"Compartmentalization began as a architectural theory divide buildings into sections to prevent a fire from spreading. Life can also be divided into closed off sections. Makes everything so much simpler." -Dexter Morgan
For those of you who don't know who Dexter Morgan is, he is a character in a show about a kid who was scarred when he watched his mother dismembered with a chain saw and was left with the pieces of her body in a shipping container in a Miami Harbor. Once he was found, the police officer who found him, age 3, took him in as his own.
In bringing this little boy up he learned that the boy was broken by what he had witnessed at such a young age. The little boy started killing animals. His now adoptive father realized his son was a Serial Killer in the making, and began to shape the boy to hone his skills to fight the evils in society. He himself was a police officer, and saw all the injustice handed down by a crooked legal system. He gave his already twisted son a list of rules to keep him from killing any innocent people. Taught him how to do so without being caught. Gave him a Code to live and kill by. Allowing him to become, if there is really such a thing, a good guy serial killer. Of course opinions may vary on this.
Oddly enough, watching this series has been a kind of awakening for me. The above quote, one I agreed with long before I heard him utter it, is one thing life has taught me. Beginning with HisRoyalRascalness and ending in leaving CellBlockSexy after he became more and more Physically and emotionally abusive. the good did not outweigh the bad. He was my last lesson in Compartmentalization.
We got a place together. On the beach in Pompno, all of my money monthly went to paying the rent. More and more, he took control. My food stamp card, my bank card, my phone. I was not allowed to contact friends or make friends. if I needed anything, including a bus ticket to see my surgeon he told me to get a job. Which was impossible, I wasn't even supposed to be walking yet. If I did contact friends, or I had a call or text on my phone from anyone. I received a verbal and in the end physical sort of lashing. It ended one day for me when he put me against a wall choking me. Reiterating what a waste I was. What a selfish and insufferable cunt I was. It pissed him off even more that I was not afraid of him. When I looked him in the eye, gasping for air and got out the words.
"Let me down, or I will defend myself."
His eyes narrowed. I looked right back at him and lifted my knee just fast and precise enough to show him I could take him down in one quick movement. Once he let go I told him the next step would have been unconsciousness and the police.
That night I called my parents. The next morning when he went to work, I left back to Tampa with them. Ironically away from what I thought I wanted, to what I found I needed all along.
My Family
I don't hate him, just like I don't hate any of the people who have in some way hurt me in the past. a lot of good lessons learned in the past few years since I left NY and my marriage. Each and every lesson I cherish. They have brought me to one, very important and relieving conclusion.
I am good with or without.
Friends,
lovers,
anyone.
Life is shaping up quite nicely for me. Home on the lake, nieces and nephews back in my life along with my sister. My brother, yet to return. But all in good time. He has more growing to do. We all do. Full circle, there is a great deal of closure in that.
Circles
Life is full of them.
Tho I miss parts of those people. late night chats with HisRoyalRascalness, morning coffee with my friends Tracy, Tayana. Once a month rides with my KnightInAShiningMercedes. My gay boys BlueShirt and TheShocker. I hope they are not lost forever. I am also sure new relationships will come. If you are human, it happens. I am giving myself a year from March before I start any kind of relationship. Any kind. For now, I am rebuilding the most important relationship of all.
The one I have ruined with myself.
Stay Moving My Friends
Lilith
)O(
