mistakes, as the "norm".  When the truth is,  normal in relationships varies in so many degrees.  As I said before,  all the color, variety, and options in life.  Why do we find ourselves either stuck in,  or repeatedly pulled back after a long and trying climb out, to that ridiculous, environmentally, and emotionally ingrained rut?

  Don't expect a answer from me,  I have been trying to figure this out for,  shit,  7 years now.    It's utterly maddening.   Sometimes the ruts change,  not because we change much other than dents' bruises and scars not just on us, but those who we touch as well,  I think it's us who changes.  Our view if we let it.  I think that's the key.  I know it is..  Taking in every view,   opening your mind to the new and different.  Letting it soak in and make us different.

I am doing a lot of rambling right now.  Mostly because I am working things out in my head.   Assigning and accepting blame,  learning not to blame myself or others completely for anything.   Learning to forgive where it seems there should be none.   Learning to forgive myself.

Anger...  yeah yer right Dude.  MMh Dude need a real name for this guy.   Someone I met recently,  who has,  even if he don't know it,  played far to many of his cards so soon.  I am gonna give him the blog name  *Drum Roll*  ArchAngel.  Mostly because when he gave me his name at the FF party I laughed to myself over the Arch Angel Michael belief the Jehovah's Witnesses had.  How different it really was from most christian religions.  And I thought about it.  The Watchtower bible and tract Society make Jesus "Perfect Man"  and simply a ransom.  Not a god or deity as it were.  Because they needed get one of the "Mediators"  out of the way.  The down Played Jesus a lot.  Which always made me laugh.

 So yes back to ArchAngel,  showing cards blah blah;

     So did I,  part of the rut I get in.  I will say it again, however, I think this is not a bad thing.  Especially if you are a real person.  Be real,  be you, be proud of that, but be smart.   There is no easy button in trying to find people to share life with.   Friends, lovers, mates, all of them take serious patience and understanding.  It takes really being willing to be open and honest.   Be able to accept honesty and trust it.   Be ready to sacrifice,  sometimes we make it,  sometimes we are it.   Sometimes you get stuck really hard and it stings a while.  But there is always those experiences where you get caressed so perfectly,  all of the pain disappears.

Which are you right now and to whom of your "limbs"  do you care the most for?  Which are you stepping on to reach the next.  And would you appreciate having them when things change and your world is, once again,  changed?

Keep Seeking those Caressing moments. Always remember,  The one constant is change.

 Those are rare moments,  so painfully infrequent.  For some not so much.   The society we live in however,  makes it very hard to break through into that with people because most of the population is, in fact,  I believe that each and every one of us are guilty of it to some degree.   The offence?  Being a little shallow,  superficial, and judgmental.

 "I am Not!!"

I hear ya saying it in yer head as you read this.  Really?  Is that what you call honest?  Tisk Tisk..  if ya wanna claim honesty and deny this one,  Maybe a look in a mirror will be a good thing.   We all do it. We all chose not to see someone because they just didn't turn us on.   Visually as well as mentally.

 Tho,  I think rejecting some one as a Mate or a friend based on their mentality or intellect is not so bad a thing to do.   After all, that's whats left when the body no longer looks or functions as it once did.  So if you're someone who needs that mind to connect with yours because yer smart enough to know that's where it Truly is at.  Go right ahead,  Make that decision.   It's OK.  

  I am also fighting darkness,  those questions we ask ourselves in moments of doubt.  Is all this work work push push really worth the effort?  Is it even worth looking for "Love"  when its so obvious  it is something that seems to have been lost to the wind somehow?

Is there really any reason for anything?

  No,  there isn't,  and that another good point.  No matter what happens today, there will be new born children tomorrow,  a war will rage,   a child will cry and one will laugh, people will claim to "Fall in Love" and out of it.

The sun will rise tomorrow.  Whether we rise with it or not.

Ramble on Rose...   Perfect.
Lilith
)O(

 



 

Bound and Determined

  

  Well,  if the last few days weren't a bit of a riot.  I got angry,  I got even,  and I got my game on.  Something new happened to me last night.   Well not exactly new,  but long overdue.   I have been feeling really undesirable.  I have been feeling very rejected and not in anyway feminine.   I learned last night the problem wasn't simply those things I think are wrong with me.

It is also what was wrong with the people whose opinions I had been giving credence to.    It was also with who I felt i should want that kind of  Validation from.

I accepted an invitation to go with a guy I had been chatting to for almost 8 months to a Fetish Factory party in West Palm Beach.  It was good to see him again.   Always gave a warm and welcoming feeling.  And always able to talk to him quite freely.  He picked me up in his very cool Mercedes and drove me to west palm to the party.

My night.  however began earlier that day.   I had set up 2 meets.   Some would call them First Dates.   I would not.   One for lunch at TeeJay's in Wilton Manors for sushi,  the second,  Same location but a dinner time run.  Neither showed.  oddly I was not at all upset about it.  A mix of the recent weeks making me more able to deal with being rejected and the fact I am really just not expecting much from anyone in that regard anymore.  I will make effort for a while then,  I back off and let them make the effort.

 I went shopping and got some food,  then got ready for the Fetish Factory party.  Thanks to my Friends, whom I have mentioned in my old blog as "The Shocker"  and "Blue Shirt"  I got the corset on and looked in the mirror.

  I cried a lil,  I didn't recognize the woman looking back at me.  Thinner,  more confident and sure of herself.  I found myself not having to repeat the words in my head I had during my training with my Job.

"Chin up, arms relaxed and at your side,  Don't figit with your clothes, and smile."

I was doing it naturally.

The Shocker wanted to go to the store.  So I drove him.  This was where I experienced something I haven't in a long time.

I turned heads.

ME.  I had men watching me as I passed.  Some nodding approvingly others smiling right at me and winking.    I was ready to take on this event.

  So about 9:30...  He comes to get me.  I will call him CS.  The car was the first treat.  A Mercedes.  Beautiful car and purrs like a kitten.   He ironically drives just like HisRoyalRascalness thankfully I learned how to sit without sliding around his car and this one was much smaller,  and the seats much deeper.  ( love it when a guy drives that way and can do it well)

When we got there,  he and I stood having a smoke outside the car watching as people lined up to go in for the event.  I confessed I was a lil nervous but not terribly.   That it had been a while since I did something that tickled the social butterfly in me like this.  I wasn't sure if I was gonna be too talkative.

"Somehow young lady"  he said and lit my Cig.  "I don't think you will have a problem with that"

No,  no I didn't.  Why I always seem to fall into a place of "Instant at Home" when around the fetish community I can't tell you.  But I did last night.  It was almost instantaneous.  The people were as varied as the last event.  Outfits made of Latex,  leather, velvet, and even some completely made up of Electrical tape.  The theme was "Red Light"  When I asked CS what the dress code was he said

"Just look like a whore."

Done.

I talked to everyone.  In the beginning there was a Bald man very sexy in a PVC Kilt who absolutely could not stop looking at me.  Nodding when I looked his way, lifting his kilt to tease me with his unclothed package.   A man dressed head to toe Cyber Erotic Latex.  Who let me squeeze his shiny clad ass every time I walked by.  Another who came in just a T Shirt and speedo who Silently followed me around all night every so often coming close and smelling my hair.

 CS and I were companions but I watched as he walked about flirting and getting his own gropes and giving them as well.  Then we were approached by a couple.  A not so, how to not be mean,  visually pleasing couple that once they opened their mouths they became less pleasing.  But They were asking advice.  The male (whose name I seem to have forgotten as well as his wives)  was bitching that he can't even get a woman to kiss his wife.  I was, by now,  3 tequila sunrises on the side of drunk and Without taking my eyes off him I pulled her to me by her collar and full on kissed her.  Turned to him and said:

"Is that better?  Feel better about that?"

He nodded and sheepishly they walked away.

I They came in and out of our space all night.  But the best was yet to come.   I did not ONCE that night feel a ounce of self consciousnesses,  The only negative about my body for me that night was the fact the corset I was wearing was a bit to large.  it worked.  But occasionally I had to go to the bathroom to readjust it and put my tits back in place.  One such time I was met at the door by a extremely sexy,  towering man,  Instantly out his dominant side out and I kinda couldn't help but be played with and play with this guy.

  He put me up against the wall and drove his knee between my mine pushing my legs apart and me down onto his thigh.  I almost Squealed!  He had a vibrator in his pocket and he had me pressed against it.  I rode his leg for a spell he kept me close and ran his nose and mouth along my neck, grabbed me by the hair forcing my head back as he did.   It was so completely spontaneous and perfect,  I came.  Not a roaring orgasm.  But I had one of them mellow nice lil releases that because of the intensity of the actual play, where we were,  and the fact I didn't know him from Adam, made it just fucken perfect.

  Yeah,  I love the FF parties!

   He told me to look for em.  So I did.  Whenever I went Inside and ran into him I was regaled in some way by him,  it was quite amazing exp.   But I kept most of my time with my host.  CS,  Or out side where we could have a Smoke and chat with some cool people too.

  CS was the perfect gentleman,    He spanked me quite nice at one point.  People all round watching.  I felt such a mix of emotions.  Not a one,  was insecurity.   And let me tell you,  It was nice.

  Well there was one moment near the end of the night where I ended up Truly feeling quite dumb.   But it was short lived and had nothing at all to do with the party at all.

later later.  get to that later...

As I said CS was perfect  We hung out and had a bit of play.  He made me feel quite,  comfy and positive about the night.  Perfect gentleman,  I do hope do do this again with him.  If he will have me!  He was encouraging and complimentary.  I did not at any time ever think he was patronizing me.  He seems a very level headed man.  And I like that.  I was able to express myself without any expectations from him save what it seems I did.  I was open minded and respectful company.

I think O.o  Not that he complained...  He said I was a very easy person to be around.   He even said I am quite "Girly".   Not sure how to take that.  Never saw myself as girly,  But then I have been so heavy for so long in my life,  with the weight loss I can cross my legs for the first time in my life.  Kinda helps ya feel like a lady.   He told me I was beautiful and treated me like a one.  Was quite perfect.  It made for the most perfect ending to the night for me.  Exactly what was needed for.   But I will get to that.

  Later I took a couple who I had met earlier on,  Names are not important,  Ill call em Jim n Julie.   HE is into foot worship,  WAM and Wet look like I and we chatted some about that as he rubbed Julie's Feet.   Julie was a bubbly outgoing and nice chick with a big smile to match her personality.   I had to show her this guy with the vibrating thigh.  HE was absolutely Gorgeous on top of it all.   And I mean Superman Gorgeous.    I was completely astounded he would even initiate playing with me.  and when i took her over there to see him he gave her a ride too.   Sorta..   He mentioned that he did a mean Dragon Fly Knot.  I found myself saying the words.

"Show me"   And he did.

  I had forgotten what rope feels like on your skin.  I love it,  he slipped the first bit of rope around my shoulders and began Knotting me up.   Arms tied to sides and behind me back of my hands against my ass.  Once he was done with that he toyed with me.  Ran the remaining bit of the rope between my legs and pulled it up and toward him and kissed me.  Nibbling and scratching his teeth and mouth across my neck and ears,  pulling my head back by my hair and tasting my neck.   I love leg binding.  And I wanna exp it again.  He untied me and said to come find him later.

  I walked away from that and to CS who had only just gotten my Message to come see me get tied up and fucked with.  I knew he would like it.   I was a little bit distracted after that but full of all kinds of awesome energy and still trembling at the reminder of rope and how good it can feel to be tied up.  We schmoozed a bit.  And then I realized,  I didn't have my glasses.  It took me and about 4 other people half hour to find them.   I felt so dumb.  A girl who asked me for a smoke I turned to her and said "Sure but only if ya promise to let me know if ya find some glasses laying round."   Well  not a songs leingth later she brought em to me.   I was Elated!   I was also ready to go.   At that point i felt so tired and needed to sleep.   I have been really pushing it the last 3 days.  I needed to sleep,  and CS was also ready to get the hell out of there and into a nice bed.

I had no idea how nice.  Big four poster mattress so perfect.   This was when he put the icing on the perfect night with a gentleman.  He turned to me and asked if I wanted to sleep in the spare room OR sleep with him.  I told him I wanted to cuddle,  and gave a pout.  And we did.  That's it, I fell asleep with my head on his chest.   Woke to his gentile snoring and went down stairs and made tea.  Sat on his back porch and just went  over pictures of the previous nights.  Replaying the scenes from the night before and really trying NOT to attempt to double click my mouse and get caught doing it.   I have done this at HisRoyalRascalness'  house.  He goes off to the bathroom and I make a quick diddle smelling him all over his bed then rolling over content with a night of sleep in another peaceful place for me.

He's never caught me,  or at least hes not admitted he caught me or knew.   but that was kinda the point.


I love my friends!
even when they piss me off.

He woke and laid out some things for me to use to shower with.  And some baby powder for my after shower needs.  *lol*  I showered got myself dressed and went down stairs to find him watching ball on the TV.

"Are you hungry? Anyplace out your way good for breakfast?"  I was starving.  So we drove back toward Wilton Manors and right by a place I had been before.  My last trip was the night I wrote about in Letter 17 Of my Intentional Man Of Mystery blog Entitled "Night Terrors".  http://letterstomyimom.blogspot.com/2013/07/letter-17-night-terrors.html

  The night HisRoyalRascalness about left this world on us.   So going there was a bit odd.  I had the eggs Benedict he had the usual Pancakes eggs bacon and hash.  He dropped me off at home and gave me a big hug.  Said we would have to do it again.   I am hoping we will.

Now I get home.  Tired and full of eggs.   And I get a Text.  It's was Mr Dragonfly.  I dropped my phone when I realized it was him.  I really didn't expect to hear or see him at all until the next fetish party.  He wanted to play more last night.  Said I should have invited him home with me.  My internal responce?  Wait wait you expect me to say  "Nah. I don't want to be able to feel and watch yer hot ass tie me up and spank me on occasion, among other possible things."

OF COURSE I DO.

And I am going to!  He is just Gorgeous.  And he knows how to tease just fucken right

I have to say The weekend ended quite perfectly.  A quick Sandwich Dinner with HisRoyalRascalness.  The first time I stood before him and realized.   My heart is detached.  I don't love him like I did anymore.   I had been such a fool.  The truth was I was allowing his nature to make me feel inadequate.   YEah dumb dumb.   I care about him,  hes trying some new shit in his world.  And I truly do hope he accomplishes his goal.  But I do not "Love" him like I did.  I feel bad for him in some ways.  He will always be a dear friend.

I kinda went on and on about my day he went on and on about some new shit in his life.

Felt back to normal and just right.  He looked so good.  And he is smiling.  I'm glad to be seeing that again.  He was also encouraging.  Its been quite a few visits with him recently I have left feeling sad.  I'm glad to be back to being calm around him again.  And so very happy he is getting some of what he needs as well.  When I checked my phone later that night at home.  He had sent some Pictures from mine to his.  He had been saying he wanted them.   I didn't realize which ones he meant.


 We ate and chatted and I came home early early to Sit about and scratch myself and fart a bit in peace and awesome comfort.

The only constant in life is change!

Stay passionate my friends!
Lilith
)O(

Riding the Spiral's Rim.

   I am fighting with everything I have not to fall into that spiral.  You know the one, that path of thinking where you end up spinning downwards into a negative place that some never seem to return from.  Others hang there for a while and climb back up to fight another day.

  The past 2 months have been unreal.  Good and bad,  Positive and negative.   I have been without money and food on regular basis.  I had a meal yesterday and a couple before thanks to kindness from 2 of the friends i seem to have left.    I am sick now.  I cannot think straight I have a nasty infection now I am trying to fight.  So much pain, I am dizzy and unsteady.   I have been vomiting so much,  I am drinking water to keep the dry heaves away.  Working thru it.  Glad to have the job I have Looking forward to that first pay check to get me something to eat since The food stamp office has still failed to deliver my EBT card,  after almost 4 weeks of waiting, reissuing and repeated calls to them.  

  That first check was to be deposited last night into my account and it never came,  I have been calling all over my Employers to get some answers and getting nothing but full mail boxes and more numbers to call from anyone who I did get to talk to.

Lets add some non financial shit to this pile.   

  How to begin,  how to do this so as not to upset people more.  I don't think that is possible.  Especially when those who are upset are just Looking for a reason to be upset at anyone but who they should most be,  themselves.

  I am being asked to take the blame for 3 adults failing in a cohabitation venture.   I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am the one to blame.   That unless I can acknowledge the damage i have done,  that everyone else can see I have done.  I am a fool.   I have sat for days thinking about it.  Stewing Hurt and appalled that anyone,  any adult can actually believe that anyone else is completely to blame for their bad luck or decisions.  I love this person with all of my heart.   But i find myself wanting to say,  "I will not take all the blame,  there were 3 adults,  I will, at most take 1/3 of it."

  I do not want to loose any friendships.   At the moment,  however,  I am loosing myself.  My health,  my mind,  and my ability to even want to continue.  Every step forward has been met with a knocked back 2.  

  I am clawing at that spiral pretty badly right now...  Trying to stay at or near the rim.   Yesterday was the last time I will ask for help.   Yesterday was the last time I will even think to get support from anywhere.  

I will figure it out on my own,  or die trying.  I don't know if anyone knows the pain of a UTI,  The nausea and they constant discomfort.   I have spent a majority of the past week crying.  Looking with hope to this day,  and then the thing that would have truly saved me.  The money I have earned myself was not available and may not be until Monday.  I have no idea what To do anymore.   I have not felt such loneliness in so long.  Oddly I am finding I prefer it.   

After all,  I have apparently,  single handedly ruined one of my most valued friends life,  relationship, and financial standing.   I have not been able to feed myself regardless of working full time now for almost a month,  and I have trying so hard to stay positive but am now in what seems like a stuck hard negative head space.   I am tired of pushing this elephant up the stairs,  the feeling that I wish it would just come free and crush me finally is too much to deny.  Yet I keep grunting,  at the least holding it in place if not budging it a bit.  How long before its understandable and my arms give out?

I feel like all the friends,  save for 2 maybe 3 have been lost to me due to some thinking,  completely lacking in cognitive reasoning,  has been shared and spread among the only friends I have made since I got down here.  Somehow it is, however,  oddly comforting.   The less people I have in my circle,  the less will be crushed when the elephant does comes smashing down on top of me.  I find myself just wanting to push them all away.  Live or die on my own,  and not have to worry if I take anyone with me.  Even if it is just emotionally for them.

I do not feel suitable for anyone,  or anything.  Least of all Myself.   Even in the work I have done to get better.   I know this is all just my Diabetes or at least a lot of it.   Not eating enough/right,  Out of meds.  out of time.   I have tried so hard to get it all right.   Instead,  every ledge I climb onto on this mountain I am climbing boasts a beast that knocks me back down to the next.   I dunno how I can keep trying to climb.  

I feel broken

Heart

soul

body

mind.

Not sure I want it fixed.   Maybe smashed and swept up into a dust bin would be better.  At least then I can no longer be a scapegoat,  a burden,  or a person most people seem to simply see as weak,  and unnecessary.    I cannot stand the thought of the couple of friends I do have left,  pulling away.  

I truly do not understand.  Why i keep ending up in this place

I give without expectation of return

I respect those around me

I love with all my heart,

tho what is left of that is not enough for even me right now.

I retreat then,  Until i make a break happen.   See how that is said?  UNTIL I MAKE A BREAK HAPPEN.  UNTIL I MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN BETTER IN MY LIFE.   No one else is to blame or to be lauded if and when I do, or don't.     That is the adult and reasonable way to see things.   Shit happens,  if ya cant change it,  move on if ya can than do it.  Or Die as you try...

Blessed Be.

Lilith T

)O(

Feeling quite, adult.

  There are people who would laugh reading this title.  My parents would be one.  My ex husband is another.   My ex mother in law too,  after all I live in a fantasy land according to her.   Expecting happy endings,  wanting them.  But reality is,  it's not that I expected them,  I wished,  I hoped, and I allowed myself to dream.

  Right now,  and I am not saying this in a sad,  depressed,  or forlorn way,  I am saying it in a "Ah Ha!"  Kind of way.  I do not like to dream,  or wish,  or hope anymore.  Now add to this that I am simply doing as I wish.  My whims,  what I want,  and asking for what I want,  without being upset when I am denied or cannot attain those things I want.

I just work harder and/or smarter to attain them.

 What I want has definitely changed in the past 2-3 years.  Where I once believed unless I had lots of friends,  a man,  or a pet I could not be happy.   Quality not quantity is the key.   Balance as well in all things.   It's been months but this week is the first time I was comfortable in my me time.

I feel like I deserve it now. 
Everyone does.


So it's early Sunday morning,  I just returned from some chill time and good chatter with someone I have mentioned in another blog,  His Royal Rascalness.   We are watching this very interesting and cool series where they tell the story of major era's like the Roaring 20's  Victorian era,  Elizabethan Era, Roman Times,  they give a good history.   But they do it showcasing the food,  and culinary norms of the time.  It's informative,  it's entertaining,  humorous,   and educational.   Good conversation.  Perfect, save for one thing,  I wanted to be home.  It was good to see him.  Good to get away from the house where I work now as well as well as live,   cabin fever!    But I wanted my blanket my computer and some chill head time.   No one in it,  (head that is)  no one around so I could scratch myself and fart if i wanted to without feeling embarrassed.

It was an odd feeling.

  I have found myself forcing social interaction.  Even with my most trusted and adored friends.  I just don't like people.  Yes,  I am a people,  so sometimes I do not even like who and what I can be.  I am trying to stop my "demands" in my head.  I am trying to stop the "score card" mentality.  Doing a good job I think.  I never give and expect to get anything back.  I give if and when and because I WANT TO.  Not because I might get something out of it in the end.   If I am asked,  and I have it to give,  it is given.  Sometimes even if I have to cut what I have in half,  I will still give it.

  I have decided as well,  I do not want a ass load of friends.  I have about 5 right now,   who mean the world to me.  But that really is it.  

  It is a comfortable and manageable number.

I have tested another change in me to make sure it was not a temporary thing,  or something I will not be able to keep up on.  I have literally come to the place where people do not effect my happiness.   What people say or do,  or DON'T do as it were does not have any baring on my happiness.  It's a nice thing.

I am missing something tho,  something I find to be very important when it comes to being healthy on all levels,  Spiritually,  emotionally, and physically,  Intimacy.  People get this mixed up with sex and sensuality.   Intimacy does snot have to include any arousal at all.   A hug,  can go a million miles to helping someone feel better.  Sooth anxiety,  and uplift a spirit.  Same with cuddles and snuggles.  Some have a hard time separating this from sex/sensuality.  

I miss it, and hate that most everyone I would even consider sharing this kind of intimacy seems to think it has to or does include sex and all that it comes with.   The feeling of letting yourself spill into someones arms and relax is the most settling antidepressant and anti anxiety fix there is.  I am missing it.  Either those who would be good "cuddle buddies"  expect more than that from me.  Or they think I expect more than that.   Fucken assholes and assuming jerk offs.  I say what I want,  I won't beat around the bush.


  I start my first normal schedule for work tomorrow.  Noon to 9pm,  Wednesdays and Sunday's off.   Looking forward to the routine.  Looking forward to making things work.  Looking forward to my independence growing.  The less I feel I need people the less I worry about what they think.   It's nice, freeing and empowering.

Time to throw myself into some gaming.  Skyrim needs their Dragonborn!

Light and love
Blessed be!
)O(


 

Buckle up buttercups. How ya like me now.

  I'm Iced over I think.   I cannot even fathom anything right now other than trying to get myself settled in my new job.   People have completely turned me off to....  well,  People.   I feel cave girl mode coming on.  Work,  write,  game. eat and sleep.   All I require.

  People I trust have been talking among themselves about me.  Then I suddenly get Words from them that come from the people they are talking to.  You know what I mean?   Friends Less educated using words you know your more educated (vocab)  friends use.  Then you get the condescending bull shit convos from them separately that scream how weak they believe you are,  fragile and misguided.  OR straight up saying the same things almost verbatim that one of yer other friends say.  So  I am done.

Yer not as sneaky as you may think!

I talk to no one anymore.

I got this shit like a bull by the horns, I dun need to anyway.

  New Job new life,  socialization is becoming a staple for me.  Keeps me on track in a new and unreal way.  Making me realize who is worth it to me as far as the effort I put in and who is not.

Some may think they are not.  But,  they are.  Some think they are but are soon to find.  I really am done.  Have been for a while.

I am about to unleash a new me onto the world around me.  For those of you who stood by me,  who tolerated the insanity as well as the calm.  I cannot wait to show my gratitude.  I am not totally sure all of you will let me.

I will be blogging a bit more now,  I have things to say again.  It's actually making me happy.

Have a awesome Halloween
Blessed Be!
)O(

Analyze, criticize, prioritize.

Confusion and oddness.   Its as frustrating as Uncertainty and Unknowns,  Struggling with Trying to not understand things.   Curiosity is killing me.  

What things?

Mostly Me,  My perceptions,  my desires, and my ability to avoid giving into most impulses.   I have become better at it.  But I dunno if it's right to do that?  At least with all of them.

Trying to understand if I am right about grasping for all the good around me.  Or if its wrong to,  Grinning from ear to ear.   Trying to understand why others avoid all of them for some reason.    I dunno how to not try to understand the reasons,  part of my makeup and I am fighting it.    Question everything,  learn and expand my own mind that way,  Whether it be about Sex religion, philosophy,  people's behaviors.  I dunno how to change some of my own reactions and emotions.   Feeling like a struggling Vulcan.  I hate that I feel I have to.  For Survival,  my own mental health.     I have always followed my heart and tempered it with my mind.   Right now both are telling me similar things about a lot of situations.   They are validating each other.  What I have known and learned about people in my life is telling me I am right in my perceptions for the most part.   I have made lists,  and written out my thoughts read and re read them.  Situations,  actions, people and their mixed signals and behaviors.    

  So many confusing me.  Actions not matching their words.  Is why I say I am Trying or refuse to try and understand anymore.   Anything,  anyone,  any action people take.  Trying to find the balance between doing that,  and burying my own needs wants and desires in the process.  I used to do that.  Bury my own needs for others.   I won't anymore.   

I am excited about so much in my life right now.  Changes happening in me.  Physical Mental and emotional.  Even some spiritual.    New reactions from me.   Things I felt were so important even 6 months ago now are so pale in comparison to things I am seeing as necessary.   Wanted,  not needed.   I am so sure about so much right now.  Unsure about a few things but they are trivial and unnecessary worries so I am shelving them.  Will work themselves out on their own.  Just that kind of weird situations.   

I am trying to not care about things I do not think I have the ability to be complacent about.  My heart won't let me.   I feel the resolve seeping back into me I had when I looked at my Mother at 18 and said 

"I don't want this religion,  I don't want this life.  I see and need better"   

I am afraid people will fall away when it kinda cements in my personality.   I know some will.  Uncertain about others.  I refuse not to reach for what I know is good,  and I want.  I refuse not to reach for what I am told repeatedly is unattainable.   I know those things are not only attainable,  but good and beneficial,  not just for myself but those I love as well.   I refuse....  REFUSE,  to believe my gut,  which has never steered me wrong once,  only if I did not heed its warnings did i suffer.   

*sigh*   Its not a bad thing I am going thru by any means.  Its,  an Lesson for me in the right way to think and perceive.    Always learning,  with every other view I take in.    I have,  it seems, learned quite well how to compartmentalize my worries when it comes to other people.  Their paths and trials.    Only a couple people still remain in my "You hurt them you hurt me,  and you dun wanna mess with my family"  mentality.  Which is good.  De-Globalized my heart.  Localized and re-prioritized.  

Why people choose those who will hurt them,  who will leave them,  who will not respect and return their awesomeness.    

Why do they?  This is one of the questions I wrote out in a Text Doc and tried to work out.   Many reasons.  My conclusion after going thru some behavioral Texts I downloaded.   People are afraid of what is not familiar.  No matter how good,  peaceful or rewarding something is.  Humans seem to choose the Familiar even if it is less than healthy or even beneficial.   Even if it means swallowing things they could not.

Would that be listed under a kind of Cognitive Dissonance?   *sigh*   

I am trying to make some of it.   Have been for weeks.  But it's not bringing me down.  Oddly its grounding me to do it.   I feel more rooted in myself,  more sure of my ability,  more certain I am not wrong to follow my gut.   It's just how I go about following it that will make the difference.   So I again am just listening,  observing,  spouting my 2 cents once I process things.   But I feel like I need,  more input.  More information,  more experience with the things I am analyzing.  

I feel stronger than I have in over 3 or 4 years.  Since the radio station.   But I am also at a point where I am not sure I want to dig anymore into the information.  I am worried, that for the first time in a very long time.  My gut is wrong.  OR maybe,  Again,  I am just different from everyone else.  My view on things might be odd and misplaced.  Not for this world as it is anymore.   

Which means I have to figure out a way to whittle my own little hole in society and try and conform in some ways for my own survival.  My own mental health and social existence.

*sigh*  make sense?

A little effort goes a long way.

  I am afraid,  we all get that way I think.   Unsure, uncertainty,  unknowns.   I find myself worried even tho I have taken good steps to better my future.   I have a  Job now,  but transportation is going to be a problem.

  Recently I was told by a friend that I was waiting for people to do things for me.   That I was too reliant on other people.   Mmh.   Ya know what.  Sometimes you need the help of yer friends even on a temporary basis just to get yer footing.   I can get to my job.  But getting home..  I get out at 12:30 am and there are no buses running at that time.   Not one of my friends has offered help even tho I offer gas.  It is a training class for the job for 3 weeks only.  Then i work from home.  I just  need a hand for 3 weeks.

Not one has offered.  I have no idea how I am going to do this.   The class is 11 miles away and all I need is a kind soul who will help me for that time period.  I am afraid I will not be able to make the course.  Then the steps I have taken so far in getting good solid work will fail.   Square one.


Is it really wrong to ask for that kind of help.   I do not have the money to afford 50 bucks a night to get home.   But I cannot afford not to get this job.  

What do you do?

As for the friend who said I am waiting for everyone else to do shit for me?  Guess what,  take a look in the mirror.   How much of yer life have you spent reliant on someone because you do not want to "Give up your life"  or have to work so hard to get what you get now.  Even tho it is darkened by abusive man?

Judge me not.  I have pulled for myself for a very long time.  Hypocrite.

 I have continued to find myself in a state of What The Actual Fuck.  (WTAF)  People,  I cannot and will  not try to understand them anymore.   They say one thing, do another.  Very few have proven themselves to be true friends.

Those who have I will cherish until the day I die.

So I am not sure I will be able to swing this without a little aid from my friends.   I am so tired of every triumph being met with yet another reason It could fail in the long run.   I keep swinging,  trying and attempting to solve the problems.  

My hands,  however, are tied in this matter.   I do not even want to talk to anyone right now,  even those few who have proven themselves friends.   I am tired of being judged and won't allow it.   What is the balance?  How do I meet in the middle,  when no one seems to want to meet me there?

I pity anyone who needs me for anything but has for any reason refused to be there for me.   I am over being available.  But rarely having the availability of my friends.  Do not come to me,  for a damn thing,  unless you can say "I have given and am worthy of some understanding in return."

I am done with people
I am done with selfishness
I am done with takers
I am done giving and being forgotten.


 Your loss,   I know my worth,  the good I have to offer people.   If they do not wish to enjoy that which I offer.  I do not wish to call them friend.

Just a little effort
goes a long way.

Lilith
)O(